AIRLINE FUN

Flying in a post-9/11 world has become serious business. It's a little scary without having to worry about the guy next to you throwing matches at his shoes. But sometimes you have to try and break some of that tension, and what better way than with some humor. So today's post is for all you frequent fliers. After you get seated and comfortable, after you get your instructions on how to use your seat as a flotation device, after you're airborne and have your little pack of peanuts - give a wink and a smile to the person on your left and on your right, open up your laptop, and click the link below. Oh, and be sure the volume is turned up. By the time the pilot sets that plane down you'll all be belly laughing and back slapping because of your clever little joke... if the plane isn't put into an emergency landing at a diversion airport and you're not immediately taken into custody by the FBI, that is. That would kinda put a damper on all the yuk-yuks. Stay strong.

Airline Laptop Screen

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YOUR DOUCHEBAG NAME

You know those funny little games to figure out your porn name (mine is Trixie River)or your pirate name (yup, Rough Sailin' Wallace, that's me)...? Well, I ran across one I'd never tried before: your douchebag name. I'm pretty fascinated by douchebags in general, especially the New Jersey Douchebag. So when I saw the chance to get a glimpse of myself through the douchebag prism, I jumped at the chance. I mean, I'll never be that tanned, that moussed, or that puckered; so the least I can do is take a run at the name. It's a weak stab at douchey glory I'll admit, but I went for it anyway. The moral of this story - hang on to your dreams kids.

Your Douchebag Name

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TAKE THAT HIPPIES

I'm not a big fan of hippies.  And I'm especially not a big fan of those hippies who give out the free hugs.  Self-righteous bastards.  I mean, if I wanted dirty, matted dreadlocks pressed into my face; or feel like patchouli was being rammed up my nasal cavity - I'd stage dive at a Grateful Dead concert.  So, when I saw this video of a guy standing next to a "free hugs" hippy charging $2 for "deluxe hugs" I felt vindicated.  Someone was finally standing up to a goddam hippy.  I don't know what was better: the $2 guy pissing off the hippy, or what he had written on his t-shirt.  It's your call.  Stay sucker free.

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DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?

God works in mysterious ways.  Like, how He'll cure paralysis when you're facing 15 to life in a cage with a dude who wants to play 'hide the monkey' with your big chocolaty butt.  Can I get an amen?

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JONES GOOD ASS BBQ AND FOOT MASSAGE... GET YOU SOME!

Now why the f*ck didn't I think of this?  That Sham-Wow guy better watch his back.  Jones is coming after his punk ass with barbecue... and feet.  Someone pinch me.

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THIS ISN'T HOW I REMEMBER HIM

I know it's been awhile since I've watched Seasame Street, but I don't remember Bert being this pissed-off looking.  Seriously.  Looks like he's on big-time steroids too.  Ernie is probably lying in a puddle of his own piss and shit in the corner.

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IT'S A LONG WAY TO THE TOP BITCHES.

Howdy ho people.  It's been awhile since I last posted.  But that doesn't mean I'm not out there scanning the internets for you maniacs.  It's just that I haven't found anything worth posting lately.  I almost posted a bit about how AIG is like the Titanic (i.e., "too big to fail") but then I thought, 'Cripes, I'm turning into David Brinkley for the love of sweet little Jesus' baby nuts.'  So, when I came across this old AC/DC video, the little man in my loins went all David Carruso on my ass.  By the way, the guitar riff at the beginning of this song is so fucking great it made my nipples smoke.  True story.  Anyway, the video is about 5 minutes long so you'll have to watch the whole thing be absorb the full awesomeness of it.  Stay strong.

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LOCK AND LOAD BABY.

Howdy ho bitches.  Now, I'm not a big gun fan.  Actually, I love guns; but I wouldn't know how to work one if it came with training wheels.  Not to mention that I'm a f*cking terrible shot.  I went to a shooting range once with my girlfriend and I almost killed the shooting range operator... who was behind me... in a booth.  Meanwhile, my girlfriend is like dead eye dick (no pun intended).  Yup.  All kill zone baby.  Anyway, I found this video of what the 2nd amendment is really about.  It was so goddam riveting that I did a shot in celebration.  I'm always bulls eye with that shit.  Stay strong.

