Monday, December 29, 2008

TIME FOR SOME PINK FLOYD

Pink Floyd is awesome.  There are a few bands that hover above of the rest of the rabble of banks plucking their instruments and clutching onto their dorks: AC/DC, Rush, Aerosmith, Sweet Jimmy DiFranco and the DiFranco Five... and definitely Roger Waters and crew.  So I thought we'd go with a musical interlude tonight: Pink Floyd's "Run Like Hell" - in concert.  Roll your doobs now... and toke up on the awesomeness.  Stay strong.






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Sunday, December 28, 2008

PHILIPPINES, HERE I COME

I love America but American tv sucks my ass.  Two And A Half Men, Reba, Smallville, The Office... they all smoke my wonky trouser sausage.  I haven't watched a fictional tv show from start to finish since goddam Barnaby Jones, starring goddam Buddy Ebsen.  But it seems that tv producers in the Philippines have their shit together.  Weng Weng is a Filipino actor who did movies and tv in the 70's, 80's, and 90's.  After you watch this video tribute to him you'll have to redefine your definition of entertainment.  And Charlie Sheen and Reba MacIntyre will look like the talentless hacks they really are.





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Saturday, December 27, 2008

FRIDAY'S ... uh... SATURDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

I was watching the movie "Old School" tonight and it got me kicking down memory lane to my college days.  So tonight's theme for babe, beer, and a tune is college - and all the joy of years of sustained disillusionment that followed.
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Elisha Cuthbert is our babe this week.  She starred in "Old School" and resembles absolutely not one girl I ever saw in college.  Granted, I went to a small technical college where the majority of students were Iranian or Saudi Arabian before it was cool to be Iranian or Saudi; but, shit-sodas, you'd think there'd be at least one hot chick in the school... you'd think that but you'd be wrong.  Anyway, more pictures of her white little ass here.
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Unlike Ms. Cuthbert, this is one little beauty I had a lot of run-ins with at school.  I remember buying a sixer of Piels once where all the label ink was smeared so you couldn't even read the name.  I couldn't help but think that this was some quality-assed shit I was drinking.  Bottom line: Piels isn't a good beer.  But it's cheap.  And if you can choke down the first three then the rest aren't that bad.  It's not glamorous but it gets you where you need to go.  Kind of like the bus.  Beer Advocate rates Piels a C- ... "not worthy."  In Piels defense, if BA had a ranking for "foul odor" Piels would've rated a lot higher.
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You know how they torture prisoners by blasting music they hate at them 24 hours a day?  Well, that's the origin of tonight's tune: "American Pie" by Don McLean.  The mother-f*cker across the hall from me in the dorms played this goddam song 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for my entire freshman year.  Over and over and over.  He never ever got sick of it.  In the meantime, I'm sitting about 5 feet away (in the room directly across the hall) trying to get through the worst year of my life - and having to endure this song, which I hated even before all this.  So, in keeping with tonight's college theme, here it is.  Yup.  American Pie.  By Don McLean.  I've found that it's extra enjoyable if you run a hot bath, slit the old wrists, and bleed out as this sublime melody ushers in the sweet sting of death.  Stay strong.



Discover Don McLean!


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Friday, December 26, 2008

LETS GET RELIGILUOUS

This time of year people get all crazy about God and virgins and babies and mangers and stuff like that.  But, the truth is, people do a lot of crazy awful crap in the name of religion.  I've adopted the Festivus tradition, which makes about as much sense as worshipping other things.  Plus, it's a lot easier to maintain than a pine tree or menorah.  And when the holidays are over you can put the pole back on your front lawn and fly a flag from it.  I usually throw up a pirate flag... just to keep my neighbors on their toes.

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The video tonight is the closing monologue from Bill Mahr's movie "Religious."  It's pretty interesting.  But if you see an ocean start to boil and hear harps - never mind about any of this.  Stay strong.



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Thursday, December 25, 2008

WHAT THE F*CK IS GOING ON TODAY?!?

