Monday, August 11, 2008

30 WAYS TO STAY SANE.

Salutations Bitches.  It's Monday and Monday's are fucking insane.  Not to mention depressing.  If I had a nickel every time a Monday gave me the urge to put on clown make-up and talk to the neighborhood dogs... well... let's just say I could afford to pay for those high-fallootin' head-shrinkin' sessions.  So here are 30 ways to not lose your shit and maybe make the day go a little quicker.  Stay strong.


1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

3) Insist that your e mail address is: Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com Elvis-the-King@companyname.com.

4) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

9) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

10) Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

11) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

12) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

13) Don't use any punctuation

14) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

15) Ask people what sex they are.

16) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

17) Sing Along at the opera.

18) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

19) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

20) Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.

21) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

22) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

23) Call 911 and ask if 911 is for emergencies

24) Call the psychic hotline and just say, "Guess"

25) Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

26) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!", "I Won!" "3rd time this week!!!"

27) When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

28) Tell your boss, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do"

29) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go"

30) Every time you see a broom yell "Honey, your mother is here"


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2 comments:

Joe Pike said...

That would be so goddamned funny had that not been one of the first forwarded e-mails. Ever. I got it in '68 over a Acoustic coupler modem. 2000b/s bitches!

Anonymous said...

So what? And - yeah - on the internets in 1968 huh? It's nice to know I'm hitting with the AARP crowd. Go get your free cup of coffee at McDonalds and relax.