THE GREATIST FOOTBALL SPEECH IN THE HISTORY OF YOUR MOTHER!

Around this same time every year, when a bunch of monstrous dudes start chasing an oblong ball made from dead animal skin around 100 yards of turf like a bunch of fucking maniacs; I'll watch the greatest football speech ever made.  No, not Vince Lombardi.  It's a speech by Al Pacino in the movie Any Given Sunday, just before the big game.  It's just about the most goddam inspiring thing I've ever seen in the history of my awesome life - and that's counting the time I watched an armless stripper pick up $48 in $1's at the end of her set.  She, like Pacino, knew that life is a game of inches.  Watch.  Watch and grow awesome you fantastic bastards.

-

PS - If this clip doesn't motivate you to do something - anything! - email me so I can find you and slap the shit out of you.

Technorati Tags: humor, finance, babe, beer, tune, tits, any given sunday, football, speech, football speech, best, al pacino, pacino, your mother, christ a-go-go

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator

WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK! ... WONDER WOMAN AND MAGNUM PI

I've never had the pleasure of being attacked by an animal.  I don't count the time my cousin Nippy threw the raw chicken breast at me, even though it did poke me in the eye.  And from the looks of these videos, if you don't have Amazon strength or a black friend with a helicopter, you're pretty much shit out of luck.  Stay squirrley.

-

Technorati Tags: babe, humor, money, magnum pi, wonder woman, tom selleck, linda carter, anmals, hubba hubba, piss out my ass

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator

DOUCHEBAGS.

Douchebags.  They're everywhere.  So tonight I thought I'd do a small pictorial tribute to them.  Now, I favor the Jersey douchebag - so those are who's being featured tonight.  But there are A LOT of varieties: plain, educated, nice.  I suppose the Jersey douchebag is a subset of the plain douchebag.  I'm not sure about that though.  I'll have to consult my local douchebag guy.  Anyway, here dey go... in no particular order:

-

A whole flock of them.  Here they confront their observers and display their bright plumage.

A little "how to" for all the kids out there aspiring to douchebaggery.

Douchebag defined.

The douchebaggery is strong with this one.

Larry, Curly, Vinny VonTanalot.

Yup.  All these dudes are voting... and procreating.  Sleep tight.  

Technorati Tags: humor, finance, douchebag, New Jersey, donkey, shrek sex video

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator

FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Happy Friday you Fags.  All week I've been posting to help get us through this financial shit storm that's swirling all over us.  Tonight is no different.  It just happens to be a regular feature.  Tits ahoy!

-

Jillian Beyor is the righteous babe for this week.  She's your standard bikini model who was born in the north east but moved to Florida.  She had a brief stint on tv on the Beauty and the Geek tv show.  I think she was one of the beauties.  Whoopdefriggindo.  Oh, and she's also the Playboy Model of the Year in 2008.  Now we're cookin' with Crisco!  More boob-a-liscious pics of her here.

-

Bass Pale Ale is tonight's sudsy goodness.  I haven't had Bass in awhile so when I had it tonight I was pleasantly surprised.  It had a nice mild flavor and a smooth finish.  Big thumbs up for me.  Or maybe it was the exotic dancers that were rumping it up in front of me that made it so delicious.  I really can't remember.  But if you do try Bass I recommend having it with strippers... somehow strippers make everything better.  Beer Advocate rates Bass a B- ... "worthy."

-

Righteous tunage for tonight is "Enemy" by Madside.  They are a straight-up rock band from Redding, CA.  Another band with a disaffected album photo.  Everyone should tell these rock bands that trying to look tough has the exact opposite effect.  These guys looks tough.  BUT... Madside kicked out a nifty little ditty so... 

Ok Shitheels... this week of financial awfulness is over.  If you haven't already, crack a brew and brace for the next 7 days.  My bung is already at maximum pucker.  Stay strong.

Technorati Tags: jillian beyor, bass pale ale, madside, enemy, babe, beer, tune, humor, finance, cash, tits, contraceptive jelly

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS SMOKES KANYE WEST.

Tonight we try to assuage our searing anal rape-age by Wall Street and this pesky little 'buy out' with the healing power of music.  

-

Zach Galiflankilisis is a modern-day Andy Kaufman - so ahead of his time that a lot of people don't "get" what he's doing.  On the flip side, Kanye West is an idiot.  He's one of these guys who raps and thinks that because he can steal hooks from other musicians and rhyme words like "stuipdly" and "jewelery" he's some kind of goddamed prophet.  So, without further adieu, "Can't Tell me Nothin'."

-

Technorati Tags: Zach Galifianakis, babe, beer, tune, humor, finanace, kanye west, can't tell me nothin', wall street, financial collapse, shit sandwich

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator

GEORGE BRETT SHIT HIS PANTS.

All this week I'm focusing on strategies to help us deal with the cratering economic disaster.  Monday was cleavage.  Yesterday was tips on how to stay calm.  Tonight's strategy is this: count your blessings.  Instead of thinking about how you'll now have to work until age 78 before you can retire, try and concentrate on the things you're blessed with.  Take, for example... oh... I don't know... um... well, like not having a huge "double tapered" shit nesting in your grape smuggler (ie., underwear), like George Brett.  Honestly, I don't even know what the hell a "double tapered shit" is but it sounds like good old George has some major league fecal issues on his hands - literally.  Stay strong... and continent.

-

  

Technorati Tags: babe, beer, tune, humor, finance, george brett, incontinence, shit, pants, turds, royal, black bucks, double tapered, bellagio, las vegas, true story, bad crabs

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator

EVERYONE STAY CALM!

In light of the impending economic doom I'm using this week's posts to calm the rising tensions and remind people of what's really important.  Yesterday was cleavage.  Today it's tips on how to stay calm.  Serenity now you Bitches!  The end is extremely fucking nigh!  Uh... er... I mean, everything is going to be just fine.  For fuck's sake.  

Technorati Tags: humor, finance, economy, doom, panic, ass sausage

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator