FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

It's Friday Bitches.  You know what that means...

This is Virginia Collins.  She's a smoking hot model from England.  Her bio also says she's a porn star but I haven't seen her in anything - and I've watched an extensive amount of porn (in the name of research) to try and find her.  Zip.  There's not much more about her except that she's of Hungarian descent.  But, after you see her ass, you're not going to give a crap about her personal history.  Check it out here.

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I'm reviewing tonight's beer under protest.  See, I reviewed one of these lime beers before (see here) - and it sucked Mexican ass.  But my girlfriend likes them and so we usually have them floating around the 'fridge; insulting the other decent beers with their sucking-ness.  Bud Light Lime didn't disappoint in that it sucked just like Miller Chill.  I don't know why people need to screw up the taste of beer with limes, or lemons, or whatever.  It's like putting ketchup on filet mignon.  It's crass.  There.  I said it.  Beer Advocate agrees with me and rates this beer a C- ... "not worthy."  Suck on that BLL.

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The tune tonight is "Ten Ton Brick" from the band Hurt.  They're an alternative metal band originally from Virginia but are now located in Los Angeles.  Great.  LA.  What a cop out.  But they came up with a killer song with this one.  It's been on my play list for over a year now, and it's on heavy rotation.  Stay classy Bitches.

"Ten Ton Brick"

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AND I THOUGHT HEROIN WAS ADDICTIVE.

I'm not a big video game guy.  It often takes time away from masturbating and drinking coffee, so I never really got into it.  Maybe a game based on fapping your horn that gives you a caffeine buzz might be more up my alley.  But I ran across this game yesterday that I ended up playing for 14 3/4 hours straight.  I was just now able to break away to eat and wash as I didn't even bother to make it to the can once that whole time.  That's right... I was so "into it" I let the lemoney and chocolatey goodness fill my drawers like I was a crazed octogenarian out to teach my home health aide a lesson in incontinence.  I mean, when you're on level 18 with 400 seconds left, you can't break for one measly turd or some silly squirt of piss.  You gotta have priorities.  Seriously.  So pull the blinds, call in to work, and tighten that belt on your arms' Bitches.  Welcome to Filler.

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THAT SINKING FEELING.

Ever have that sinking feeling?  You know, the feeling that things are going to get worse?  I don't know about you Bitches, but I have it.  Aside from the general malaise I have every time I fill up my car, or hear about the quarterly losses of Ford and GM - I just have this sense that everything is dicked... and I try to be a chipper fellow most of the time.  A few things I ran across today kind of reinforced my sinking feeling.  And since misery loves company I thought I'd pass them along to all you fantastic bastards.  Ready?

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This little graph is what made me cream my drawers a little.  It shows how much money banks are borrowing from the Federal Reserve (click on graph for larger version).  As you can see, prior to 2008, the most cash banks had borrowed was about $10 billion in 1985.  Then there's that relaxing little spike in 2008 when banks had to borrow about $175 billion to cover all the bullshit loans they made.  Oh yeah, and all those grey stripes are recessions.  They seem to occur around or after the spikes in money loaned out to the banks.  Ok.  Moving on...

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Then I see this article which made me so frustrated I started banging myself in my monster wang with a hard cover book.  It basically says that the Iraq government is going to have a $79 billion surplus by this years' end while we - the U.S. - have spent $42 billion in Iraq on reconstruction since 2003.  And the reason they have a surplus is due to ... WAIT FOR IT... the high gas prices! How cool is that for them huh?  I get 'shocked and awed' every time I fill up my car and all the bitches in Baghdad have new flying carpets to zip around on.  I'm going on record and calling bullshit. 

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In an effort assuage all our pain and anger I'm going out with a luscious babe.  Stay strong.

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ALBANY FIRE DEPARTMENT 1901 VIDEO BY THOMAS EDISON.

