PRETTY BOY VS. TURD.

I don't know about you squirrely bastards, but I love violence.  Organized violence, that is.  And tonight is the UFC 83 on pay-per-view.  I'm not going to give a lecture explaining mixed martial arts except to say that it rates extremely high on the awesomeness index.  And tonight's main fight matches the rugged, athletic, gracious favorite - George St. Pierre - against the foul-mouthed, short, shit-sucking ghetto opponent - Matt Serra.  And I'd give my left testicle and most of both nipples to see Serra win.  Why?  Because pretty boys always win.  They always get the girl.  They always come out on top.  And any time someone can toss a turd in their eye or flick a booger on their face - that's the guy I'm rooting for.  

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They fought once before and Serra won, believe it or not.  But tonight he's still the underdog.  No really good reason except that Serra is a monster turd.  So here's rooting for the turd!  You're my guy!  In fact, I fancy myself to be quite the turd.  

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Anyway, below is a post of the *end* of their first fight.  It's like a hug from the baby jesus.  It is.

Technorati Tags: ufc, knockout, st. pierre, serra, george, matt, mixed, martial, arts, mixed martial arts, beer, boobs

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Salutations my beautiful bitches.  It's Friday.  I don't know about you but, in my book, Friday's mean suds, sex, and whammy bars.  So...

The babe tonight is Rachelle Leah.  She's done a lot of work as a spokesmodel for the UFC, and has gotten pretty popular since then.  I've had a hard time putting my finger on why that is but I'm sure it has something to do with black leather bikinis.  Funny thing about this picture of her - it's kind of an optical illusion.  If you stare at the picture long enough you'll see a tiger in the background.  I haven't been able to get it to work yet but maybe you'll have better luck.

Tonight's malty wonderland is Magic Hat No. 9.  I haven't been too enthusiastic to try the Magic Hat brews because any use of wizardry or witchcraft on the most perfect beverage ever made seems a little unnatural to me.  But I gargled a little holy water, high-fived a nun (at least that's what she told me before she started grabbin' at my bean tosser), and cracked the cap.  It was a smooth beer that left little after taste.  But, you know, it's a beer.  Unless someone can pull a goddam rabbit or some shit out of the empty bottle I don't see what's so magical.  But when I took a piss afterwards little butterflies came out.. so that made me feel special.  Beer Advocate rates this beer a "B" (good) based on 604 reviews.

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Now that we're all titillated and buzzed it's time to toke up the tune.  It's called "Ordinary" by The Buzzhorn. Don't pay any attention to the title because this song is like spanish fly... but music.  So give it a listen.  Just make sure you have the love napkins (aka, Kleenex) standing by.  Smell you later Bucko!

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"Ordinary"

Technorati Tags: rachelle leah, babe, beer, tune, magic hat no. 9, magic, hat, ordinary, the buzzhorn, love, napkin, Kleenex

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LET'S GET JERKY WITH THE DILITHIUM CRYSTALS.

Abbot and Costello.  Peanut butter and jelly.  Guns and whiskey.  Sex and violence.  Some things just go great together.  And another great duo: prank calls and Star Trek.  The Jerky Boys prank call a mining company and ask about digging up some dilithium crystals in Manhattan.  But what they're really digging up is comedy gold.  Gold I tell ya!  Oh yeah, and as a bonus, I'm throwing in another Tom Mabe prank call on a telemarketer... because I'm good to you like a supple teat to a baby.  Ok Buckos... buckle up for funny!

Jerky Boys Mining Call

Tom Mabe Telemarketer

Technorati Tags: jerky, boys, tom mabe, prank, call, dilithium, crystals, star, trek

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THE COST OF GETTING LAID.

Sex.  We all pay for it.  Single, married, dating or time, money, and tears... we all pay... for the love of the sweet swinging christ.  One time I even had to arm wrestle a guy and kick the shit out of a bunch of chickens just to get the chance to take a girl on a date.  It was at a kind of weird time in my life when I was living on an indian reservation with a bunch of Hell's Angels... but that's a whole other story.

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Anyway, the web site is here: Cost Of Sex.  It will figure out the cost of taking a trip around the old parsley patch with your wife, girlfriend; or that maniac with a vagina you were sweet talking last Saturday.  Ok Buckos!  Prepare to have those boners annihilated!

