THIS ISN'T HOW I REMEMBER HIM

I know it's been awhile since I've watched Seasame Street, but I don't remember Bert being this pissed-off looking.  Seriously.  Looks like he's on big-time steroids too.  Ernie is probably lying in a puddle of his own piss and shit in the corner.

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IT'S A LONG WAY TO THE TOP BITCHES.

Howdy ho people.  It's been awhile since I last posted.  But that doesn't mean I'm not out there scanning the internets for you maniacs.  It's just that I haven't found anything worth posting lately.  I almost posted a bit about how AIG is like the Titanic (i.e., "too big to fail") but then I thought, 'Cripes, I'm turning into David Brinkley for the love of sweet little Jesus' baby nuts.'  So, when I came across this old AC/DC video, the little man in my loins went all David Carruso on my ass.  By the way, the guitar riff at the beginning of this song is so fucking great it made my nipples smoke.  True story.  Anyway, the video is about 5 minutes long so you'll have to watch the whole thing be absorb the full awesomeness of it.  Stay strong.

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THE E*TRADE KID IS AWESOME.

I love this kid.  

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PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY MOTHERF*CKER!

Jesus jelly-loving Christ.

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Uhh... hi.  I've been temporarily thawed from my cryostasis that is the Northeastern winter to bring you BB&T.  It's been awhile.  Strap on... or in... you know what I mean.

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The babe tonight is Jamie Eason.  She's the recommendation of a friend who says I need more blondes on this site.  So here she is. Jamie is from Houston, Texas and is a fitness model and ex-dancer.  Plus, she works out like a motherf*cker.  I haven't seen an arm like that since my first match at the Arm Wrasslin' and Watermelon Seed Spittin' contest at Billy Bob's House of Your Mother. Her vagina must feel like a bear trap.  But I'm a courageous man of principal; and I'll test the waters if I need to.  I know.  I know... you're welcome.  More pics of her here.

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The beer tonight isn't a beer at all, but hot mulled cider with cinnamon and spiced rum.  It's currently -9 degrees here in New York so I'm skipping the beer tonight and going with something warm.  I love beer like Whitney Houston loved Bobby Brown's crazy cracked-out ass but I can't do it tonight.  I've been making this for about Apthe last ten winters and it's goddam delicious, so deal with it.  Besides, if it hit's -10 degrees I'm planning to actually set myself on fire.  Beer takes a back seat when self-immolation is involved.

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The band tonight is Ra - and they fucking rock.  They're from Connecticut and haven't put out a bad song ever.  They have a catalogue of about 50 songs and every single one of them is good.  They could write a song about strap-ons and dead kittens and it would still be good.  I'm telling you.  They're better than a George Foreman Grill.  The song I'm featuring is "Only."  Plus, it's live.  What does that mean for you, the WTCCTR consumer?  More tasty tunage for to suck on.  You're right, I am pretty cool.  Stay strong.

"Only"

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PRANK CALLERS ARE AWESOME.

We've all seen and/or heard those prank phone calls on talk shows.  They usually get hung up on pretty quickly.  Wouldn't it be funny if they couldn't hang up on them?  Ummm... yeah, it would.  I have proof.

Religious TV Host Badly Pranked - Watch more Free Videos

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2009 - HARDER BETTER FASTER STRONGER

Well, here at WTCCTR 2008 was ushered out with a nifty little musical interlude so I thought we'd welcome 2009 in that same manner.  All this interest in music probably has something to do with the 47 ecstasy tablets I took on or around December 30th... I'm not sure of the exact date.   Anyway, here's a ball pumping tune by Daft Punk.  I suggest you watch it in HD (a new option with some YouTube videos).  May your new year be harder, better, faster, and stronger than the last.  Oh, and my New Year's Resolution?  Stop storing my ecstasy in the ibuprofen bottle.  Stay strong.

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TIME FOR SOME PINK FLOYD

Pink Floyd is awesome.  There are a few bands that hover above of the rest of the rabble of banks plucking their instruments and clutching onto their dorks: AC/DC, Rush, Aerosmith, Sweet Jimmy DiFranco and the DiFranco Five... and definitely Roger Waters and crew.  So I thought we'd go with a musical interlude tonight: Pink Floyd's "Run Like Hell" - in concert.  Roll your doobs now... and toke up on the awesomeness.  Stay strong.

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FRIDAY'S ... uh... SATURDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

I was watching the movie "Old School" tonight and it got me kicking down memory lane to my college days.  So tonight's theme for babe, beer, and a tune is college - and all the joy of years of sustained disillusionment that followed.

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Elisha Cuthbert is our babe this week.  She starred in "Old School" and resembles absolutely not one girl I ever saw in college.  Granted, I went to a small technical college where the majority of students were Iranian or Saudi Arabian before it was cool to be Iranian or Saudi; but, shit-sodas, you'd think there'd be at least one hot chick in the school... you'd think that but you'd be wrong.  Anyway, more pictures of her white little ass here.