I've checked around and, as far as I can tell, the video featured tonight is authentic.  I had a hard time believing there was video in 1901 but it seems that there are several sources that all agree as to it's authenticity.  Anyway, it's a video taken by Thomas Edison himself of Albany, NY's Bravest on a box alarm (an alarm of fire).  In it, six engines, four hose carriages, two hook and ladders, two chemical engines, and a runabout containing the fire chief answer the call. Every engine has steam up and volumes of smoke are pouring from the stacks. The dolts in the crowd almost stumble out in front of the apparatus' as they pass - more interested in Edison's new fangled picture machine (video camera) than the gang of charging horses inches in front of them.  And what's with everyone in the past moving at an incredibly fast pace?  Does being in black and white make you a zippy little bastard or what?

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3 BITCHING GUITAR SOLOS.

About ten years ago I went to see Timmy Reynolds play a concert at a small club in my area.  He left that dead weight Dave Matthews behind and just came to play some solo guitar.  So the dude comes out, sits down, and curls himself around his guitar for the next 90 minutes and did things to that instrument that would have probably gotten him arrested in most of the bible belt states.  Now, I'm a fairly accomplished skin flutist, so I can appreciate amazing musical talent when I see it.  That sent me looking for some video of him on You Tube.  Instead of Tim Reynolds I found about 800 million amazing guitarists doing pretty much the same thing he did.  But no videos of Timmy R.  I think it's a goddam plot by that prick Dave Matthews to keep him in servitude.  I heard he doesn't even pay his band with cash... he gives them half in reefers and half in skittles... sadistic sonofabitch.  So here are three of the solos I found that pretty much smoked my meat.  Man your whammy bars Bitches.

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Sweet salutations to everyone in WTCCTR land!  It's Friday - time for tits, suds, and tunes.  Someone touch me.

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The babe tonight is Sarah Snow.  She's a 23 year old brat from Maine.  And I have that on good authority based on her profile

from Model Mayhem.  Oh, and here's "Sarah McAwesome's" MySpace page... soaked with crap techno music.  You can tell she's a royal pain in the ass.  I'd have to throw her the leg just because she's so hot but I'd be mad at my mcwang afterwards.  More pics of her here.

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Sam Adams Honey Porter was on tap tonight.  It's no secret I'm a big SA fan so it shouldn't be a surprise that - for me - this brew tasted like steak.  And good steak too.  Not the junk you get on sale at the Wal*Mart Super Center.  I tried five more just to make sure my initial impression was correct and I'm happy to report it was.  I'm working like a dog for you Bastards.  Anyway, Beer Advocate rates it a B+ ... "very good."  Word to your mother Beer Advocate.

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Tonight's band was featured a few months ago.  But they're back tonight because they actually rock the hair off my nuts.  Their name is Nural and they're a rock band from California.  There's not much else about them that's worth commenting on.  Pretty generic bunch of dudes.  Maybe after a tour they smoke a reefer or something but otherwise they seem pretty /blah/.  Except for this ...

"Live And Learn"

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Ok, so that closes out another week of craziness you glorious Bitches.  If you find yourself bored this weekend, grab a good friend and rouchambeau each other.  Play on Player!

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THE OLDEST JOKE IN THE WORLD.

So in my wanderings around this wacky place called the world wide web - on a quest to prove that viewing massive amounts of porn will give me super strength - I'll sometimes stumble across odd stuff: stock quotes, news, and now ... the world's oldest recorded joke.  It's from 1900 BC and is a saying from the Sumerians.  Wanna hear it?  Here goes.

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

Golly, that sure is nifty!  You gotta imagine that since someone took the time to carve that in a slab of petrified dung (OR WHATEVER THE HELL THEY USED FOR PAPER IN ANCIENT SUMARIA), it had to be one of the funniest goddam things they'd ever thought of.  I'm going to go out on a limb and say the Sumerians invented "humor" before they invented beer and weed.  Just a hunch.  Now smile wide Bitches.

PS - If you don't believe me and want to check out the article, go here.

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