FRIDAY'S ... uh... SATURDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

I was watching the movie "Old School" tonight and it got me kicking down memory lane to my college days.  So tonight's theme for babe, beer, and a tune is college - and all the joy of years of sustained disillusionment that followed.

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Elisha Cuthbert is our babe this week.  She starred in "Old School" and resembles absolutely not one girl I ever saw in college.  Granted, I went to a small technical college where the majority of students were Iranian or Saudi Arabian before it was cool to be Iranian or Saudi; but, shit-sodas, you'd think there'd be at least one hot chick in the school... you'd think that but you'd be wrong.  Anyway, more pictures of her white little ass here.

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Unlike Ms. Cuthbert, this is one little beauty I had a lot of run-ins with at school.  I remember buying a sixer of Piels once where all the label ink was smeared so you couldn't even read the name.  I couldn't help but think that this was some quality-assed shit I was drinking.  Bottom line: Piels isn't a good beer.  But it's cheap.  And if you can choke down the first three then the rest aren't that bad.  It's not glamorous but it gets you where you need to go.  Kind of like the bus.  Beer Advocate rates Piels a C- ... "not worthy."  In Piels defense, if BA had a ranking for "foul odor" Piels would've rated a lot higher.

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You know how they torture prisoners by blasting music they hate at them 24 hours a day?  Well, that's the origin of tonight's tune: "American Pie" by Don McLean.  The mother-f*cker across the hall from me in the dorms played this goddam song 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for my entire freshman year.  Over and over and over.  He never ever got sick of it.  In the meantime, I'm sitting about 5 feet away (in the room directly across the hall) trying to get through the worst year of my life - and having to endure this song, which I hated even before all this.  So, in keeping with tonight's college theme, here it is.  Yup.  American Pie.  By Don McLean.  I've found that it's extra enjoyable if you run a hot bath, slit the old wrists, and bleed out as this sublime melody ushers in the sweet sting of death.  Stay strong.

Discover Don McLean!

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LETS GET RELIGILUOUS

This time of year people get all crazy about God and virgins and babies and mangers and stuff like that.  But, the truth is, people do a lot of crazy awful crap in the name of religion.  I've adopted the Festivus tradition, which makes about as much sense as worshipping other things.  Plus, it's a lot easier to maintain than a pine tree or menorah.  And when the holidays are over you can put the pole back on your front lawn and fly a flag from it.  I usually throw up a pirate flag... just to keep my neighbors on their toes.

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The video tonight is the closing monologue from Bill Mahr's movie "Religious."  It's pretty interesting.  But if you see an ocean start to boil and hear harps - never mind about any of this.  Stay strong.

Technorati Tags: humor, finance, babe, beer, tune, bill mahr, religious, virgin, god, tree, menorah, skunk ass

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WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON TODAY?!?

Cripes!  What's going on today!?!  I went out for my usual end-of-the-month high colonic and bloody marys and everything is closed!  It's like Night of the Comet out there.  So I call my psychic nutritionist and she tells me that today is Christmas!  When did that happen?  Criminey!  So I guess I have to wish everyone a happy holidays now... Merry Christmas you maniacs.

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9

Sorry about the lost few days my little Christmas whores.  I'll spare you the explanation but let me just offer a piece of advice.  If you're staying near a horse farm don't take ecstasy.  Trust me.

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So what do you get when you mix Tim Burton, the director of "Wanted", cool futuristic animation, and a bunch of celebrity voices?  You get the movie "9"  It looks pretty gritty and bad-assed, like my stool.  Anyway, check it out...

Technorati Tags: tim burton, wanted, 9, animation, celebrity, angelina jolie, futuristic, humor, babe, beer, tune, humor, finance, ecstasy, horse farm, ass stitches.

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I GUESS I HAVE A TINY SACK

I'd often pause at random moments throughout the day and admire the fact that I had balls the size of church bells.  I mean, I'd run with scissors, drink milk right out of the carton, eat a bunch of barbecue ribs and go swimming right afterwards, give cops the finger... cripes, one time got so crazy I ate my dessert before dinner.  Did I risk ruining my appetite?  Yup.  And I did it anyway.  That's what you call bad ass Buckos.  Then I saw the video I'm featuring tonight.  It's a dude by the name of Dan Osman.  I guess he climbs cliffs without ropes or any other safety harness.  Just some chalk, fairy looking shoes, and a sweet mini-mullet.  So, I'll admit my nads aren't quite as big as good old Dan's.  But let me leave you with this: I didn't even rake my yard this year.  I let those f*cking leaves just sit there all fall.  I'm looking at you Dan Osman.

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10 SECONDS OF ASS GIGGLING

I enjoy a good chuckle as much as the next guy, as I'm sure you goddam maniacs do.  So there's this video I'm posting today that made me chuckle so hard I popped a nipple off.  It's short - only 45 seconds or so - but ALL the funny shit happens in the first 10 seconds... so prepare yourself.  Go to the bathroom.  Clear away all breakable objects.  Blow your nose.  Stretch.  Hit play.  Stay strong.

Technorati Tags: humor, finance, gold, treadmill, fail, crash, crabcake nightmare

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Wha... where am I??  Whoa.  Sorry about not being around for the last few days.  I'm sure you maniacs managed without me.  After all, Al Gore's internet is a rich, interactive environment which puts the world's libraries and knowledge at your fingertips.  Oh, and a crazy amount of tits.  And just FYI - if you're gonna drop acid and do whippets, pre-plan your way home.  

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Yeah.  I'm not messing around this week.  Michelle Panzarella was a Cybergirl of the Week for Playboy and recently appeared as Playmate of the Month in the current (55th Anniversary) edition of Playboy.  Other than that, the only thing I could find out about her was that... ready?... she has two kids.  Yup.  So here's to you Michelle.  And to breastfeeding until you're 43.  More pics of her here.  (You're welcome Jbird).

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Rolling Rock Extra Pale Ale is on tap tonight.  I hadn't had it in awhile and so I went into this weeks "tasting" with a clean palliate, so to speak.  I've always liked RR's packaging and unique green bottle which makes me want to like this beer.  Then I drank it.  It's a flat, bitter beer with an aftertaste of a car trunk.  After three sips I smashed it over my genitals just so I would enjoy it more.  Beer Advocate rates this bitch a C- ... "not worthy."  I agree Mr. Beer Advocate.  Ptoowy!

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This is intheclear.  They're a straight-up heavy rock band out of Louisville, Kentucky.  And they're awesome.  They've toured with Staind, Chevelle, Sevendust, and Days of the New.  You've probably never heard of them but you should get some of their tunage.  It'll smoke your balls off.  The tune featured is entitled "Dead Roses."  Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go stand outside for a bit.  My balls are making it look like a Texas barbecue basement cookout in the old home office here.  Stay strong.

"Dead Roses"

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