Technorati Tags: cost of sex, sex, laid, pay for sex, boobs, wife, girlfriend, vagina

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TAXES HURT MY SPHINCTER - PART 3.

Today being tax day or, as i like to call it, "Cornhole Tuesday", I thought I'd continue the series "America: Freedom to Fascism".  It's an 11 part series on YouTube that sets out asking the question, 'Is there a law requiring us to pay income taxes?'  I don't want to ruin the ending but I will say the shock of it made me severely incontinent for days.  I eventually regained sphincter control but not before ruining 3 pairs of goddam spiffy trousers, 2 pairs of socks, 1 right shoe, and a baseball cap (<-- that was a weird day).  Yeah, it was explosive.  If they'd made mud flaps for human assholes I would have been one happy clown-holed dungranger.  But I've soldiered on since then and now I wear my rectum-riffic excesses as a badge of courage - a fecal warrior fighting injustice in a madcap world.

Technorati Tags: freedom, fascism, aaron ruso, taxes, incontinence, fecal, boobs

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THE REAL COST OF WAR.

Howdy ho Buckos!  I'm back!  I rolled back into town last night with a heart full of courage and a fresh case of genital warts, ready to tackle the week.  But when I woke up this morning I had a horrible realization: taxes are due.  And if any of you read my blog regularly, you know that taxes hurt my sphincter.  So in celebration of tomorrow being tax day I thought we'd celebrate by seeing where some of our hard earned dollars are going.  

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That's right you beautiful ass clown... it's the cost of the war in Iraq... in real time.  Relaxing isn't it?  I just like to watch while dip my paper cuts in bleach and bang my nuts with a hardcover book.  To put this number in perspective, it's about $341 million per day; or $1721 per person.  So be sure to get out and pay your taxes tomorrow; so we can afford another 12 seconds fighting towel heads in an oil soaked sandbox.  If you really want to get into it a little more go here.

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By the way, that picture above... the soldier has become pretty well known and labeled as "The Marlboro Marine."  If you want to hear his story and see the real cost of war, check out this video.

Technorati Tags: marlboro marine, cost of iraq war, war, iraq, taxes, your share

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

"I'm thirsty!  I'm randy!  And I want to shake a tailfeather!"  If this is you Bucko, you've come to the right place.  Yessirreebob.

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The babe this week is Jo Garcia.  She's Playboy's Cyber Girl of the Year for 2008 (whatever that means).  She was born right here in good old taxed-to-the-teeth New York.  So that means she's hot and can severely break her foot off in your ass if she has to.  For more "fun" pictures of Jo click here.

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Ok, enough of the happy horseshit.  The beer.  St. Pauli Girl is a brew I haven't had since I was getting beat up for my lunch money... so I'm nostalgic about it.  However, having it again so many years later made me wonder what the hell I was nostalgic about.  It kind of tasted like yellow water.  The best part of it was looking at the cartoon girl on the label.  And don't pretend like you haven't gotten turned on by a cartoon before.  Hell, I even thought Bugs Bunny was kind of sexy when he dressed up as a girl bunny to fool Elmer Fudd.  Anyway, good old Beer Advocate agrees with me.  They rate this Pauli chick a "C" (mediocre) based on 233 reviews.

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Almost done Buckos.  We're up to the musical portion of our program.  On deck tonight is "Caught In The Rain" by Revis.  Not only is it a nifty little number but it celebrates the continuous rainfall we get in April in New York.  Yeah, it's great.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I think my dingy is floating off.  And I can't find my boat either.

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"Caught In The Rain"

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Programming note: I have to get out of town for a few days... gotta lay low.  I had a picture of Mohammed painted on the hood of my car and the Muslim community is giving me a hard time.  I don't know what the big deal is... it's not even the prophet Mohammed.  It's a picture of my buddy Mohammed Dingman.  Cripes these religiousey types are sensitive.  ANYWAY, I won't be updating the site again until MONDAY.  In the meantime, face east and have a pork-free weekend you crazy bastards!

Technorati Tags: jo garcia, playboy, 2008 cyber girl, cyber girl of the year, st. pauli girl, beer, boobs, revis, caught, in, the, rain, why, the, chicken, cross, the, road, roach

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