MY SONG

Remember Alice In Chains? By most accounts they were a pretty awesome band that kinda smoked everyone's ass in the 1990's. Then, in 2002, their lead singer, Layne Stanley, took enough heroin to topple a rhinoceros and died. As it turns out, he wasn't the only talented one in the group. The other guy who started AIC with him was the real brains behind the operation. His name is Jerry Cantrell and he's talented as hell - but has no clue as to how to be a rock star. I mean, he doesn't even drink. Criminey Jerry! ... that ain't no way to be playin no rock music. Even when I was lead ukulele for The Hum-dingers we'd go out after a show, down a bottle of Robitussin and get our balls waxed. You can't get much more rock and roll than that. Anyway, after Layne offed himself Jerry came out with a few solo albums that were pretty much ignored. I'm going to try and rectum that tonight by putting up a nifty little tunage off his debut solo album Boggy Depot called "My Song." So pour yourself a drink and enjoy! ... (that goes for you too Jerry).

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE

I know I don't really come across as a self-help kind of guy but I'm all for self-improvement. I wish more people were into improving themselves; especially since a solid 72% of people are massive f-holes. Seriously. That's a real statistic from Psychology Today or Popular Mechanics or something. The only problem with that self-help stuff is all the warm and fuzzy crap you have to wade through to get to the real information. Foreplay like that is annoying. Just gimme the money shot Deepak Chopra, you zany bastard. But tonight's post is cool because it avoids all that and get's right to it. So, if you're a man, and you're into the whole being happy thing; here are five things you can do to suck the joy. Yeah, suckin' the joy...

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

Signed,

Tiger Woods

NEW YEAR'S REVOLUTIONS

In yesterday's post I'd started my list of New Year's resolutions. Well, tonight I'm going to finish the job. To be honest, I was having a little trouble thinking of worthwhile and attainable goals that I could commit to for a whole year; so I went online to see what some other people were doing. That's when I ran across Squeezy. I watched his resolutions for the new year and decided to adopt every single one of them. Yup. After watching him outline all eight, and the reason for each, I thought, 'Wow, here's a guy who's just like me.' So get a pen and paper and watch because these are more than revolutions... reso... uh... yeah... resolutions... they're life rules - guide posts to redemption for all of us traveling on this manic highway known as the human condition. Thank you Squeezy... and godspeed.

CRASHING INTO 2010!

Hey, welcome to the New Year everyone! I'm just getting back on my feet after a New Year's celebration that included live pig wrasslin' and runnin' from the law like some kinda tough guy. Still, when I head into a new year, I always like to look back at the last one. The ups. The downs. The laughs. The sadness. The trumped up legal charges. The false paternity claims... and just the general zaniness that goes on. So, tonight, I'm featuring a little video in the spirit of "looking back." So now I'll move on to making my 2010 New Year's resolutions. I don't have the full list yet, but I can tell you what's number ONE: more cowbell. Stay strong in '10.

YEAH, SHEAR THAT ASS.. er... SHEEP!

New year is almost here and what better way to get ready for it than with a little sheep shearing. Funny thing, I feel the same way the sheep in the video does, except it happens to me when I when I watch my car's oil being changed. So far I've been banned from 4 Jiffy Lubes, beaten up twice, and offered a free tire rotation. Man, there are some weird people out there.

LET'S HOOP IT UP!

Hey, happy post-Coitus.... er... Christmas everyone! There's nothing I like better following a raucous Christmas filled with huffing gasoline and playing 'hide the sausage' than hooping it up. So, tonight, I'm featuring a simple flash game where you're shooting baskets against about 1000 other people on-line and in real time. You're probably thinking, Pfft... big deal. Hm. Ok, wiseguy. I'll bet you all your Christmas fruitcake that if you play this game twice you'll wind up sucked to your computer screen for the next hour... at least. I think the developer somehow figured out how to embed a cocaine derivative in the code. I mean, so far I've played the stupid thing about 8 days straight and have woken up more than a few times after a black out and with my belt cinched down around my arm. That'll raise a flash game's rating from 'good' to 'super-nifty' in my book. For real Holmes.

click here for Basketball

JUMPING TO YOUR DEATH... IN HD

I'm kinda intrigued by people who skydive, base-jump, bungee jump, or otherwise look death in the face and say, 'Hey bud, let's party.' Even cooler than that is doing it in HD. So this is a video of some guy in Norway with a high-def camera strapped to his head jumping off a mountain. Well, I'm guessing it's a mountain. Judging from the sheer height and the terrain it looks like their jumping off the surface of the freaking moon for chrissakes! It's pretty spectacular to watch. I mean, when a video makes you ruin a perfectly good pair of underwear in the comfort of your own home... now that's saying something. I suggest clicking on the video and watching it in full screen to get the maxium... uhhh... stainage.