When I’m not out solving crimes or diffusing bombs for the Department of Agriculture, most of my time involves romancing righteous babes and bedding them when they least expect it (usually on some kind of porcelain surface). So I’d like to take this opportunity, now that Valentine’s Day is beginning to creep over the land like some horrid heart-shaped swamp gas; to offer a few guideposts that could help my Brothers navigate the dangers lying less than two weeks on the horizon. Buckle in. Here we go.
1. Anal. Don’t try it. Unless the sixth time is a charm, women do not appreciate you attempting any kind of buggery (i.e., fudge packing) on Valentine’s Day. Trust me on this. Of course, this supports my theory that women just don’t understand the deep and mysterious sensitivities of young mens’ hearts.
2. Foreigners. Get one. If at all possible, have a foreign woman as your Valentine. And I’m not talking Canada here. I mean a real foreigner. Like a chick from Guatemala or North Korea or something. This will simplify gift giving by a factor of ten. The entire day is going to be absolutely destroyed if you’re with an American woman and you try to give her a live chicken or swatch of random fabric you bought at Wal*Mart. But if you’re with a broad from... say... Belize and you break out a can of kidney beans with a big red bow slapped on it... well... get ready to be king for a day Mister.
3. Last, and most important: when it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.
Stay strong you loquacious bastards.