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Unlike Ms. Cuthbert, this is one little beauty I had a lot of run-ins with at school.  I remember buying a sixer of Piels once where all the label ink was smeared so you couldn't even read the name.  I couldn't help but think that this was some quality-assed shit I was drinking.  Bottom line: Piels isn't a good beer.  But it's cheap.  And if you can choke down the first three then the rest aren't that bad.  It's not glamorous but it gets you where you need to go.  Kind of like the bus.  Beer Advocate rates Piels a C- ... "not worthy."  In Piels defense, if BA had a ranking for "foul odor" Piels would've rated a lot higher.

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You know how they torture prisoners by blasting music they hate at them 24 hours a day?  Well, that's the origin of tonight's tune: "American Pie" by Don McLean.  The mother-f*cker across the hall from me in the dorms played this goddam song 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for my entire freshman year.  Over and over and over.  He never ever got sick of it.  In the meantime, I'm sitting about 5 feet away (in the room directly across the hall) trying to get through the worst year of my life - and having to endure this song, which I hated even before all this.  So, in keeping with tonight's college theme, here it is.  Yup.  American Pie.  By Don McLean.  I've found that it's extra enjoyable if you run a hot bath, slit the old wrists, and bleed out as this sublime melody ushers in the sweet sting of death.  Stay strong.

Discover Don McLean!

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LETS GET RELIGILUOUS

This time of year people get all crazy about God and virgins and babies and mangers and stuff like that.  But, the truth is, people do a lot of crazy awful crap in the name of religion.  I've adopted the Festivus tradition, which makes about as much sense as worshipping other things.  Plus, it's a lot easier to maintain than a pine tree or menorah.  And when the holidays are over you can put the pole back on your front lawn and fly a flag from it.  I usually throw up a pirate flag... just to keep my neighbors on their toes.

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The video tonight is the closing monologue from Bill Mahr's movie "Religious."  It's pretty interesting.  But if you see an ocean start to boil and hear harps - never mind about any of this.  Stay strong.

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9

Sorry about the lost few days my little Christmas whores.  I'll spare you the explanation but let me just offer a piece of advice.  If you're staying near a horse farm don't take ecstasy.  Trust me.

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So what do you get when you mix Tim Burton, the director of "Wanted", cool futuristic animation, and a bunch of celebrity voices?  You get the movie "9"  It looks pretty gritty and bad-assed, like my stool.  Anyway, check it out...

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I GUESS I HAVE A TINY SACK

I'd often pause at random moments throughout the day and admire the fact that I had balls the size of church bells.  I mean, I'd run with scissors, drink milk right out of the carton, eat a bunch of barbecue ribs and go swimming right afterwards, give cops the finger... cripes, one time got so crazy I ate my dessert before dinner.  Did I risk ruining my appetite?  Yup.  And I did it anyway.  That's what you call bad ass Buckos.  Then I saw the video I'm featuring tonight.  It's a dude by the name of Dan Osman.  I guess he climbs cliffs without ropes or any other safety harness.  Just some chalk, fairy looking shoes, and a sweet mini-mullet.  So, I'll admit my nads aren't quite as big as good old Dan's.  But let me leave you with this: I didn't even rake my yard this year.  I let those f*cking leaves just sit there all fall.  I'm looking at you Dan Osman.

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10 SECONDS OF ASS GIGGLING

I enjoy a good chuckle as much as the next guy, as I'm sure you goddam maniacs do.  So there's this video I'm posting today that made me chuckle so hard I popped a nipple off.  It's short - only 45 seconds or so - but ALL the funny shit happens in the first 10 seconds... so prepare yourself.  Go to the bathroom.  Clear away all breakable objects.  Blow your nose.  Stretch.  Hit play.  Stay strong.

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POPPING AND LOCKING FOR JESUS

It's convert to Christianity week here at WTCCTR.  Last night I found the pastor for my Church of The Virgin of the Immaculate Chicken Crossing The Road and the Four Horsemen of the Divine Jesus-A-GoGo in Pastor X.  Tonight I found the talent for the musical interlude portion of our mass.  I'm not sure of their name but they're spiffy as fuck and have a very Jesus-ey message: a renewed mind is the key to the power that we need.  And here I was looking for my renewed mind in cocaine and $2 whores... who knew?  I'll tell you who - Jesus.  So, without further ado, here's.... uh... Johnny Combover and the Virgin Mary's... or somethinglikethat.  Stay strong.

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I COME IN THE NAME OF JESUS MOTHER F*CKER!

