Friday, January 18, 2008

Tonight. We Dine. In. Hell, er, ... Marshalls!

I was dragged through there a few weeks ago by my girlfriend. We actually made it to the clearance racks in the rear of the store when I realized that being in Marshalls is extremely fucking gay. It was at that point I started yelling, "Where is the goddam Albany Strength Protien Powder section Bitches?" - and took some mermaid-themed candle holder to the shopping cart next to me. I beat the piss out of that cart like a man before my girlfriend jumped on my swingin arm. At that point the crack Marshall's teenagers, er, staff, came over to see what the ruckus was all about. I hawked a massive lugar on the first guy down the aisle. The next two I smashed with a wonky discount salad bowl and toilet seat studded with crystals. The shit was getting thick at this point, so I made a break for the exit at the front of the store. My girlfriend started pulling at my pants telling me to stop and just look at all the bargains. I yelled, "Bitch, step off!" and shook myself free. I plowed through discount racks, landed a flying knee on the forehead of a fat asian woman, and had to make some middle manager pay for getting in my way by slapping his shit up with a Harley Davidson ottoman. Once in the parking lot it took me a few seconds to calm the fuck down after all that retail homo-ness I just had to blast through. The massive adrenaline dump also had made me deficate in my pants, ruining my image as a fancy gentleman.

1 comment:

hank chinaski said...

i don't know what your bitchin' is all about... i got the coolest pair of slacks at marshalls the other day...courderoy no less...with snaps and racing stripes.

look for me at the club. i'll be the guy with all the chicks and you'll be the guy with the miserable outlook on marshalls.