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BERT AND ERNIE YO.

I haven't watched Sesame Street in a few years.  Well, a few months at least... Well... yesterday.  I watched it yesterday ok?  Cripes.  I don't see what the big deal is.  What other program can you watch that's sponsored by the letter J?!?  That's some nifty shit I tell ya.  That being said, I don't ever remember seeing this little clip of Bert and Ernie, but I always suspected these two were pimps when the cameras cut off.  Stay jeezy Bitches.

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THE E*TRADE KID IS AWESOME.

I love this kid.  

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PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY MOTHERF*CKER!

Jesus jelly-loving Christ.

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OH THE HORROR.

There's a scene in the movie Apocalypse Now where Marlon Brando's character, on his death bed, reflects back on all the atrocities he's seen in Viet Nam; and whispers "Oh the horror.  The horror..."  I now know what he meant.  Stay strong... and leotard free. 

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Uhh... hi.  I've been temporarily thawed from my cryostasis that is the Northeastern winter to bring you BB&T.  It's been awhile.  Strap on... or in... you know what I mean.

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The babe tonight is Jamie Eason.  She's the recommendation of a friend who says I need more blondes on this site.  So here she is. Jamie is from Houston, Texas and is a fitness model and ex-dancer.  Plus, she works out like a motherf*cker.  I haven't seen an arm like that since my first match at the Arm Wrasslin' and Watermelon Seed Spittin' contest at Billy Bob's House of Your Mother. Her vagina must feel like a bear trap.  But I'm a courageous man of principal; and I'll test the waters if I need to.  I know.  I know... you're welcome.  More pics of her here.

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The beer tonight isn't a beer at all, but hot mulled cider with cinnamon and spiced rum.  It's currently -9 degrees here in New York so I'm skipping the beer tonight and going with something warm.  I love beer like Whitney Houston loved Bobby Brown's crazy cracked-out ass but I can't do it tonight.  I've been making this for about Apthe last ten winters and it's goddam delicious, so deal with it.  Besides, if it hit's -10 degrees I'm planning to actually set myself on fire.  Beer takes a back seat when self-immolation is involved.

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The band tonight is Ra - and they fucking rock.  They're from Connecticut and haven't put out a bad song ever.  They have a catalogue of about 50 songs and every single one of them is good.  They could write a song about strap-ons and dead kittens and it would still be good.  I'm telling you.  They're better than a George Foreman Grill.  The song I'm featuring is "Only."  Plus, it's live.  What does that mean for you, the WTCCTR consumer?  More tasty tunage for to suck on.  You're right, I am pretty cool.  Stay strong.

"Only"

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PRANK CALLERS ARE AWESOME.

We've all seen and/or heard those prank phone calls on talk shows.  They usually get hung up on pretty quickly.  Wouldn't it be funny if they couldn't hang up on them?  Ummm... yeah, it would.  I have proof.

Religious TV Host Badly Pranked - Watch more Free Videos

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2009 - HARDER BETTER FASTER STRONGER

Well, here at WTCCTR 2008 was ushered out with a nifty little musical interlude so I thought we'd welcome 2009 in that same manner.  All this interest in music probably has something to do with the 47 ecstasy tablets I took on or around December 30th... I'm not sure of the exact date.   Anyway, here's a ball pumping tune by Daft Punk.  I suggest you watch it in HD (a new option with some YouTube videos).  May your new year be harder, better, faster, and stronger than the last.  Oh, and my New Year's Resolution?  Stop storing my ecstasy in the ibuprofen bottle.  Stay strong.

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TIME FOR SOME PINK FLOYD

Pink Floyd is awesome.  There are a few bands that hover above of the rest of the rabble of banks plucking their instruments and clutching onto their dorks: AC/DC, Rush, Aerosmith, Sweet Jimmy DiFranco and the DiFranco Five... and definitely Roger Waters and crew.  So I thought we'd go with a musical interlude tonight: Pink Floyd's "Run Like Hell" - in concert.  Roll your doobs now... and toke up on the awesomeness.  Stay strong.

