FOUND IT! THE *BEST* WEBSITE ON THE ENTIRE INTERNET.

Howdy ho you fucking maniacs.  I'm back after an evening of delicious cocktails and defending justice (in that order).  I was just about to post a video further explaining how fucked we are as a result of the recent bailout.  But then I found it... the absolute best site on the entire world wide web.  Oh, trust me on this... I've been to all of them and this is the best one.  It defies any explanations.  You really have to experience it to truly appreciate it's full awesomeness.  But just a warning before you link to it: make sure you have a solid 2-4 hours to burn because once you click it, you'll be locked in.  Ok, now that that's out of the way, behold the sublime magnificence of Rate My Turban.  Now what bitches?

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Ok knuckleheads.  Time to get at it again.  Everyone!  Man your cocktails!

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The babe tonight is Nicky Whelan.  She's an actress and model from Down Under and she's done various Australian tv shows and modeling jobs, which I personally don't give a flying dingo dump about.  One interesting tid-bit is that she's hooked up with David Spade, which is good news and bad news.  The good news is that she has exceedingly low standards when it comes to men which should give hope to all the sorry dudes out there who don't possess my natural good looks or charm.  The bad news is that she has exceedingly low standards when it comes to men - so you know she's been getting humped on by every dopey Aussie with a kangaroo cock.  Anyway, more pics of her here.

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Red Stripe is the Budweiser of Jamaica.  It's a thin, oily beer that's drinkable on a hot day when you're really thirsty... and there's no water around... and you just got a bee sting on your tongue... and someone has dared you on a bet... and... well... you get the idea.  It's not going to blow your hair back but Red Stripe is good if you're in a bind for a malty fix.  But, if you're actually in Jamaica, I'd recommend just smoking weed and having a pina colada.  Beer Advocate rates it a C ... "mediocre."

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Fighting Instinct is yet another Christian rock band.  They are about the sixth one of these types of groups I've featured so far.  It's not like I'm looking for religious bands.  I just hear a song I like and find out about it later.  So I'm not sure what part of my brain lights up when I hear religiousey music but I've scheduled an appointment with a therapist immediately.  I don't really have anything against Jesus... he was probably a decent dude.  But I absolutely don't want to end up drifting into religion... unless the Pope has a change of heart and gets cool with bong smokin' and luscious bitches.  Stay strong.

Technorati Tags: babe, beer, tune, humor, finance, Nicky Whelan, Red Stripe, Jesus, Jamaica, fatty, dope, pina colada, Fighting Instinct, christian rock, austrailia, i found forever, christ a bing bing, zippety zips

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5 RANDOM PICTURES THAT PUMP MY NADS & A GOOD FALL COCKTAIL.

You see a lot of crazy shit when you're stumbling around the internet.  Like two days ago I bought a bag of stem cells and joined a tobacco cartel; which is kind of impressive when you consider that I haven't folded my laundry in about five weeks.  So, just to give you a sense of the funky shit I've been wading through here on the world wide web; here are five pictures that pump my nads.  Smoke up bitches.  [Cocktail after the pics]

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The Statue of the Republic: From the Chicago's World Fair.  I like it.  Kind of reminds me how I felt the first time I got laid.  

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Lesbianism.  It even makes monuments sexy as hell.

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Actual concept drawing of a Ferrari motorcycle.  So high on the awesomeness index that I'm getting a case of the jimmy legs.  

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Another pic that reminds me of the first time I got laid... but for waaaayyy different reasons.  Fuck yeah Faith Tones.

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Weekend's coming.  Dress appropriately.

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And speaking of drunk, here's the WTCCTR fall cocktail.  A little beverage I like to call 'cider tits.'

1 cup hot mulled cider

1 shot of Captain Morgan spiced rum

1 cinnamon stick

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THE BAILOUT AND A NEW PLAN FOR WALL STREET.

Lawmakers are now putting some bullshit in the bailout plan in order to encourage the House members who voted "no" to change their vote.  Because why would you want to do a thoughtful analysis of the problem and then come up with a plan when you can ram through a panicked piece of legislation that will devalue our currency and give every working American a bill for $4635.00.  It's been almost two weeks since this "crisis" started and no one is rioting in the streets.  I watch the news and expect to look out my window to see a scene from Road Warrior for the sweet love of the four virgins of the apocolypse.  But I don't.  And, I don't know about you, but I get nervous when someone who is losing their shit is telling me what to do - or handing me a big-assed bill.  So, in this political season where people endorse things, I'm officially endorsing Bob's financial plan.  Jump you Fuckers!

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THE GREATIST FOOTBALL SPEECH IN THE HISTORY OF YOUR MOTHER!

Around this same time every year, when a bunch of monstrous dudes start chasing an oblong ball made from dead animal skin around 100 yards of turf like a bunch of fucking maniacs; I'll watch the greatest football speech ever made.  No, not Vince Lombardi.  It's a speech by Al Pacino in the movie Any Given Sunday, just before the big game.  It's just about the most goddam inspiring thing I've ever seen in the history of my awesome life - and that's counting the time I watched an armless stripper pick up $48 in $1's at the end of her set.  She, like Pacino, knew that life is a game of inches.  Watch.  Watch and grow awesome you fantastic bastards.

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PS - If this clip doesn't motivate you to do something - anything! - email me so I can find you and slap the shit out of you.

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WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK! ... WONDER WOMAN AND MAGNUM PI

I've never had the pleasure of being attacked by an animal.  I don't count the time my cousin Nippy threw the raw chicken breast at me, even though it did poke me in the eye.  And from the looks of these videos, if you don't have Amazon strength or a black friend with a helicopter, you're pretty much shit out of luck.  Stay squirrley.

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DOUCHEBAGS.

Douchebags.  They're everywhere.  So tonight I thought I'd do a small pictorial tribute to them.  Now, I favor the Jersey douchebag - so those are who's being featured tonight.  But there are A LOT of varieties: plain, educated, nice.  I suppose the Jersey douchebag is a subset of the plain douchebag.  I'm not sure about that though.  I'll have to consult my local douchebag guy.  Anyway, here dey go... in no particular order:

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A whole flock of them.  Here they confront their observers and display their bright plumage.

A little "how to" for all the kids out there aspiring to douchebaggery.

Douchebag defined.

The douchebaggery is strong with this one.

Larry, Curly, Vinny VonTanalot.

Yup.  All these dudes are voting... and procreating.  Sleep tight.  

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