Cripes!  What's going on today!?!  I went out for my usual end-of-the-month high colonic and bloody marys and everything is closed!  It's like Night of the Comet out there.  So I call my psychic nutritionist and she tells me that today is Christmas!  When did that happen?  Criminey!  So I guess I have to wish everyone a happy holidays now... Merry Christmas you maniacs.





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Wednesday, December 24, 2008

9

Sorry about the lost few days my little Christmas whores.  I'll spare you the explanation but let me just offer a piece of advice.  If you're staying near a horse farm don't take ecstasy.  Trust me.

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So what do you get when you mix Tim Burton, the director of "Wanted", cool futuristic animation, and a bunch of celebrity voices?  You get the movie "9"  It looks pretty gritty and bad-assed, like my stool.  Anyway, check it out...





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Sunday, December 21, 2008

I GUESS I HAVE A TINY SACK

I'd often pause at random moments throughout the day and admire the fact that I had balls the size of church bells.  I mean, I'd run with scissors, drink milk right out of the carton, eat a bunch of barbecue ribs and go swimming right afterwards, give cops the finger... cripes, one time got so crazy I ate my dessert before dinner.  Did I risk ruining my appetite?  Yup.  And I did it anyway.  That's what you call bad ass Buckos.  Then I saw the video I'm featuring tonight.  It's a dude by the name of Dan Osman.  I guess he climbs cliffs without ropes or any other safety harness.  Just some chalk, fairy looking shoes, and a sweet mini-mullet.  So, I'll admit my nads aren't quite as big as good old Dan's.  But let me leave you with this: I didn't even rake my yard this year.  I let those f*cking leaves just sit there all fall.  I'm looking at you Dan Osman.






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Saturday, December 20, 2008

10 SECONDS OF ASS GIGGLING

I enjoy a good chuckle as much as the next guy, as I'm sure you goddam maniacs do.  So there's this video I'm posting today that made me chuckle so hard I popped a nipple off.  It's short - only 45 seconds or so - but ALL the funny shit happens in the first 10 seconds... so prepare yourself.  Go to the bathroom.  Clear away all breakable objects.  Blow your nose.  Stretch.  Hit play.  Stay strong.




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Friday, December 19, 2008

FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Wha... where am I??  Whoa.  Sorry about not being around for the last few days.  I'm sure you maniacs managed without me.  After all, Al Gore's internet is a rich, interactive environment which puts the world's libraries and knowledge at your fingertips.  Oh, and a crazy amount of tits.  And just FYI - if you're gonna drop acid and do whippets, pre-plan your way home.  
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Yeah.  I'm not messing around this week.  Michelle Panzarella was a Cybergirl of the Week for Playboy and recently appeared as Playmate of the Month in the current (55th Anniversary) edition of Playboy.  Other than that, the only thing I could find out about her was that... ready?... she has two kids.  Yup.  So here's to you Michelle.  And to breastfeeding until you're 43.  More pics of her here.  (You're welcome Jbird).
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Rolling Rock Extra Pale Ale is on tap tonight.  I hadn't had it in awhile and so I went into this weeks "tasting" with a clean palliate, so to speak.  I've always liked RR's packaging and unique green bottle which makes me want to like this beer.  Then I drank it.  It's a flat, bitter beer with an aftertaste of a car trunk.  After three sips I smashed it over my genitals just so I would enjoy it more.  Beer Advocate rates this bitch a C- ... "not worthy."  I agree Mr. Beer Advocate.  Ptoowy!
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This is intheclear.  They're a straight-up heavy rock band out of Louisville, Kentucky.  And they're awesome.  They've toured with Staind, Chevelle, Sevendust, and Days of the New.  You've probably never heard of them but you should get some of their tunage.  It'll smoke your balls off.  The tune featured is entitled "Dead Roses."  Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go stand outside for a bit.  My balls are making it look like a Texas barbecue basement cookout in the old home office here.  Stay strong.