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FRIDAY'S ... uh... SATURDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

I was watching the movie "Old School" tonight and it got me kicking down memory lane to my college days.  So tonight's theme for babe, beer, and a tune is college - and all the joy of years of sustained disillusionment that followed.

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Elisha Cuthbert is our babe this week.  She starred in "Old School" and resembles absolutely not one girl I ever saw in college.  Granted, I went to a small technical college where the majority of students were Iranian or Saudi Arabian before it was cool to be Iranian or Saudi; but, shit-sodas, you'd think there'd be at least one hot chick in the school... you'd think that but you'd be wrong.  Anyway, more pictures of her white little ass here.

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Unlike Ms. Cuthbert, this is one little beauty I had a lot of run-ins with at school.  I remember buying a sixer of Piels once where all the label ink was smeared so you couldn't even read the name.  I couldn't help but think that this was some quality-assed shit I was drinking.  Bottom line: Piels isn't a good beer.  But it's cheap.  And if you can choke down the first three then the rest aren't that bad.  It's not glamorous but it gets you where you need to go.  Kind of like the bus.  Beer Advocate rates Piels a C- ... "not worthy."  In Piels defense, if BA had a ranking for "foul odor" Piels would've rated a lot higher.

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You know how they torture prisoners by blasting music they hate at them 24 hours a day?  Well, that's the origin of tonight's tune: "American Pie" by Don McLean.  The mother-f*cker across the hall from me in the dorms played this goddam song 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for my entire freshman year.  Over and over and over.  He never ever got sick of it.  In the meantime, I'm sitting about 5 feet away (in the room directly across the hall) trying to get through the worst year of my life - and having to endure this song, which I hated even before all this.  So, in keeping with tonight's college theme, here it is.  Yup.  American Pie.  By Don McLean.  I've found that it's extra enjoyable if you run a hot bath, slit the old wrists, and bleed out as this sublime melody ushers in the sweet sting of death.  Stay strong.

Discover Don McLean!

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LETS GET RELIGILUOUS

This time of year people get all crazy about God and virgins and babies and mangers and stuff like that.  But, the truth is, people do a lot of crazy awful crap in the name of religion.  I've adopted the Festivus tradition, which makes about as much sense as worshipping other things.  Plus, it's a lot easier to maintain than a pine tree or menorah.  And when the holidays are over you can put the pole back on your front lawn and fly a flag from it.  I usually throw up a pirate flag... just to keep my neighbors on their toes.

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The video tonight is the closing monologue from Bill Mahr's movie "Religious."  It's pretty interesting.  But if you see an ocean start to boil and hear harps - never mind about any of this.  Stay strong.

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9

Sorry about the lost few days my little Christmas whores.  I'll spare you the explanation but let me just offer a piece of advice.  If you're staying near a horse farm don't take ecstasy.  Trust me.

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So what do you get when you mix Tim Burton, the director of "Wanted", cool futuristic animation, and a bunch of celebrity voices?  You get the movie "9"  It looks pretty gritty and bad-assed, like my stool.  Anyway, check it out...

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I GUESS I HAVE A TINY SACK

I'd often pause at random moments throughout the day and admire the fact that I had balls the size of church bells.  I mean, I'd run with scissors, drink milk right out of the carton, eat a bunch of barbecue ribs and go swimming right afterwards, give cops the finger... cripes, one time got so crazy I ate my dessert before dinner.  Did I risk ruining my appetite?  Yup.  And I did it anyway.  That's what you call bad ass Buckos.  Then I saw the video I'm featuring tonight.  It's a dude by the name of Dan Osman.  I guess he climbs cliffs without ropes or any other safety harness.  Just some chalk, fairy looking shoes, and a sweet mini-mullet.  So, I'll admit my nads aren't quite as big as good old Dan's.  But let me leave you with this: I didn't even rake my yard this year.  I let those f*cking leaves just sit there all fall.  I'm looking at you Dan Osman.

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