ASK THE JUNEBUG

In keeping with the Valentine's Day theme we've got going here I'm trying a new feature tonight called "Ask The Junebug." While my own prowess with the females of the opposite sex is well documented (mostly by me), I'm really not really able to communicate the "IT" factor through which I make the magic happen. However, I got this friend. The Junebug is a swarthy bachelor who's had his share of ups and down in the romance department; and yet he's confidently striding into middle-age with the sureness of a man who knows where he's been but has absolutely no idea where he's headed. Plus, he has zero formal training whatsoever in couples counseling or giving sound relationship advice. So I though he'd be perfect to host the WTCCTR forum for those seeking guidance in matters of the heart. Here's how it will work: post your questions in the comment section of this post. Please keep them confined to relationships, sex, dating, sexuality, romance; or anything else surrounding to your wangage/trouser bagels. I'll then have the Junebug pick one or two of the best questions and record his responses. Then, in a week, I'll post his audio replies. Oh, and just to give you a little perspective on who you'll be dealing with.... I was in a strip club with the Junebug a few years back; and when the hottest young French Canadian stripper had just gotten finished stripping down to her birthday suit for his lap dance he deftly leaned in and asked, 'Aren't you cold?' True story. ... Anyway... I'm not sure why but it seems like I should finish this post with a video of a monkey playing the cymbals. So here you go. Stay strong.

THE DARK DAY OF VALENTINE DESCENDS UPON US

When I’m not out solving crimes or diffusing bombs for the Department of Agriculture, most of my time involves romancing righteous babes and bedding them when they least expect it (usually on some kind of porcelain surface). So I’d like to take this opportunity, now that Valentine’s Day is beginning to creep over the land like some horrid heart-shaped swamp gas; to offer a few guideposts that could help my Brothers navigate the dangers lying less than two weeks on the horizon. Buckle in. Here we go.

1. Anal. Don’t try it. Unless the sixth time is a charm, women do not appreciate you attempting any kind of buggery (i.e., fudge packing) on Valentine’s Day. Trust me on this. Of course, this supports my theory that women just don’t understand the deep and mysterious sensitivities of young mens’ hearts.

2. Foreigners. Get one. If at all possible, have a foreign woman as your Valentine. And I’m not talking Canada here. I mean a real foreigner. Like a chick from Guatemala or North Korea or something. This will simplify gift giving by a factor of ten. The entire day is going to be absolutely destroyed if you’re with an American woman and you try to give her a live chicken or swatch of random fabric you bought at Wal*Mart. But if you’re with a broad from... say... Belize and you break out a can of kidney beans with a big red bow slapped on it... well... get ready to be king for a day Mister.

3. Last, and most important: when it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

Stay strong you loquacious bastards.

THANKS!

So remember that call to arms I put out on Tuesday asking people to recommend WTCCTR to some friends...? Well, you f*ckers really came through! On Wednesday we had over three hundred visitors for the day; and we've had over a hundred each day after that. Which is awesome. I actually started to tear up this afternoon when I was looking at the numbers. Not really out of joy but more because I've still only made $14.23. But, hey, you guys are getting the word out and it really gives me a warm, swollen feeling in my penile region. Truly. To celebrate our success I'm going to give you guys a gift... the gift of knowledge. Below the picture of the hot chick is a link to a quiz which will tell you how many baboons you could take in a fight armed only with a giant dildo. I scored a 30. I think if I had the black dildo I woulda done way better. Stay strong.

How many baboons can you kill using a giant dildo?

WANNA GO TO WAR WITH A NAKED CANNIBAL?

I bet you'd never guess by looking at Miss Liberia (pictured on left) what kind of country she's representing. I mean, really, who's ever even heard of Liberia; much less knows anything about it. But, basically, it's a little country on the west coast of Africa with a population of about three million people. Ok. Great... So what Mr. Funny Chicken Man? Well, some guys with a camera crew heard wacky little stories about what goes on there and ended up going over to check it out. I don't know about you but I'll end up wanting to go somewhere after hearing about what great beaches it has, or how friendly the natives are, or the deftness with which they massage your balls. The guys who went to Liberia heard stories about a country with no power grid, a corrupt dictator suffering from agoraphobia; and where murderous tribes - led by guys with names like General Butt-Naked (I'm not kidding) run roughshod over the countryside killing people and eating them. Oh, and I almost forgot: 70% of the female population have been raped; young children are used as human sacrifices and then have their organs eaten; AIDS and malaria get passed around like a bad joke; and there's no plumbing. That plumbing thing there is just the cherry on top because people in Liberia use the beach as a toilet. Yup. Finding some space to set up those surf chairs and have junior make a sand castle... damn near impossible. Unless you don't mind other people's shit. ... So there's eight short videos of their trip. I posted the first one below, just to get you started. I don't have time to put up the rest. I gotta get on the horn with my travel agent immediately and lock in some rates. Stay strong.

CALLLING ALL CHICKENS

Remember when you were a kid, and if you got caught doing something wrong; you wouldn't get in as much trouble in a group than if you did it alone? I do. That's why WTCCTR is asking for your help to grow our ranks. If you like this site's sublime ability to dip our toe into the more dynamic aspects of social analysis, righteous babes, humor, and cash money baby; then please recommend us to just one of your friends. Everyone who does will have my sincere thanks and help move us along to doubling - maybe even tripling - the cash this site has generated so far. As of this morning that total was a respectable $14.23. We make it to $28.46 and everyone get's a piece of the action! ... Actually, I'll probably just end up keeping it for myself. But I'll be thinking about all of you. And that's even better because who wants to handle all that dirty money. It's ca-ca paper. Ptooey!

VAN HALEN AND A HOT CHICK

Whoa. So surfin' the internets this week looking for something interesting has been about as successful as cruising the local bingo parlors looking for good sphincter control. Then, yesterday, we get hit with a spiffy supreme court decision that lets corporations sponsor their favorite politicians; which isn't really a change from the way things already work except, now, they can F you in the A in broad daylight. I mean, we've all had an ex-girlfriend slit our tires; but it's usually at night. It's kinda balls-ey for her to carve up your Goodyears while you're actually standing in the driveway holding a limp Eggo and your favorite Crystal Gale cd. ... You know what I'm saying. Anyway, the point is: it's time to lighten the mood a little. Let's get this weekend started right with a classic little Van Halen tune covered in Diamond Dave's crazy Jewish chest hair; and a righteous hot chick that'll have you tuggin' at the old trouser taffy faster than you can say, 'I know why *this* chicken is crossing the road...!' Stay strong.

~~

DEATH METAL ROOSTER.

The utter and complete awesomeness of this has me at a total loss for words.