DRUNK HISTORY

Everyone likes history. Everyone likes being shit-assed drunk. So, mix the two together and you've got yourself a really fun learning experience. And because the awesomeness of WTCCTR is so intense that it eminates from my ball pouch, tonight's feature is exactly that - Drunk History! How it works is that some dude gets drunk and his buddies have him explain an historical event while the cameras roll. It's a whole series on YouTube; and they usually get some pretty high-calibur actors to do the dramatizations. For example, in the clip below about Nicola Tesla, Crispin Glover plays Thomas Edison and John C. Reilly is Tesla himself. Marty McFly's dad and Cal Naughton Jr. aren't bad 'get's' for some five minute film featuring a drunk dude. Oh, and trust me... the drunk guy is the main attraction. If you watch it all the way through good old Duncan seems to get more and more inebriated as the clip goes on - and then goes out with an awesome pineapple-flavored bang. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go smoke a spliff and do math. I love you.

WHAT'S UP DOC?

I don't know how many of you out there caught the news, but a tucked-away article on the internets today said that our Federal government passed some kind of health care legislation yesterday. Funny how these thinks kinda sneak up on you. .... Yeah. There seems to be a lot of people yelling and screaming at each other who don't have any idea what they're yelling and screaming about. But you can't blame them. I barely had time to read the ten questions on my census form never mind over two thousand pages of legal-e's explaining health care reform. The most useful thing I've found that even begins to explain where and how much my next prostate exam is going to be is from the New York Times. Click after the picture of the hot nurse to check it out.

How health care reform affects you .

Uhhh... just for the record, I don't think she's a real nurse... but it's fun to pretend sometimes. ... SO, now that the whole health care debate is over and done with; and we're not going to hear another news story or debate about it because the whole issue is pretty much settled - I thought I'd put an exclamation point on the past year's display of legislative efficiency, bipartisanship and mutual respect with a video of a guy getting punched in the face. I think everyone in government should take two of these and call me in the morning. Stay regular.

F*CKED IN THE FANDANGO

Fandango is a web site and iPhone application that lets you order movie tickets from wherever you are and then pick them up at the theater. Ok, great. So about a year ago I order tickets using their service only to find out later that they add on an additional charge of about $1 per ticket. So since that was like having a turd shoved in my face I resolved not to use them again. Fast forward to this week. A weird charge shows up on my credit card for "Reservation Rewards" in the amount of $12.00. I usually don't question these type of service fees because my credit card company bills my card fees under "Credit Rewards" or "Refund Rewards"... stuff like that... so I figured that's what it was. But I thought I'd call just to make sure. After a wicked journey through the phone tree from hell I got Habib; and he and I figured out that it wasn't a charge from them. But, it was a monthly charge coming from somewhere and it's been going on monthly for about a year. (You see where this is going right?) Hmmm... I thought that was odd. The nice Indian gave me the phone number of the company charging me for "Reservation Rewards." I call and, sure enough, it's Fandango. When I used them a year ago they tacked on a $12 monthly fee for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and kept it going for a year! If I hadn't caught it by chance a few days ago they'd still be billing me for who knows how long. Oh, and they decided to cleverly disguise it as one of my regular credit card fees. ... The moral of the story? DON'T FUCKING USE FUCKING FANDANGO BECAUSE THEY'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING ASSHOLE FUCKING FUCKS WHO WILL RIP YOU OFF ON EACH MOVIE TICKET PURCHASE AND THEN STICK THEIR CROOKED DILDO UP YOUR ASS FOR A YEAR AND SUCK OUT $136 WITHOUT YOU KNOWING IT!!! ... ahem... In conclusion, I'd like to bring a little closure to my relationship with Fandango with a sweet little tune from Lilly Allen. Enjoy. ... Unless you work for Fandango or are affiliated with them in any way, in which case I hope you die by fire. Shalom.

THE DAY OF ST. PATRICK

Dia duit you filthy maniacs. That's traditional Irish speak for "God to you you filthy maniacs." Because that's how we roll here at WTCCTR on this holy holy day honoring good old St. Patrick - who brought Christianity to Ireland and pretty much made beer drinking an international holiday. I mean, the Christianity thing is ok but any dude who gets your boss to give you the day off so you can swill black beers with enough calories to kill an elephant ... now that's a miracle worker. So grab a glass lads and tip your cup to the man of the hour. Meanwhile, I'll round out this holiday with some bagpipes and a hot Irish chick... a little combo I like to call 'pipes and poon'. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to stick a shamrock up my nose and slap myself silly with a wet cabbage leaf.

TIME FOR A DUB

We haven't done one of these in a while. This is a recent bit from Jabooody Dubs but here's my question: how is Billy Mays still doing info-mercials? I mean, the dude died almost a year ago. So what's the deal?? Is someone pulling a "Weekend At Bernies" with his corpse? If they are they're doing a spiffy job because he looks great for having croaked last June. I guess that when all your nourishment comes from OxyClean and cocaine some alchemical process takes over to keep your tissues from rotting. ... Ok, that settles it... I'm going to seal up all my holes with Mighty Putty and wrap myself in Zorbees just to see what the f*ck is up. Hey, you never know. I once had an uncle who swallowed a dime and, afterwards, was able to stick spoons to his chest. True story.

THE WRAITH

My inbox is constantly filled with emails from people asking what they can do for me, how they can send money to me, the random person offering up their body; or things to otherwise ingratiate themselves to me and further the WTCCTR cause. Normally my magnanimous nature prohibits me from accepting such offers but I just saw a video for the new limited edition Confederate Wraith and... well... SOMEONE GET ME THIS F*CKING BIKE!!! Now, don't let the price tag deter you. I promise that seeing the joy it brings to my heart will be worth every penny. In fact, I pledge to whisper 95,000 'thank you's for every dollar spent on this sweet little mama cita... as I'm riding around looking f*cking awesome.

I GOT NOTHIN

Unfortunately, Sunday nights are a low energy period in the Universe when the weight of the work week sucks at your nuts and you really can't feel the joy that would usually cup your sack like a warm washcloth. So, basically, what I'm trying to say is that I got nothin' for you tonight. A few lame photos I've collected that scored about a 4 out of 10 on my amusing scale. Yeah, hopefully things pick up this week. St. Patrick's Day is coming up quick so maybe that will turn things around. I think I'm going to go have a bowl of Lucky Charms right now... just to get the positive vibe going. Serious man. I'm the real deal.