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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

POPPING AND LOCKING FOR JESUS

It's convert to Christianity week here at WTCCTR.  Last night I found the pastor for my Church of The Virgin of the Immaculate Chicken Crossing The Road and the Four Horsemen of the Divine Jesus-A-GoGo in Pastor X.  Tonight I found the talent for the musical interlude portion of our mass.  I'm not sure of their name but they're spiffy as fuck and have a very Jesus-ey message: a renewed mind is the key to the power that we need.  And here I was looking for my renewed mind in cocaine and $2 whores... who knew?  I'll tell you who - Jesus.  So, without further ado, here's.... uh... Johnny Combover and the Virgin Mary's... or somethinglikethat.  Stay strong.

Monday, December 15, 2008

I COME IN THE NAME OF JESUS MOTHER F*CKER!

Since I seem to be getting pulled into Christianity through their rock bands, I thought I'd stop fighting it and start looking for a pastor I can start to follow.  It took some searching but I think I've found the guy.  He's called Pastor X.  He's kind of like Malcom X but without the pesky education and introspection.  I was feeling kind of ambivalent about the guy until around the 2:25 mark of this video, when he breaks out the best insult I've heard ever in the history of my life.  Stay strong... and Jesus-ey.



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Sunday, December 14, 2008

TORTURE: THE SOUNDTRACK

I'm not a big fan of torture.  I once had a wicked hang nail that had me confessing shit to my cat that I didn't even do.  But you can only go down the Epsom salt path so many times without relief before you start resorting to "alternative" methods.  Anyway, here are the 9 songs that are blasted on prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, in Afghanistan, and in Iraq (in no particular order) to torture their sandy brown asses'.  There's one thing I don't like about this list: only 9 songs.  It's like having 19 hijackers - you know there's one more.  Terrorists and torturers like even numbers.  So what's the 10th song?!?!   I bet it's some form of Christian rock.  Whatever that last song is, torture rocks.  Stay strong.

Friday, December 12, 2008

FRIDAY'S... er... SATURDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Ok crap stains.  We're back at it.  Let's get those boob juices flowing.
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Say hello to my lil' friend: Jessica Burciaga.  Jessica seems like my kind of fun loving gal.  She's worked at Hooters, is currently a spokes model for Hot Import Nights (whatever the hell that is), and is Playboy's February 2009 Playmate.  Renaissance woman?  No, but damn close.  And if she'd just move that left hand I'd admit to anything.  More pics of her here.
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In my quest to review the entire Sam Adams collection I'm hitting on Cherry Wheat this week.  I think I'd consider this a "girly" beer but cherry Coke, cherry pie, cherry slots... I love 'em all.  So I went into Cherry Wheat with a strong partiality to the flavor.  I'm going with a big thumbs up on this one.  But it's like a Honda - loved it but don't let any of your friends see you enjoying it.  Beer Advocate rates it a B- ... "worthy."  They probably liked it a lot more than that but had to rate it lower to seem cool.  

Ugh.  More Christian rock bands.  This week it's Manic Drive.  They're out of Toronto, Canada.  They have some pretty decent awards under their belts but, Jiminy Christmas - does every friggin' band I like have to be into God?!?  What ever happened to Satan?  I thought he was a big inspiration to rock and roll.  I guess Jesus is the new Satan.  I don't know.  Here's their tune "Luckiest."  Rock on Jesus!

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Thursday, December 11, 2008

OWNED!

As a righteous motherf*cker, international man of mystery, and occasional guest air-bassist for the band Manny and the Piss Slits; I've never experienced the raw, bare-assed awfulness of getting owned.  I actually think I have a rare genetic make-up that prevents it from occurring to me.  Kind of like trying to put the north poles on two different magnets together.  It just doesn't work.  So when I see videos like the one below I wonder how these poor sonsabitches have even a shred of dignity left.  Seriously.  They must have some kind of life coach or prescription medications that makes the rest of their days ok or something.  I can't figure it out.  





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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

FIVE RANDOM PHOTOS THAT ROCK BALLS

In my daily musings and general haberdashery from the past week I ran across the usual insane internet photos.  A few were stand-outs, and really sparked a fire in my loins... er... well... you know what I mean.  Here they are...


I really don't know what this chick has going on but I want 'in.'


Yeah, so this is the most awesome thing I've ever seen in my life.


Coloring is a nifty little endeavour.


The lady will have the Ike Turner and I'll just take a kick in the nuts.



