CHRIST, WHAT DOES A RUBBER FIST HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING...?!?

Hey, happy summertime Bitches! I don't know about you, but this is the time of year I try to keep the secret missions protecting National security to a minimum; and just enjoy a delicious martini on the beaches of Monte Carlo while I soak my balls in cocoa butter. You guys are probably doing some similar stuff. If not, you should. I mean, now is the time of year to be adventurous. Seriously. Just try random, crazy stuff to make the most of this beautiful weather. For example, last week I just crapped my pants. On purpose. I was walking out of the grocery store and thought, 'I'm gonna shit myself and see what happens.' Know what? It did lead to a fun adventure... but I'm gonna have to clear some stuff with my lawyers before I'm able to tell the story. Stay tuned...

More shit that makes me wanna strangle George Lucas

If you click here you'll never get the next 30 minutes back.

Pffft... I already knew about 20-30% of this stuff anyway...

The phone number is (310) 358-1703.

In my Ninja Army, this dude would be a General.

Where was all this good advice when I was thirtyse.... uh.... fourteen?

These are standard issue when you join Awesome.

Ninja Army. General #2.

I wish I had known about this a week before Father's Day.

Dinner with the President.