THE FUTURE IS WEIRD

Ok Buckos, strap in.  Today I'm going to give you a glimpse of the future.

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First off: SkyNet.  Machines will rule human beings like we're little pucker assed chickens.  And we'll all run around grubbing for food and slinging turds at each other.

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Next in line will be someone who looks like this guy.  He'll be the one that SkyNet uses to keep all 

the computers lubed and running.  And he's gonna have some crazy James-Bond-villian-ey name the computers give him like Operator #1 or Fisheye... or some crazy shit like that. 

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Then will be the robots who carry out SkyNet's orders and keep us humans in line.  But they're not 

going to look like Arnold Schwarzeneggeerear in "Terminator."  They'll be more like Johnny 5 from "Short Circuit."  Except, they'll still  be able to vaporize our chicken asses.

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At the bottom of the heap will be us humans.  But it will be a case of the strong ruling the weak, which means giant monster-ey people all hopped up on steroids and with massive mental defects like narcissism will be calling the shots.  The videos of these two are a good example.... they'll be like a 'power couple' in the future.

So that's what it's gonna look like Buckos.  I know.  It's ugly.  But I still can't wait to see it in person.  How?  Well, let me just say that I'll be hanging out with all the other cryogenically frozen heads that got defrosted and sewn onto goat bodies or something.  *Hey, Ted Williams!  Can I get an autograph... oh... never mind.* 

THE SPITZER SOLUTION

Wow.  Kind of a rough day for NY Governor Elliot Spitzer.  And I imagine his wife gave him a hard time about this whole high-priced prostitute thing over the entire weekend.  I bet he didn't even get some down-time on Sunday to watch any spring training games.  Then there's the kids.  Can you imagine having to listen to them blattin' their little heads off about being embarrassed at school.  Little jerks.  Just thinking about the whole thing gets my chubby little choad all knotted up with stress and fuss.  So, being the patriotic New Yorker that I am, I took matters into my own hands and sent the Spitzer's a little "care package" to get them through this difficult time.

That's right Buckos - Wonder Sauna Hot Pants are what's needed here.  Before we all go rushing to judgement or making any premature decisions I think everyone needs to just slip into a pair of these little beauties.  I'm wearing a pair right now and, I gotta tell you, I can feel the stress being sucked right out of my sphincterous and penile regioins.  It's like magic for chrissakes.  So to Elliot, his wife Silda (that's kind of a bullshit name), and his three daughters: here's hoping the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants get you over this sexy, raunchy, lacy, c-cupped bump in your lives.  PS - I included some personal notes about how to position the fill nozzle on these mother f*ers to keep from sodomizing yourselves.  Just trust me on this one.

GOOGLE HAS SOME SPLANIN' TO DO

Ok, cast yourself back to January 2006.  Imagine where you were, what you were doing, and who you were doing it with... got it?  For me, the start of a new year means resolutions.  A fresh start.  Time to try new things.  Like anal fisting.  

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(click on pic for larger view)

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This is an actual chart from Google that shows what people are searching for on the internet.  Now, the blue line shows that the search for "ass to mouth" has remained pretty constant over the years.  No surprise there really.  I mean, ass to mouth stuff doesn't change much from year to year.

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The red line shows the searches for "anal fisting."  So in January of 2006 everyone decided to start getting more information about the topic.  I remember there being some big advances in anal fisting in December 2005 too.  I think it had something to do with the introduction of the Rough Rubber Dream artificial rubber fist and huge advances in corn oil technology... and that's no coincidence Buckos.

WEE MODELS = BIG CRAZY

(click picture for larger view)

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I found this picture today and enjoyed it for scoring high in both creep and crazy.  I mean, where do you start?  It has helter-skelter written all over it - from the orange face right down to the part about playing games with the "wee" models.  That's awesome.  And you know that the guy who put the notice up is actually the guy who's doing it.  When I see things like this I like to pause and take a deep breath.  Insanity is so common that most of us don't even notice it; but there are times when you hit a particularly heavy patch that you can really get a wiff of it.  For me, it's a mix of mothballs and shit... then again, it could just be me farting on myself... but you get the idea.

FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Well, Buckos, we made it through another week.  One step closer to spring.  I'm looking forward to living like a human being again instead of like some mole-man.  The sun hit my face two days ago and I had to scurry into a corner; and shield my eyes with the tattered rags I use for clothes while I'm burrowed under a dung heap for the the 9 months of winter here.

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First up, the babe.  It's an artsy fartsy photo of Eva Mendez in a Campri ad.  Now, I really have no idea what Campri is, but I'll buy anything she's gonna slather all over her legs... which it looks like she's gonna do in this pic.  Plus, it's about a million times more arousing to see how she, the dog, and the fireplace are so awesome and hot that the rest of the house got totally wiped out - and they're the last things standing!  I know how it is though: having sex appeal stronger than a hurricane is both a blessing and a curse. 

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Next up, the beer.  That would be the delicious-ey malt beverage I'm sampling right now: Sam Adams Boston Lager.  Nothing fancy here Buckos... just a nice hoppy brew that'll get me to a nice warm place after about 4 more.  It's a place I like to call "shit-tard-ville".

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This week's joint is a relaxing little ditty which I think compliments the beautiful ladies above.  It's called "Coming Home" by Alter Bridge.  Cheers Buckos!

http://www.youshare.com/view.php?file=05ComingHome.mp3

THE 48 LAWS OF POWER - PART 1

There was this kid in high school who used to try and burn the tip of my nose with his cigarette lighter every day at the lunch table.  He was one of those dudes who had a full beard by the time he was in 10th grade; and would make out in the hallway with the cute girl who I had a crush on since kindergarden.  Yeah, it was a magical time.  

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Soon after high school I took up boxing.  And after a few years of getting my ass kicked over and over by a Puerto Rican who worked at a bakery down the street, I decided to try destroying others in a more gentlemanly way - through graft and deceit.  And that's what led me to "The 48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene.  It's a fancy little read about how to grind people into dust both morally and emotionally.  So far it's worked like a shiney friggin' charm.  I summarized the major points of the book in a slide show.  Here's the first part.  

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By the way, the kid who used to try and smoke my nose in high school... I saw him a few years ago.  He's bald and works at Radio Shack.  It was like a hug from the little baby Jesus.

TAXES HURT MY SPHINCTER.

So some fantastic news today from my local IRS office in Holtsville, NY.  My tax accountant messed up on my returns from a few years ago and I now owe an extra $1500.  So that's relaxing.  Really is.  Just like the time my cat tried to crawl up my leg and ended up hooking one of his claws in my left nut.  Except, with that, I had money left over to buy groceries.

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Funny little thing about taxes though.  You know that 'old wives tale' that says, "there's no law that requires you to pay taxes."  Well, there's something to it.  Just beware: challenging the IRS is like having a million cat's claws hook into your junk.  I'm just saying.  

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A warning about this video: wear old clothes when you watch it... it made me piss and shit myself, and ruin a perfectly spiffy pair of corduroy pants.  True story.

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   AMERICA: FREEDOM TO FASCISM (part 1 of 12)

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ps - the rest of the series is posted on YouTube.