A few dozen of these guys armed with the chainsaw gun and... BA-DOW! ... no more calls from your ex-wife about late child support payments... ever.


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Tuesday, December 9, 2008

WTCCTR IS BACK! AND SHAQUANDA JOHNSON HAS A PROBLEM.

It's good to be back after a devastating taint injury of several weeks ago.  The morals of that story?  1) Don't try any experimental gonad enhancement procedure and 2) never opt for skin grafts below the waist.  Ok, on to business...

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So I'm wacking around today like my usual tough guy self when I get this phone call.  The person on the other end was looking for a Shaquanda Johnson.  After a 5 minute conversation trying to convince them that I didn't know Shaquanda, that I wasn't Mr. Johnson, and that I didn't know how to reach her; they hung up.  Shaquanda: if you're reading this - stop giving out my number to debt collection agencies you deadbeat broad.  Oh, and wash your dirty, gold-brickin' ass.





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Sunday, November 30, 2008

CATCH YOU ON THE FLIP SIDE

Ok, so you fuckers are gonna have to bear with me.  I scorched the shit out of my taint in a testicle enhancement procedure gone wrong.  I'll be back on Tuesday, December 9th.  Until then.... be potent and stay strong.

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Thursday, November 27, 2008

HAPPY THANKSGIVING YOU PAGANS

Ever get the feeling that Thanksgiving is a pagan holiday?  Isn't everyone gathering around a big bronzed fowl for an entire day similar to worshipping a golden calf or making a sacrifice to the Sun God Ra?  I think it is and all I'm saying is... sign me up.  Those pagans seemed to have life by the cajones: gluttony, deflowering virgins, smiting goody-two-shoes-es, drinking fomented urines... ah... Thanksgiving at my mother's house.  Good times.



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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

SAVE $1000 IN 30 DAYS

As a follow up to yesterday's post, tonight's entry is some practical tips to help you save money.  Let's face it, when the dollar is worth 1/10 of what it's worth now - and a loaf of bread costs as much as a day's pay - we're all going to become some frugal sonsabitches.  I mean, I've already cut back my Brazilian bikini waxes to twice a month.  Pretty soon I'll have to give them up all together; and that's when the old pubes choke my groinal region like a gnarly patch of bramble.  And no one is really in favor of that.



PS - full list is just a short scroll down after the link.


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Tuesday, November 25, 2008

JUST LET IT FAIL

Here's another interview with Peter Schiff.  He's the guy who predicted this whole housing bubble and financial collapse about two years ago; when other financial analysts were literally laughing at him.  In this vid he's basically summing up how we ended up in this fiscal nightmare and the path out.  It's about a six minute clip and I encourage you to watch the whole thing... so when you're sleeping in an old refrigerator box you'll understand why.  OH, and I'll be the guy next to you wearing 4 layers of coats, asking you if you're going to eat that.  Stay strong.



Monday, November 24, 2008

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT???

Once upon a time, Steve Martin was the most hilarious motherfuc*er you'd ever heard.  Here he is before he became incredibly pussified in movies like "Parenthood" and "The Pink Panther."  




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Sunday, November 23, 2008

COVER TUNES!

Ok.  Here's the deal.  The 80's had some of the best music in the history of your mother.  And the new millennium has some of the best bands ever.  Yeah, that's right.  Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, U2, Jimmi Hendrix... they can all suck my donut holder.  All you Zeppelin fans just stop your convulsing and accept the fact that they suck.  They do.  I hate to be the one to break it to you but it's true.  Stairway to Heaven is for fags.  The sooner you accept it the better off you'll be.  Moving on.  

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You get yourself some modern bands to cover 80's tunes and you've gonna have some righteous tunage on your hands.  I made a play list of the more awesome cover tunes and posted it on iTunes.  But there's only one catch: iTunes didn't have all the songs.  I had to post the titles of the missing cover tunes in the "imix notes" section of the play list.  Ok.  Ready?  Get your stonewashed jeans and strap in... or strap on... depending on how the 80's were for you.  The WTCCTR cover tunes play list:


Don't forget to check out the "lost" covers.  You'll be able to listen to them here.


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