THE EASTER BUNNY IS A POT-SMOKING PAGAN

I suppose another Easter is upon us.  Whoopdie-freakin-doo as far as I'm concerned Buckos.  The Easter Bunny is in my Tooth Fairy category - a D-list holiday icon.  And whoever came up with a bunny handing out eggs as a representative for the resurrection of Jesus is high.  Or a pagan.  Or both.  Which is worse... way worse.  So for those of you who, like me, are sucked into some holiday family function tomorrow that involves egg hunts and that crazy bunny - I have a plan for us: bong hits and body paint.  Yup.  you got it.  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em I say.  I'm going to be the wildest, most pagan-est Easter-loving bastard you're ever going to see.  Those 2 year-olds are going to have their hands full when I roll into this egg hunt baked and painted and ready to party.   So who's with me?  

ps - don't forget to bring six pack to mellow out your buzz.  You don't want to get caught sobering up with an egg roll race staring you in the face.  *Hey, that's rhyme-y.*

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE

Rally around gang.  I know why you're here and you know why you're here, so let's get to it. 

The babe this week is Christini Hall.  Cute as a button.  I'm taking up a collection to get her some furniture.  I mean, seeing a hot chick without any furniture is like seeing... well... a hot chick.  Nevermind.

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Today's beer isn't really a review but more like a wish to the little baby Jesus.  This is Trappist Westvleteren 12 and many people argue is the best beer in the world.  It's made by some crazy-assed Belgian monks who only make a limited amount every year, so it's very rare.  This means it sells for $40 - $80 per bottle.  For that amount of cash it better taste like someone playing with my wang. By the way, if anyone would like to send me a bottle, I will do my duty to the public and review it for you.  Cripes.

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The musical interlude I've prepared for you today is "To Peace" by Sumbersed.  I'm not posting with any particular meaning.  I'm not all into peace this week or anything.  It's just a rocking tune that pumps my nads.  May it pump your nads as well Buckos.

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"To Peace"

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YOU SHOULDN'T FART ON CORNED BEEF

My buddy was making a corned beef dinner for us a few days ago in celebration of St. Patrick's Day.  So that's nice, right?  Well, I was watching him prepare it and while he was basting the luscious brisket with some mustard and brown sugar; he stopped, turned, and laid a fart right on it.  And it smelled like his ass was retarded or something.  Just awful.  But I was brave and ate it anyway.  Not brave enough to tell the other people eating it though.  Hey, what they don't know ... Anyway, I don't know if you've ever tasted a fart but I'm gonna let you in on an unexplored avenue of the culinary ghetto - farts taste like they smell.  Pff... yeah... I know.  So, Buckos, time for the moral of this story: DO NOT fart on corned beef, or any other processed meat for that matter.  In fact, I am now officially against farting on livestock in general, living or dead.  It doesn't seal in the flavor.  It doesn't "add spice."  And it doesn't make you look cool.  Carry on you filthy bastards.

FIVE WAYS TO GET THE MOST OUT OF MR. GASPUMP

Gas prices suck.  I'm not that affected because about six months ago I invested in a syphon.  It's amazing how much free gas you can get out of one trip to a full mall parking lot.  Yup, the gasoline flows like wine in the WTCCTR household.  But if you don't have a syphon or a friend in OPEC then here are five tips on how to get the most out of that pump every time you refill.  These tips are from a squirrely employee who works for a petroleum company in California.

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1. Only buy/pump your gas in the early morning when the ground temperature is cold.  Colder gasoline is more dense.  When you buy when it's warmer the gas has expanded - and your gallon is not exactly a gallon.

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2. When you're filling up, do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode.  Pumping gas slowly minimizes the vapors that are produced.  If you pump at a fast rate some of the gas vaporizes and gets sucked back into the underground storage tank.

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3.  Fill up when your tank is half full/half empty.  The more gas you have in your tank the less air it contains.  Gasoline evaporates quickly, and will evaporate at a quicker rate the more empty your tank is.

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4.  Do not fill your tank when the gasoline truck is refilling the storage tanks.  The refill process stirs up sediment and dirt from the tank that is normally settled on the bottom.  

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And a final suggestion... DO NOT buy gas from companies that import Middle Eastern oil.  These are the countries who have parts of their populations that think Osama binDickHead is a swell guy.  I don't know about you but they can kiss my red-white-and blue sphincter while I eat apple pie and hum "God Bless America."  The following companies DO NOT USE ANY Middle Eastern Oil: Sunoco, Conoco, Sinclair, BP Phillips, Hess, and Arco.  

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Ok Buckos!  Now go out and pump some gas like you got a set!

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MAKE $790 IN TWO EASY STEPS... LEGALLY... er... YEAH

I'm mostly a BOCE when it comes to financial matters.  That old 'give me two $10s for a $5' trick still gives me trouble.  My first girlfriend took me for $4870 and watched me have to hock my 1994-97 porn library just to keep up with the expenses on my rock-and-roll-yoga/drive-thru-proctology business... that never really got off the ground but it's a niche market and I'm a player baby... but... uh... where was I?  OH, ok, so from watching banks breaking down, the Fed freaking out, gas guzzling up to $4.oo/gallon, and little Georgie Bush giving me his "My Pet Goat" look; I stared doing some research online - and a few months ago I bought my first few ounces of gold.  Since then it's gone up a few hundred dollars an ounce.  And guess what?  It's only going to go higher.  So how can you make $790.oo in two easy steps??  

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1.  Buy 1 ounce of gold today.  A krugerrand (1 oz. of gold) is selling for about $1010.oo.

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2.  Sell that krugerrand in about twelve months, when the price is around $1800.oo.  

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If you do a little poking around about the historical prices of gold and where it's headed you'll see that it's a pretty safe bet.  In fact, I sold my 1997-2002 porn library - including my collection of double headed dongs (long story there) - and put all the cash into that sweet, buttery metal.  Here's an article that was in Forbes yesterday if you don't believe me --> here.

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So get to it Buckos!  There's gold in 'dem 'dar... hills... er... local coin shops.

CRAZY DRIVER

Like a lot of people, I enjoy a relaxing afternoon of chain-smoking combined with pots and pots of coffee.  The black-outs are like time travelling and the nose bleeds can be a fun break in the day. Throw in operating a motor vehicle on top of that and you've got a pretty sweet time for yourself.  I, personally, have a nifty backhoe I like driving when I'm all hopped up on stimulants... or, as I like to call it, "gleaming the cube."  But this guy has me beat by a mile.

THE 48 LAWS OF POWER - PART 2

Here's the next installment of Robert Greene's outstanding book "The 48 Laws of Power."  In this part he continues on his theme of how to use manipulation and deception to crush your opponent.  In this politically correct age it's hard to find someone who advocates and promotes complete annihilation of an enemy.  I've used his tools to gain mastery over my chicken (ie. my wang).  I completely choke that fucker to within an inch of his life every chance I get.  Oh, yeah, and I now also completely rule the six pack and all of it's hoppy goodness.  Thanks Robert Greene!  Stay strong Buckos.

ps - you can catch the first video in this series here: Power pt. 1