PLEASE HELP US FIND THE CRIMINAL RODNEY STENGER.

There's a special place in hell for people who abuse children and animals. So, when we have a chance to catch one of these depraved bastards, I think everyone should do a little extra to try and bring the person to justice. Tonight is one of those times. Please watch the brief video below. Get a good look at the accused child abductor Rodney Stenger. If you see him skulking around your neighborhood call someone with a uniform and have this SOB brought to justice. I want hard time. That means no running wheel... er... exercise yard either. Just 24 hour lock down. Food pellets... er.. bread and water. And that's it.

THE HEALING OF AMERICA

This guy to the left here is T.R. Reid. He's a reporter who traveled all over the world looking at their health care systems, and then wrote a nifty little book. But since reading sucks he gave a seminar summarizing his findings. The link to the video is here. Heads up to everyone: it's over 1 hour long. The first half hour is very worth watching because he objectively compares our system to almost every other industrialized country - and puts the current debate playing out on tv everyday into some kind of context. The second half hour is his basically advocating for a public system followed by a question/answer period. The question/answer part is pretty interesting too. Agree or disagree, this dude knows his health care; and he does a good job of summarizing the whole issue in plain English. But, if all that sounds like a needle in the eye, you have my blessing to skip it all and just check out this hot nurse. Can I get an amen?

REDNECK NINJA

Well, I'm still trying to build a ninja army. With the economy the way it is you'd think there'd be a lot of them looking for work, but I'll take a Chinese star to the eye if I can find any. I mean, how am I supposed to implement Operation Finger Bang without some stealthy Asians? ... What's Operation Finger Bang? you ask... Well, if you're not female and between the ages of 24 and 77 you really don't have to worry about it. If you are, just know that it takes ninjas. Lots of ninjas. And not the ass-clown kind like the guy below.

2001 - A SPACE SUCKOLOGY

I'm not very musical. In fact, I once pulled my groin trying to hit a high note on a kazoo. The point being - I know I suck at music, so I don't attempt it. I leave it to people who have some kind of a musical talent. Just like I wouldn't expect some fruity oboe player to muscle in on my territory and all of a sudden be able to use a deft and charming wit to completely beguile all the women in a fifty foot radius so much that they can't help but start pawing at his pants. I mean, we all have our own little talents is what I'm basically getting at. So when I heard this band doing a rendition of 2001: A Space Odyssey I realized that their abilities also lie somewhere other than music. Like laying flat on their backs in an empty room and remaining completely still for as long as they can. Just a thought.

AHOY, YE SCURVY NUB RUBBERS!

Avast yer drubbery and take up dem patches o'eyes and pegs o' legs, and be quickly about it, ye sons of biscuit eaters! Yup, that's right... today is International Talk Like A Pirate day. Bet you didn't have that on your Hanna Montana calendar, did you? It's all about priorities you sqiffy bastards. The best part of Talk Like A Pirate day is that most other people don't know about it; so when you jump out of bed at the crack o' dawn and scream at your wife, "Shiver me timbers Lass! Ye best be gettin' to swabbin' the deck before I keelhaul ye like a scurvy sprog!" she'll be too confused and scared shitless to really be upset at you. Trust me... it's a funny joke. Here are the tools you're gonna need for the day. First, get your pirate name here. For the record, my pirate name is Bloody Tom Flint (which is funny because my real name isn't even close to that). Your pirate vocabulary is here. And you're pirate-y pep talk is here. And, best for last, a hot pirate babe to wet yer whistle on (a TON more HOT pirate babes here):

WAKING UP TO MACHINE GUNS

Waking up is never a pleasant experience. I have my alarm sound set on bamboo whistle or some ridiculous soothing crap like that, and it's still pretty aggravating when it goes off at 6am. So I can't even imagine the terrible headache you must get when awoken by machine gun fire. I mean, it's gotta be 100% worse than opening your eyes and seeing a Cleveland steamer hatched on your chest... I'm just saying...

ASK PROPECIA

The wise sage Whitney Houston once said, "Crack is wack." That kind of sweeping indictment - especially of something that has some obvious social benefits - has never set well with me. First, crack provides cocaine at an affordable price to working-class people. I mean, pure cut cocaine is insanely expensive. Even in our current recession the price is through the roof... uh... from what my friend tells me. Also, it helps curb appetite and promotes better eating habits in the form of smaller portions. Seriously. Who's got time to grocery shop when you're cruising street corners trying to track down a rock. And, lastly, it's a mind expanding drug that helps people see the bigger picture. Take tonight's featured person - Propecia. I'm sure before she started smoking crack that she wasn't very insightful into relationships or giving life advice. But, as you can see from this video, she's obviously been gifted with an amazing insight that's rare in our fast-paced, electronic age. Unfortunately, Proceia is dead now. A sensitive soul too delicate to cope with the cold day-to-day goings on in this topsy-turvy world. RIP crack ho. And stay strong.

NYPD officers killed: 23

Port Authority Police killed: 37

Firefighters killed: 343

Total number of people killed: 2819

Don't forget.

CLOSER TO... er... BY DICK CHEESE

Tonight, in honor of all the lounging around that goes on on Labor Day, I'm featuring a little musical interlude: Dick Cheese and his band, Lounge Against The Machine. They'll be doing a sublime cover of NIN's Closer. And it is glorious. In fact, I'm going out tomorrow at around... oh... 7am with my new Richard Cheese album and driving through all the terrible parts of town with the bass on '10' playing every. Single. Track. Two can play this game ghetto people!

FUNNY, THAT'S MY FAVORITE TOO