THE ONE I LOVE IS GONE

R.E.M. was an annoying band. Self-righteous and sanctimonious come to mind when I think of their front man Michael Stipe. Rage Against The Machine, on the other hand, was ahead-of-it's-time awesome. If these two bands got in a fight RATM would've absolutely beat down R.E.M. like the sissies that they were. So it only makes sense that if you mix the two bands together the result is Rage's total awesomeness overwhelming R.E.M.'s pansy beats. It's nice that things in life sometimes work out the way they should, for the love of the sweet baby Jesus...

TIME TO OPEN YOUR HEARTS YOU MANIACS

The Bug has been elusive this week. He'd mentioned something about a mission involving tossing salads but was otherwise woefully short on details. But that's ok because it's not important how he gets his insight onto these enigmatic affairs of the heart; it's only important that he shares them with us - his lambs of love, if you will. So put up yer nickels kids, here's some springtime birds-and-bees advice from Uncle Junebug.

When is it cool to blow smoke in a woman's face?

and

Sometimes I spritz my balls with cologne before a big date. Cool? Premature? Creepy?

What kind of pubic hair-cut do men prefer?

Anal beads: friend or foe?

I'm thinking about sticking my nuts up some chick's ass. Good idea?

I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE

I'm not really a dog person. They're great animals, don't get me wrong. I'm just a selfish bastard and couldn't be bothered to go for walks, scoop poops, or any of the other indignities that come with caring for them. But if you are one of those people then great. You're a better person than I am. I can see how some people get attached to their dogs though. Especially the ones that carry the barrel filled with whiskey around their neck. Or any of those dogs in the painting playing poker. They seem cooler than shit. Or Lassie. ... Or Scooby Doo. ... Or Rin Tin Tin. I guess I'm a big fan of dogs who get shit done. Anyway, dog lover or not, this little movie should tear your heart out of your ass. Enjoy!

Last Minutes with ODEN from phos pictures on Vimeo.

JUNEBUG'S BACK... and more retards

No, that's not a picture of the Junebug. That's Abby from "Dear Abby" fame. The Junebug does look a little like her though... the shifty eyes. Anyway, it's time for another installment of Junebug answering your love questions. It's been a few weeks since we've done this so I imagine all you lovelorn fuckers out there have a ton of romantic issues that need attention, like hemorrhoids in polyester pants on a hot summer day. Get the picture? SO, post your hunka hunka burnin' love quandaries in the comments section of this post and we'll be back in a few days with Junebug's sage advice. ... In other news, I had a reader make an offhand comment about mashing-up my last two posts (the National Anthem and retards). Since I'm in the business of making dreams come true, here ya go - a retard singing the National Anthem. Enjoy! Or, if you speak fluent retard-ese: Enjdootdootdootdaoy! (PS - I don't feel so bad about my going to hell for all the retard humor lately because I know each and every one of you will watch this video).

WILL EVERYONE PLEASE RISE...

I'll admit it. I'm a sucker for a good singing of our National Anthem. I've posted renditions before (here and here) but here's another awesome version, sung by a seven year old girl. I'm kinda hoping this partially redeems me for the retard post from yesterday, even though I still think it's highly goddam hilarious.

ANGRY RETARDS ON A SATURDAY NIGHT

Hey. It's Saturday. I'm tired. And I don't really care who I might offend. I mean, I'm usually sensitive as hell... charming too. Just ask my mother. This being said, I'm posting a funny picture of an angry retard and a crazy mash-up song of Lady Gaga and Metallica. Why? Because irate retards are funny and some mash-ups are cool. There. I said it. Yeah, I'm going to hell - especially if God is a big, fat, googley-eyed retard. Never thought of that, did ya?

***

PS - If you're into the whole mash-up thing, follow "Mixes & Mashups" on Facebook. Some dude cranks out about four a day, all of which you can download. No, no thanks are necessary. Your undying devotion is more than enough.

