Thursday, March 26, 2009


Howdy ho people.  It's been awhile since I last posted.  But that doesn't mean I'm not out there scanning the internets for you maniacs.  It's just that I haven't found anything worth posting lately.  I almost posted a bit about how AIG is like the Titanic (i.e., "too big to fail") but then I thought, 'Cripes, I'm turning into David Brinkley for the love of sweet little Jesus' baby nuts.'  So, when I came across this old AC/DC video, the little man in my loins went all David Carruso on my ass.  By the way, the guitar riff at the beginning of this song is so fucking great it made my nipples smoke.  True story.  Anyway, the video is about 5 minutes long so you'll have to watch the whole thing be absorb the full awesomeness of it.  Stay strong.

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Sunday, March 15, 2009


I don't watch NASCAR.  But I do love prank phone calls... and anytime someone hops on the phone for and starts jerkin' someone's chain - I'm in.  This prank call has been around for years, but's it's still goddam precious.  ... Yeah, that's right... I'm saying it.  It's fantastical too.  And sublime.  I'm just trying to relate to all the NASCAR fans out there... sheesh.

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Monday, March 9, 2009


I've been seriously training to become a professional sperm donor since I was 13 years old.  Every day, with the dedication of an Olympic swimmer, I'd go to my room and practice for hours on efficiently delivering mass quantities of sperm to meet the crushing demands of the market.  And now... pfft, get this... I'm not friggin' eligible.  I'm probably the most prolific sperm donor in the Northern hemisphere and I'm being shut out just because I'm too old and short, have bad genetics, not enough education, and have ingested some questionable substances over the years.  Can you believe that?!? What the hell man?!?  Well, I'm going to show them.  I've just turned my finished basement into my very own mastubatorium.  That's right.  I'm starting my own sperm bank!  Take that Quivering Nads Sperm Dispensary!  ... Anyway, if you're interested in trying to earn $30-$50 every time you bust out some knuckle babies, check this out.

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Thursday, March 5, 2009


I watch the news every day and it's nothing but bad news.  It seems we're headed for a depression economically.  Every day thousands of people are losing their jobs and houses.  The country is drowning in debt.  Crazed chimpanzees are tearing the fucking hands off people.  And I think I'm sportin' a fresh hemorrhoid.  It's times like these I need to be inspired.  I've posted this video before but it's the best, most fucking motivating goddam thing I've ever seen in the history of my sorry, pig-shitted life.  It's so motherfucking inspiring it makes me have to swear like some kind of half-cocked trucker with a bad case of the jimmy-legs.  Anyone who watches this and doesn't immediately go out and start doing shit to get this economy going let me know - I'll come over and do my Chris Brown impression on your ass.  

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Monday, March 2, 2009


A few years ago Drew Barrymore got off the cocaine and decided she wanted to do a remake of Charlie's Angels.  Great.  It's was your typical bullshit, talentless movie.  And the guy responsible for the whole vag-tastic mess - the director - was a guy who goes by the dumbass moniker of McG.  The fucking guy should wear a monocle with a stupid name like that.  Anyway, when I heard he was directing the new Terminator movie it felt like having my ball sack dipped in candle wax.  For those of you playing along at home that means my balls covered in wax is equivalent to the terminator franchise being pansified and otherwise ruined beyond all recognition.  Then, today, I saw the new trailer for Terminator:Salvation and was fairly fucking blown away.  I mean, I didn't see any scenes with Cameron Diaz doing some bullshit karate in a bikini or Lucy Liu making a bomb out of a bra and mascara; so my heart has been allowed to hope a little.  Please don't terminate my heart McG.  Stay strong.

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