THE COOLEST GUYS IN THE WORLD

At any given time, I'm usually considered one of the coolest people in the immediate - if not extended - area. A few years ago there was a rare occasion where my karate wasn't the strongest around. It happened when... well... let's just say burritos and hot tubs don't mix. But that was like 15 years ago. Anyway, I ran across this video a few days ago which has some dudes being way cooler than I've been recently. And since it's captured on tape I guess I'm permanently #2 cool. These guys are now the official "coolest guys in the world." That's only until someone else does something even cooler and puts it on video. I'm not a big fan of being videotaped myself (I'm like the Indians and am pretty sure that shit steals your soul). BUT, I don't think these characters are going to hold the 'cool guy' title for very long. Why? Well, four words: Larry. King. Is. Single. ... Now what Bitches?

THE RAVEN

Man, is it me or do Sunday's have a tint of melancholy at the end of them; with the big, ugly work week looming just a few hours away. Fortunately, I've come up with a fool-proof formula that helps ease the transition from the sweet, sweet chillaxing that is the weekend to grinding it out for the man for the next five days. First, strip down to your underwear. Then throw on some Eminem. Next, dig into a bag of gummy bears until you're so disgusted that you want to punch yourself in the mouth. ... What does all this have to do with tonight's post? Absolutely nothing. But since I'm the Captain of this little ship I can pretty much do whatever I want. It's kinda like being Jesus except without all the annoying hippies following you around waiting for a hand out or a miracle or some crap like that. Anyway, tonight's feature is a little, independent sci-fi film. I think some studio already picked it up and has paid this random dude like $40 million to stretch it out to ninety minutes... probably in 3D too. It's so exciting it's all I can do to keep from squealing like a 14 year old cheerleader... or something.

THE ONE I LOVE IS GONE

R.E.M. was an annoying band. Self-righteous and sanctimonious come to mind when I think of their front man Michael Stipe. Rage Against The Machine, on the other hand, was ahead-of-it's-time awesome. If these two bands got in a fight RATM would've absolutely beat down R.E.M. like the sissies that they were. So it only makes sense that if you mix the two bands together the result is Rage's total awesomeness overwhelming R.E.M.'s pansy beats. It's nice that things in life sometimes work out the way they should, for the love of the sweet baby Jesus...

TIME TO OPEN YOUR HEARTS YOU MANIACS

The Bug has been elusive this week. He'd mentioned something about a mission involving tossing salads but was otherwise woefully short on details. But that's ok because it's not important how he gets his insight onto these enigmatic affairs of the heart; it's only important that he shares them with us - his lambs of love, if you will. So put up yer nickels kids, here's some springtime birds-and-bees advice from Uncle Junebug.

When is it cool to blow smoke in a woman's face?

and

Sometimes I spritz my balls with cologne before a big date. Cool? Premature? Creepy?

What kind of pubic hair-cut do men prefer?

Anal beads: friend or foe?

I'm thinking about sticking my nuts up some chick's ass. Good idea?

I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE

I'm not really a dog person. They're great animals, don't get me wrong. I'm just a selfish bastard and couldn't be bothered to go for walks, scoop poops, or any of the other indignities that come with caring for them. But if you are one of those people then great. You're a better person than I am. I can see how some people get attached to their dogs though. Especially the ones that carry the barrel filled with whiskey around their neck. Or any of those dogs in the painting playing poker. They seem cooler than shit. Or Lassie. ... Or Scooby Doo. ... Or Rin Tin Tin. I guess I'm a big fan of dogs who get shit done. Anyway, dog lover or not, this little movie should tear your heart out of your ass. Enjoy!

Last Minutes with ODEN from phos pictures on Vimeo.

JUNEBUG'S BACK... and more retards

No, that's not a picture of the Junebug. That's Abby from "Dear Abby" fame. The Junebug does look a little like her though... the shifty eyes. Anyway, it's time for another installment of Junebug answering your love questions. It's been a few weeks since we've done this so I imagine all you lovelorn fuckers out there have a ton of romantic issues that need attention, like hemorrhoids in polyester pants on a hot summer day. Get the picture? SO, post your hunka hunka burnin' love quandaries in the comments section of this post and we'll be back in a few days with Junebug's sage advice. ... In other news, I had a reader make an offhand comment about mashing-up my last two posts (the National Anthem and retards). Since I'm in the business of making dreams come true, here ya go - a retard singing the National Anthem. Enjoy! Or, if you speak fluent retard-ese: Enjdootdootdootdaoy! (PS - I don't feel so bad about my going to hell for all the retard humor lately because I know each and every one of you will watch this video).

WILL EVERYONE PLEASE RISE...

I'll admit it. I'm a sucker for a good singing of our National Anthem. I've posted renditions before (here and here) but here's another awesome version, sung by a seven year old girl. I'm kinda hoping this partially redeems me for the retard post from yesterday, even though I still think it's highly goddam hilarious.