CHRIST, WHAT DOES A RUBBER FIST HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING...?!?

Hey, happy summertime Bitches! I don't know about you, but this is the time of year I try to keep the secret missions protecting National security to a minimum; and just enjoy a delicious martini on the beaches of Monte Carlo while I soak my balls in cocoa butter. You guys are probably doing some similar stuff. If not, you should. I mean, now is the time of year to be adventurous. Seriously. Just try random, crazy stuff to make the most of this beautiful weather. For example, last week I just crapped my pants. On purpose. I was walking out of the grocery store and thought, 'I'm gonna shit myself and see what happens.' Know what? It did lead to a fun adventure... but I'm gonna have to clear some stuff with my lawyers before I'm able to tell the story. Stay tuned...

More shit that makes me wanna strangle George Lucas

If you click here you'll never get the next 30 minutes back.

Pffft... I already knew about 20-30% of this stuff anyway...

The phone number is (310) 358-1703.

In my Ninja Army, this dude would be a General.

Where was all this good advice when I was thirtyse.... uh.... fourteen?

These are standard issue when you join Awesome.

Ninja Army. General #2.

I wish I had known about this a week before Father's Day.

Dinner with the President.

HI FIVES, LIGHT SABERS, AND REALLY REALLY WHITE PEOPLE

Whew! The last two weeks have been nuts man. I mean literally nuts: I had a vasectomy; and went on a tour of the Blue Diamond Almond plant in Sacramento, California. Same day too... so what now? Everyone has their own idea of what constitutes a vacation. Anyway, lots of coolness floating through the ether since I posted last: the utter destruction of the Gulf of Mexico, Star Wars, bacon, white people, alternative energy, and hi-fives. Jesus Christ... I can barely wrap my mind around all this shit.

Welcome to real life everybody.

Remember the horror of Star Wars I, II, and III? Here's four minutes that make me silently weep at what could have been....

Oh yeah, it's happening.

A fun little graphic to contemplate (while BP dumps 1 trillion gallons of oil into the Gulf daily)

I haven't been this speechless since I mistook that string of pearls for anal beads...

As advertised.

THAT'S JUST F-ING GREAT

WHOA, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE...???

Two weeks. That's how long it's been since my last entry. Now, I'm sure most of you have been worried sick as to my whereabouts and well-being; but, as usual, I can't get into specifics. I can report that the oil leak in the Gulf will soon be completely under control; and that China's recent support of European currency will continue to have a soothing effect on world markets. Now, on to more important issues. The last few weeks on these here intertubes have yielded a wealth of information ranging from the smoking habits of toddlers to fun new sex positions. I'm sure those two things are related somehow but I'm so high right now I can't figure it out.... little help.... little help..

Weekend's here - freak her shit out with the Pterodactyl

I'm sure this will have zero negative effect on cognitive development

I'm white and this sounds 1000% right to me

Discount drugs. Yes.

A little tip for BP

Awesome animation

Someone clone this dude because we need him in every elected position ever invented

Expand your motherf*cking mind Craphead

POTPOURRI FROM HELL

In the last few days I've collected a bunch of random crap that could all be their own post; but instead of stringing you bitches along I thought I'd just say 'f*ck it' and put them all up at once. Just to make it frigging fun, I'm going to be a little vague with labeling them. My clever innuendo and deft wit-ittude should make it way more fun and enjoyable. I'm so excited I'm in the process of crapping my pants.

Lady Gaga can suck it.

This is so fucked up it's cool.

Something for the ladies.

The next candidate to be drafted into my ninja army.

I fancy myself a "leg up" man. And you?

Pure awesomeness.

PS - Meat Loaf has a new album out this week called "Hang Cool Teddy Bear." Long live the Loaf.

FIRST SANTA CLAUS, NOW THIS...

Remember how it was to find out that Santa Claus isn't real. Well, get ready for deja-vu Bitches...

THE COOLEST GUYS IN THE WORLD

At any given time, I'm usually considered one of the coolest people in the immediate - if not extended - area. A few years ago there was a rare occasion where my karate wasn't the strongest around. It happened when... well... let's just say burritos and hot tubs don't mix. But that was like 15 years ago. Anyway, I ran across this video a few days ago which has some dudes being way cooler than I've been recently. And since it's captured on tape I guess I'm permanently #2 cool. These guys are now the official "coolest guys in the world." That's only until someone else does something even cooler and puts it on video. I'm not a big fan of being videotaped myself (I'm like the Indians and am pretty sure that shit steals your soul). BUT, I don't think these characters are going to hold the 'cool guy' title for very long. Why? Well, four words: Larry. King. Is. Single. ... Now what Bitches?