I'M TOO DRUNK TO TASTE THIS CHICKEN

It's a funny thing. I thought the movie "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" wasn't that great, as a whole; but when I watch individual scenes I think it rates right up there with "Citizen Kane" for best movie of all time. It's got this kind of reverse-synergy going on. I've featured some of the PSA's from the movie in previous posts (here) and... well... what can you say. Funny is funny man. I think I find it so humorous because there are so many parallels between the movie and my own life: heroic race car driver with loyal yet dumb-witted side-kick overcome adversity to uphold American greatness. ... Actually, that isn't anything like my life. ... Except for the side-kick. I had a side-kick once. Then it kind of lost it's novelty when he got a restraining order. Anyway, the clip below has one of the best lines of dialogue from a film since Casablanca. Yeah, I'm saying it.

THE EDGE OF TIME

Whoa. It's been awhile. I've been down in our 51st state, Puerto Rico, taking out a drug smuggling ring. It's kind of a tradition with me. Every Christmas I volunteer my time to the FBI to help them crack a tough case. Oh, I know it's thankless but they let me carry a gun; and I usually get to meet with the President afterwards... so it's all Cool and The Gang. Anyways, I thought I'd post this little flick that takes you an a trip from Planet Earth to the edge of the known Universe, and back again. I don't know how anyone could watch something like this and insist we're the only life out there. I mean, I'm not gonna try and talk anyone into believing other life exists in the Universe. But let's just say that a flash of bright light and one anal probe later has made me a believer.

PS - I suggest clicking on the video and watching it in full screen.

FIVE *ADDITIONAL* RANDOM PHOTOS

Mr. ET. I ain't got no time fo' no jibba-jabba when I'm phonin' home... fool!

If you have a lack of infrastructure say 'hooo'

Well, that's one way to look at it.

He put that truck up there... using only his chest hair.

I'll give you 3 guesses... you awesome bitch.

DON'T JERK OFF TO THIS

A recent study done by some Canadian researchers found that all men look at porn. Not 99% of men. ALL men. 100% of them. So, it's pretty obvious why men watch porn. I mean, that's not a mystery. What's funny is that, faced with an absence of porn, men will turn just about anything into rub out material. It's biological or something. Seriously. One time in boy scouts, after 2 weeks in the woods, I went after my junk like a bare knuckle boxer goes after a bartender because I liked the sexy curve of the handle on my stew pot. To this day I'll get a little butterfly in my stomach when I see a nice piece of cookware. Ahhh, memories. ... Uhhh... you'll have to excuse me a moment ::tear::

BLACK SUPREMACISTS?

We've all seen those white supremacists on cable tv, carrying their swastika flags and chanting "white power." They'd be entertaining if they weren't so stupid... and armed. As it is, they're just annoying. But I figured that was pretty much the end of it. Ok, some dumb white people with no cable tv decided black people done did them wrong; so they're going to go walk around yelling at everyone. Fine. End of story. Right? Nope. Just like matter has it's anti-matter; or 'up' has 'down' - now there are some black people, just as dumb and bored as the white supremacists, who decided to be black supremacists. What's a black supremacist, you ask? I've got the answer for you right here. You can thank me later.

AN INTERVIEW WITH SASHA GREY

Sasha Grey is a porn actress who seems to be breaking into the mainstream. She recently did an interview to promote her new, non-porn film called "The Girlfriend Experience," directed by Steven Soderberg (the guy who directed "Ocean's Eleven"). Anyway, it's always interesting to hear porn stars give normal interviews about stuff; they always seem to come across as pretty well adjusted and normal. I guess I'm expecting them to rip their clothes off midway through the interview and start jamming stuff into their orifices. So when that doesn't happen I'm a little bit surprised. The reality is that they're probably so whacked out on prozac, cocaine, and muscle relaxers they don't know which friggin' end is up. I mean, who the hell are we kidding. You have to have some kind of major screw loose to be cramming some stranger's filthy genitals into your mouth and anus on camera. Watching porn is a different story however. You can watch thousands upon thousands of hours of porn and still be completely normal. Trust me on this one.

I'M GLAD WE HAVE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT

Once in a while I'll see a news story that highlights why things are so f-ed in the "a" in America, and the world in general. This week, I found two articles like that. The first one is here. It's about Goldman Sach's. One of those pinky in the air Wall Street banks that got TEN BILLION DOLLARS in bailout money... YOUR money. Yeah, well, the interest rate for that cash has been dropped to 1%. I don't know about you, but none of my loans have a 1% interest rate. Oh, yeah, did I mention that Goldman Sachs paid out $10.9 billion in employee compensation and benefits last year. Funny how they couldn't pay off more of that loan huh?

The second article, link here, goes into detail about how the United States is handing out millions of dollars - again, YOUR money - to farmers in Afghanistan not to grow poppies for heroin. Yup. Unfuckingbelievalbe. I know. If the government was half as creative in trying to balance the budget as they are in figuring out ways to completely piss away taxpayer money I'm sure there wouldn't be any goddam government debt. ... Criminey.

In other news, the plumber who unclogged my sewer pipe took a few extra minutes to explain the difference between regular solid waste and "shit paper." Thanks Mr. Rooter! ... See, a happy ending! Was that so hard?