Since I seem to be getting pulled into Christianity through their rock bands, I thought I'd stop fighting it and start looking for a pastor I can start to follow.  It took some searching but I think I've found the guy.  He's called Pastor X.  He's kind of like Malcom X but without the pesky education and introspection.  I was feeling kind of ambivalent about the guy until around the 2:25 mark of this video, when he breaks out the best insult I've heard ever in the history of my life.  Stay strong... and Jesus-ey.

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TORTURE: THE SOUNDTRACK

I'm not a big fan of torture.  I once had a wicked hang nail that had me confessing shit to my cat that I didn't even do.  But you can only go down the Epsom salt path so many times without relief before you start resorting to "alternative" methods.  Anyway, here are the 9 songs that are blasted on prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, in Afghanistan, and in Iraq (in no particular order) to torture their sandy brown asses'.  There's one thing I don't like about this list: only 9 songs.  It's like having 19 hijackers - you know there's one more.  Terrorists and torturers like even numbers.  So what's the 10th song?!?!   I bet it's some form of Christian rock.  Whatever that last song is, torture rocks.  Stay strong.

Metallica- Enter Sandman.mp3

Drowning Pool - Bodies (Let The Bodies Hit The Floor).mp3




AC/DC - Shoot to Thrill (Live At Donnington) High Quality!!!.mp3




hells bells.mp3




Barney - I Love You.mp3




Born In The U.S.A. - Bruce Springsteen.mp3




David Gray - Babylon.mp3

Eminem - White America.mp3




Sesame Street - 1970's opening (show 2178).mp3



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FRIDAY'S... er... SATURDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Ok crap stains.  We're back at it.  Let's get those boob juices flowing.

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Say hello to my lil' friend: Jessica Burciaga.  Jessica seems like my kind of fun loving gal.  She's worked at Hooters, is currently a spokes model for Hot Import Nights (whatever the hell that is), and is Playboy's February 2009 Playmate.  Renaissance woman?  No, but damn close.  And if she'd just move that left hand I'd admit to anything.  More pics of her here.

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In my quest to review the entire Sam Adams collection I'm hitting on Cherry Wheat this week.  I think I'd consider this a "girly" beer but cherry Coke, cherry pie, cherry slots... I love 'em all.  So I went into Cherry Wheat with a strong partiality to the flavor.  I'm going with a big thumbs up on this one.  But it's like a Honda - loved it but don't let any of your friends see you enjoying it.  Beer Advocate rates it a B- ... "worthy."  They probably liked it a lot more than that but had to rate it lower to seem cool.  

Ugh.  More Christian rock bands.  This week it's Manic Drive.  They're out of Toronto, Canada.  They have some pretty decent awards under their belts but, Jiminy Christmas - does every friggin' band I like have to be into God?!?  What ever happened to Satan?  I thought he was a big inspiration to rock and roll.  I guess Jesus is the new Satan.  I don't know.  Here's their tune "Luckiest."  Rock on Jesus!

Manic Drive - Luckiest.mp3


Free Search Mp3 Code at www.codelagu.com

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OWNED!

As a righteous motherf*cker, international man of mystery, and occasional guest air-bassist for the band Manny and the Piss Slits; I've never experienced the raw, bare-assed awfulness of getting owned.  I actually think I have a rare genetic make-up that prevents it from occurring to me.  Kind of like trying to put the north poles on two different magnets together.  It just doesn't work.  So when I see videos like the one below I wonder how these poor sonsabitches have even a shred of dignity left.  Seriously.  They must have some kind of life coach or prescription medications that makes the rest of their days ok or something.  I can't figure it out.  

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FIVE RANDOM PHOTOS THAT ROCK BALLS

In my daily musings and general haberdashery from the past week I ran across the usual insane internet photos.  A few were stand-outs, and really sparked a fire in my loins... er... well... you know what I mean.  Here they are...

I really don't know what this chick has going on but I want 'in.'

Yeah, so this is the most awesome thing I've ever seen in my life.

Coloring is a nifty little endeavour.

The lady will have the Ike Turner and I'll just take a kick in the nuts.

A few dozen of these guys armed with the chainsaw gun and... BA-DOW! ... no more calls from your ex-wife about late child support payments... ever.

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WTCCTR IS BACK! AND SHAQUANDA JOHNSON HAS A PROBLEM.

It's good to be back after a devastating taint injury of several weeks ago.  The morals of that story?  1) Don't try any experimental gonad enhancement procedure and 2) never opt for skin grafts below the waist.  Ok, on to business...

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So I'm wacking around today like my usual tough guy self when I get this phone call.  The person on the other end was looking for a Shaquanda Johnson.  After a 5 minute conversation trying to convince them that I didn't know Shaquanda, that I wasn't Mr. Johnson, and that I didn't know how to reach her; they hung up.  Shaquanda: if you're reading this - stop giving out my number to debt collection agencies you deadbeat broad.  Oh, and wash your dirty, gold-brickin' ass.

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