FIVE WAYS TO GET THE MOST OUT OF MR. GASPUMP

Gas prices suck.  I'm not that affected because about six months ago I invested in a syphon.  It's amazing how much free gas you can get out of one trip to a full mall parking lot.  Yup, the gasoline flows like wine in the WTCCTR household.  But if you don't have a syphon or a friend in OPEC then here are five tips on how to get the most out of that pump every time you refill.  These tips are from a squirrely employee who works for a petroleum company in California.

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1. Only buy/pump your gas in the early morning when the ground temperature is cold.  Colder gasoline is more dense.  When you buy when it's warmer the gas has expanded - and your gallon is not exactly a gallon.

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2. When you're filling up, do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode.  Pumping gas slowly minimizes the vapors that are produced.  If you pump at a fast rate some of the gas vaporizes and gets sucked back into the underground storage tank.

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3.  Fill up when your tank is half full/half empty.  The more gas you have in your tank the less air it contains.  Gasoline evaporates quickly, and will evaporate at a quicker rate the more empty your tank is.

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4.  Do not fill your tank when the gasoline truck is refilling the storage tanks.  The refill process stirs up sediment and dirt from the tank that is normally settled on the bottom.  

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And a final suggestion... DO NOT buy gas from companies that import Middle Eastern oil.  These are the countries who have parts of their populations that think Osama binDickHead is a swell guy.  I don't know about you but they can kiss my red-white-and blue sphincter while I eat apple pie and hum "God Bless America."  The following companies DO NOT USE ANY Middle Eastern Oil: Sunoco, Conoco, Sinclair, BP Phillips, Hess, and Arco.  

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Ok Buckos!  Now go out and pump some gas like you got a set!

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MAKE $790 IN TWO EASY STEPS... LEGALLY... er... YEAH

I'm mostly a BOCE when it comes to financial matters.  That old 'give me two $10s for a $5' trick still gives me trouble.  My first girlfriend took me for $4870 and watched me have to hock my 1994-97 porn library just to keep up with the expenses on my rock-and-roll-yoga/drive-thru-proctology business... that never really got off the ground but it's a niche market and I'm a player baby... but... uh... where was I?  OH, ok, so from watching banks breaking down, the Fed freaking out, gas guzzling up to $4.oo/gallon, and little Georgie Bush giving me his "My Pet Goat" look; I stared doing some research online - and a few months ago I bought my first few ounces of gold.  Since then it's gone up a few hundred dollars an ounce.  And guess what?  It's only going to go higher.  So how can you make $790.oo in two easy steps??  

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1.  Buy 1 ounce of gold today.  A krugerrand (1 oz. of gold) is selling for about $1010.oo.

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2.  Sell that krugerrand in about twelve months, when the price is around $1800.oo.  

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If you do a little poking around about the historical prices of gold and where it's headed you'll see that it's a pretty safe bet.  In fact, I sold my 1997-2002 porn library - including my collection of double headed dongs (long story there) - and put all the cash into that sweet, buttery metal.  Here's an article that was in Forbes yesterday if you don't believe me --> here.

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So get to it Buckos!  There's gold in 'dem 'dar... hills... er... local coin shops.

CRAZY DRIVER

Like a lot of people, I enjoy a relaxing afternoon of chain-smoking combined with pots and pots of coffee.  The black-outs are like time travelling and the nose bleeds can be a fun break in the day. Throw in operating a motor vehicle on top of that and you've got a pretty sweet time for yourself.  I, personally, have a nifty backhoe I like driving when I'm all hopped up on stimulants... or, as I like to call it, "gleaming the cube."  But this guy has me beat by a mile.

THE 48 LAWS OF POWER - PART 2

Here's the next installment of Robert Greene's outstanding book "The 48 Laws of Power."  In this part he continues on his theme of how to use manipulation and deception to crush your opponent.  In this politically correct age it's hard to find someone who advocates and promotes complete annihilation of an enemy.  I've used his tools to gain mastery over my chicken (ie. my wang).  I completely choke that fucker to within an inch of his life every chance I get.  Oh, yeah, and I now also completely rule the six pack and all of it's hoppy goodness.  Thanks Robert Greene!  Stay strong Buckos.

ps - you can catch the first video in this series here: Power pt. 1

IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY BITCHES

Greetings and salutations Buckos!  To commerate today's righteous holiday I was going to give a little spiel about good old St. Patrick; and why the hell he's got a big green day of drunken frat guys and wenches in belly shirts dedicated to him.  But then I realized no one probably gives a fat turd- including me.  I mean, really... everyone knows it's about drinking black and tans, watching parades; and trying to figure out where you are when you wake up, and why you only have one sock on with a bunch of green confetti sandwiched between the old ass cheeks.  That happened to a friend of mine.. it was pretty funny.  The results of the blood tests were a little bit of a buzz kill though.  The up-side is that since then he's lost a ton of weight.  He was a little portly to begin with.  Uh.. yeah.. anyway... Happy St. Patrick's Day!

FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE

Howdy ho Buckos!  After a week drenched in sex scandal and Bono killin' kids it's time for another installment of babe, beer, and tune.  So let's get right to it.

Today's babe is Rachael Cordingley.  She's Miss Maxim 2008 Global Winner.  So according to Maxim she's the best looking woman in the world for 2008.  Ok, I'll go along with that.

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Alright.  I don't know why I picked up a sixer of Miller Chill.  But I did learn a lesson: don't huff gasoline before you go grocery shopping.  This beer is supposed to have a "natural hint of lime and salt."  I'm not sure when I got too lazy to add the lime and salt to my beers by hand, but it's happened - and now I'm stuck with five of these little monsters.  It kind of tastes like mediocre beer with a hint of dirt and piss. ... I'm sorry... I can't go on with this review... I can't stand to see malt beverages abused like this...

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In light of all the scandal recently, this week's tune is a tribute to Elliot Spitzer and his cheatin' wang.  It's "Live and Learn" by Nural.  Because, in my book, the only thing he's really guilty of is love. Love godammit. *tear*

http://www.youshare.com/view.php?file=LiveandLearn.mp3

BONO IS A BASTARD

I've never really had much of an opinion on Bono.  I kind of zone out when a guy flies in on a private jet and tells me to help end poverty.  Especially a guy who's a rock star, who should be banging broads and doing exotic drugs... like chewing on nicotine patches and shooting dog laxatives into his nipples or something.  But I saw this story on Bono today and now I see him for the sadistic sonofabitch he really is.

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, 

 is famous throughout the entertainment 

 industry for being more than just a 

 little self-righteous.  At a recent U2 

 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked 

 the audience for total quiet.  Then, 

 in the silence, he started to slowly 

 clap his hands, once every few second.  

 Holding the audience in total silence,

 he said into the microphone, 'Every 

 time I clap my hands, a child in Africa 

 dies.'  From the front of the crowd a 

 voice... pierced the quiet...

  'Well, fucking stop doing it then, ya

evil bastard!'

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When are these richies going to learn that you just can't go around killing kids like that.  Criminey!