WAIT... SMELL MY WHAT???

About every 10 to 15 days something will confirm I'm pretty much right on track with my thinking.  Politics, religion, culture, thongs... I'm scary in touch with all that shit.  So when I see a video like the one posted below it's like a familiar tap on the shoulder from God and he says, 'Right again kid.'  This time I happen to be right about rap, and urban culture in general (e.g., baggy jeans, cockeyed baseball caps, ebonics).  Mainly, that's it's a bunch of ridiculous crap - a "wack" banana peel under the foot of America.  Check out the first minute or so of the video just to get the idea because watching the whole thing has been shown to induce severe mental assification.

Now, if someone held a gun to my head and threatened to steal my penis if I didn't listen to a rap tune I could make it through this without completely ruining my underpants.

So, yo, what it do my bitches.... *cough*... I mean, stay strong Buckos!

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TOP 5 FRENCH MAIDS.

Even though they're cowards the French have made some pretty nifty contributions to culture: toast, fries, dressing and - the greatest one of all - the French maid.  Oh sweet Mary yes... for they are one of the most developed life forms on our planet; a perfect combination of form and function.  Seriously.  How many things in this life get your apartment clean and get your gut stick to stand on it's tippy toes.

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So I rummaged through the internet to find the five best pictures of French maids.  And by "best" I mean boner-riffic.  I wish I could dust with my dong.

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I like to call this one, "Helga waits for permission."  Don't ask me why but it sounds good and dirty... get it?!?  She's a maid... it's dirty.... uh... ok... moving on... 

It would take me a solid week to climb up this woman's legs... and frolic in the lush valley called poodie-tang.

Awww... she forgot her duster.  'Dang you, you little scamp.'

Is it me or are those shoes reminiscent of a fairy tale... from a beautiful, lusty, premature ejaculatory childhood.

I'm kind of like the Crocodile Dundee of cleavage - it speaks to me.  And this cleavage says, "Oui.  Oui... you chicken choking bastard."  'Yes' and 'please' and 'thank you.'  

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FUNNY 911 - I NEED A ... BAMBULANCE?

This is an old 911 call... but it tickles me every time.  Now, I'm not sure what a bambulance is but I'm positive that this guy f*ing needs one.  And, like Shakespeare, he goes on to ask the timeless question: who gets the deer... him or the dog?  Get you some bambulance and deer my hard workin' brother.  Buckle up Buckos!

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I MISS THE MAN SHOW.

I'm not sure how many of you guys out there remember The Man Show (with Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla).  It was on from 1999-2003 and it was f*ing awesome.  The show was, in a nutshell, about boobs, beer, and practical jokes.  But like most things it got too good and so it had to be destroyed.  Utterly and completely.  Kimmel and Carolla both went on to watered-down shows of their own with watered down jokes and boring talk-show interviews.  They probably got big paydays but - sweet Fanny Adams - can't they just pay 'em more to do the same show?  Why is that a dumb idea?  I'm assuming it's a dumb idea because TV executives get paid a lot more than I do to make those decisions... and in America the people who get paid more are smarter.  I think it's in the Constitution...  I'm pretty sure it is.  Or in the Declaration of Independence... or the Louisiana Purchase... or some old timey document like that.

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Here's a clip from the show where they dressed up like pilots and went to the airport blast-assed drunk.  Bottoms up Buckos!

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DOUBLE YOUR GAS MILEAGE.

The gas situation shows no sign of moving out of the "retarded" zone so today is another post on how to get the the most our of Mr. Gas pump (earlier post is here). As many of you know, I'm a crafty and fanciful gentleman so I'll be tackling the problem from both ends - the head and the ass... er... rear.... er... you know what I mean.

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First, getting the cheapest gas in your area.  For this you can go to GasBuddy.com.  Type in your zip code and the prices for your area come up.  But a nifty little side feature to the site is that people who submit price changes in their area will earn points for accurate claims. You can then cash in points for prizes such as free gas cards or a chance to win an electric car.  I haven't heard of a deal that sweet since I got a free plastic rain parka from Marlboro for puffing down eight packs of smokes.  

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The ass end of my strategy involves some simple tips shown in this video.  Try to ignore the fact that it's sponsored by Saab.  My very first car was a Saab and I mostly just pushed it from one service station to another... so the Saab logo induces violent convulsions in me.  In fact, I've just settled down again and am looking for my other shoe - I seized that fucker right off.  Even if you don't care about the mileage part, the chick has some low mileage looks if you know what I mean... those Swedish cowards at Saab aren't complete idiots.  Anyway, I'm going to try all these tips and report back in two weeks.  In the meantime, pump on Buckos!

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PRETTY BOY VS. TURD.

I don't know about you squirrely bastards, but I love violence.  Organized violence, that is.  And tonight is the UFC 83 on pay-per-view.  I'm not going to give a lecture explaining mixed martial arts except to say that it rates extremely high on the awesomeness index.  And tonight's main fight matches the rugged, athletic, gracious favorite - George St. Pierre - against the foul-mouthed, short, shit-sucking ghetto opponent - Matt Serra.  And I'd give my left testicle and most of both nipples to see Serra win.  Why?  Because pretty boys always win.  They always get the girl.  They always come out on top.  And any time someone can toss a turd in their eye or flick a booger on their face - that's the guy I'm rooting for.  

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They fought once before and Serra won, believe it or not.  But tonight he's still the underdog.  No really good reason except that Serra is a monster turd.  So here's rooting for the turd!  You're my guy!  In fact, I fancy myself to be quite the turd.  

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Anyway, below is a post of the *end* of their first fight.  It's like a hug from the baby jesus.  It is.

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Salutations my beautiful bitches.  It's Friday.  I don't know about you but, in my book, Friday's mean suds, sex, and whammy bars.  So...

The babe tonight is Rachelle Leah.  She's done a lot of work as a spokesmodel for the UFC, and has gotten pretty popular since then.  I've had a hard time putting my finger on why that is but I'm sure it has something to do with black leather bikinis.  Funny thing about this picture of her - it's kind of an optical illusion.  If you stare at the picture long enough you'll see a tiger in the background.  I haven't been able to get it to work yet but maybe you'll have better luck.

Tonight's malty wonderland is Magic Hat No. 9.  I haven't been too enthusiastic to try the Magic Hat brews because any use of wizardry or witchcraft on the most perfect beverage ever made seems a little unnatural to me.  But I gargled a little holy water, high-fived a nun (at least that's what she told me before she started grabbin' at my bean tosser), and cracked the cap.  It was a smooth beer that left little after taste.  But, you know, it's a beer.  Unless someone can pull a goddam rabbit or some shit out of the empty bottle I don't see what's so magical.  But when I took a piss afterwards little butterflies came out.. so that made me feel special.  Beer Advocate rates this beer a "B" (good) based on 604 reviews.

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Now that we're all titillated and buzzed it's time to toke up the tune.  It's called "Ordinary" by The Buzzhorn. Don't pay any attention to the title because this song is like spanish fly... but music.  So give it a listen.  Just make sure you have the love napkins (aka, Kleenex) standing by.  Smell you later Bucko!

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"Ordinary"

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