A CALL TO ARMS

It's time to mobilize the WTCCTR Army (that's you) for a mission of trivial proportions. The local paper here is hosting an on-line "Best Of..." poll for local goods and services; and, you guessed it, one of the categories is "Favorite Local Website." Well, I wanna pull off the upset. Right now the front runner is probably fridaypuppy.com, which features dogs, people taking walks, recipes, and other normal random bland crapola which makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I'd like to usurp the title from fridaypuppy and let people know that sometimes, just sometimes, monkey porn, nirvana covers and midget lesbianism win out over orzo recipes and free t-shirts. So lace up your jack boots - here's your assignment:

1. go to THIS page and scroll half-way down the page.

2. click the box that says "Vote for Capital Region's Best."

3. you DON'T have to answer every question... skip forward until the progress bar at the top is at 75% complete.

4. you should be on the section that asks for your favorite local website.

5. enter this web address: WWW.WTCCTR.COM

6. tell a friend to repeat steps 1-5. I want to kill this thing.

I'll let you know the results as they become available. Listen... we pull this off... well, let me just say... the beer will flow like wine while spunky little nymphs cup our balls and whisper where we can find buried treasure. In the meantime, here's your combat pay for today.

WTCCTR evidence of awesome exhibit #1

WTCCTR evidence of awesome exhibit #2

WTCCTR evidence of awesome exhibit #3

THE GIFT

So I stumbled across this gnarly little short film today that was pretty righteous. Most of the time these short films that litter the internet are beyond awful; and I rarely get past the first five seconds. The web site funnyordie.com is like this. Everything they do is so un-funny it actually has the opposite of it's intended effect; and I'll walk away so aggravated that I'll have to call a complete stranger and say, "Hey, the shit is in the bag," and hang up, just to relieve some tension ... Anyway, back to this flick. It has something to do with robots and unicorns and some little brat by the river but beyond that your guess is as good as mine. It's still pretty spiffy. Trust me. I'm a doctor.

FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.... remember these?

Heyde Ho chicken fans! So many of you are probably thinking, 'Well, it's about friggin' time. Your last post was a week ago!' Yup. It was. And the reason it was is due to the fact that the internet is becoming like cable tv - a billion channels and nothing on. There hasn't been one gosh golly dang interesting or unique thing on this series of tubes we call the internet all week. It's all been Tiger Woods and a bunch of geeky shit (e.g., iPad shit, why it's o.k. for vegans to eat oysters, etc.). I'm talking total bullshit. And, trust me, I looked. Anyways, a buddy of mine suggested I resurrect the "Beer, Babe, and a Tune" post that I used to do every Friday. All the international recognition and acclaim doesn't mean I'm not still in touch with the people. So here goes.

Chips ahoy boys! This is Charlie Christine. There wasn't much information on her but here's her web page anyway. So if she doesn't care then I guess I don't care. And I really don't. Unless it has to do with her skills as a french maid; I really, really don't give two craps what her favorite flavor of ice cream in high school was.

Tonight I had a few Sam Adams Black Lager's. It's a little bit heavy but had a nice flavor that really goes down good while showering. Just trust me on this. Beer Advocate rates the suds as a B+ ... "very good." Yeah, ok. Very good. I love it when a plan comes together.

The Dropkick Murphys are a Celtic punk/hardcore band from Quincy, Massassachussets. I'm putting their tune up tonight because I felt like hearing some bagpipes again. I'm still in the St. Patrick's day mode I suppose; and bagpipes are my cowbell - more bagpipes bitches!

As usual, I'll go the extra mile for you maniacs and deliver a little bonus pic of tonight's babe. What now wiseguy?

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

Easter is almost here so I'm celebrating the resurrection of Jesus with a movie preview. But not just any movie. It's a preview for a horror flick called "The Human Centipede," which is about a gnarly doctor who surgically attaches people together in a chain - mouth to anus (or asshole, for those of you non-aristocrats out there). I've been telling people about this movie for a few months but everyone thinks I'm making it up; so here's video proof I haven't gone completely batshit insane. Fingers crossed they're going to release a 3D version.