THE GREATEST OPENING TWO MINUTES OF A MOVIE EVER

Harry Potter and the Dark Wizard in my Pants - or whatever the hell the title is - opened this weekend. It's receiving quite a bit of fanfare for the huge box office it's doing. I haven't seen it yet but I can guarantee that it doesn't have a better opening than this one. I imagine that if Mozart were alive today, seeing a bunch of half naked men riding in a giant shopping cart and punching each other to his tune "O Fortuna" (that dramatic music dubbed over the scene); he couldn't help but hug himself inside... not in a gay way though. It's like, some things just go together... like small pox and penicillin. Stay strong.

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HOW TO INSTANTLY FAIL A DUI

Hey. Another weekend is upon us; and I imagine that a lot of people who frequent this site probably enjoy drinking and driving. Call it a hunch. So tonight I'm posting a video of what NOT to do if you're pulled over and given a breathalyzer test. I mean, I'm here to help you motherf*ckers. Seriously. If I didn't have you guys I'd lose the $0.0045 I make each month in AdSense revenue; and that pack of gum I was saving up for in 2011 will just have to wait. And that can't happen. I've been getting all freaky for a piece of Juicy Fruit for a while now. Stay strong.

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MIGHTY TAPE... FROM THE F*CKING GRAVE!

Billy Mays is dead. But since he's the greatest pitch man in the history of your mother, he's still hocking shit from the grave. His latest commercial just came out - 23 days after his death. That's right, Mighty Tape must be sold. I watched the whole commercial kinda hoping they were going to offer a Billy Mays memorial version; like maybe a simple black tape, or one that has little pictures of his head on it. I'd be all over that. The best part of the commercial comes at 1m 30s when Billy is underwater - wearing his trademark denim shirt - slapping the Mighty Tape around. It brought a tear to my eye to see the big guy workin' his magic even though he's deader than a doornail. If only he'd come out with Mighty Tape about 24 days ago... I'm not saying it would've helped cure a massive coronary blockage but the shit couldn't have hurt. Stay strong.

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LETS GET STRONG

I pride myself on being a sophisticant of the highest caliber and all-around fancy gentleman, but sometimes I like to trade in my tea and scrumpets for some iron plates. The place I do that is a small yet mighty gym called Albany Strength. The owner - himself quite the fancy gentleman - has put the gym online! Yup. So now all the protein powders and creatine shakes I use to sculpt my magnificent form are available to you, the average person. Oh, I know, it's like a dream but it's true. Everything you'd need to get bigger, smaller, smarter, studlier, shorter, taller, more Asian... all in one place. All more inexpensive than any other online store. And all incredibly awesome. So do us all a favor and check out the site in the linked logo below. By the way, there's a picture of me working out somewhere on there. Now, if that isn't a motivator, then you're a corpse buddy. As a bonus I'm posting the AC/DC video "TNT." Because that's how awesome all of this is. ... I know ... Stay strong.

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THE BADDEST MAN ON THE PLANET

A lot of controversy from the big UFC pay-per-view event on Saturday night. The short version is that former WWE heavyweight-turned MMA fighter Brock Lesnar (5-1-0)forgot he's now in a legitimate sport; and became the personification of white trash on steroids. He showed poor sportsmanship (refusing to tap gloves at start of match), no respect for MMA (showing zero MMA or even wrestling ability in the fight itself), and no self-control that a true champion would have. See video here and article here. Check out his outstanding post-fight comments here. Anyway... the whole point to this is that there's a heavyweight fighter that doesn't fight for the UFC. His name is Fedor Emelinenko (30-1-0). He has one loss in the past 9 years, and even that was due to a cut - not a knock-out. More importantly, he acts like a champion: humble, soft-spoken, and respectful of his opponents - both before and after he smashes their face into red goo. Here's a short video introduction a man all of Russia knows by one name - Fedor. If you like it I strongly recommend watching the YouTube documentary about him here. He is, simply, the baddest man on the planet.

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BATHTUB FULL 'O BRAINS

I've been in a weird mood all day today. I think it started when I woke up missing one sock, mustard on my nipples, and my cat was just flat out pissed off. And it just got weirder from there. So this bathtub full of brains is kind of par for the course today. Urp. Stay strong.

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"SOMEBODY SAW A COCKROACH UP ON TWELVE."

One of the greatest cinematic achievements since "Citizen Kane" has been the original "Ghostbusters." The effects are a little suspect by today's standards, but a cool idea mixed with Bill Murray and some sweet one liners puts it up in some rare air... if you know what I mean. I actually had the privilege of whipping out one of those one-liners (the one I used in the posts' title) at work recently and... crickets. Nothing. Not even a chuckle. I mean, it was probably the wittiest goddam thing I'd said all month. It really was. So I looked up the part of the movie where Murray's character - Peter Venkman - actually delivers the line; just to double check on the awesomeness of my usage. And... yup... I was right on the money, for the sweet love of the little baby Jesus. So, in conclusion: I have a great sense of humor and am generally pretty awesome to be around. I even double checked with my mother and she agreed. Pfft. Knew it.

(The clip is 10 minutes long but the best parts are at 2m 5s, 3m 10s, 5m 50s. Cheers Bitches.)

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