Why'd The Chicken Cross The Road...?: masturbate

Monday, March 9, 2009

CASH FOR SPERM

I've been seriously training to become a professional sperm donor since I was 13 years old. Every day, with the dedication of an Olympic swimmer, I'd go to my room and practice for hours on efficiently delivering mass quantities of sperm to meet the crushing demands of the market. And now... pfft, get this... I'm not friggin' eligible. I'm probably the most prolific sperm donor in the Northern hemisphere and I'm being shut out just because I'm too old and short, have bad genetics, not enough education, and have ingested some questionable substances over the years. Can you believe that?!? What the hell man?!? Well, I'm going to show them. I've just turned my finished basement into my very own mastubatorium. That's right. I'm starting my own sperm bank! Take that Quivering Nads Sperm Dispensary! ... Anyway, if you're interested in trying to earn $30-$50 every time you bust out some knuckle babies, check this out.

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Tuesday, October 21, 2008

TIPS TO HANDLE STRESS

Howdy ho bitches. I don't know about you but it's been one hell of a week so far. I mean, regular everyday life is stressful enough but when you add in having to bed the local young maidens and be a moral compass for the youth of the community... shit... it gets downright exhausting. So here's a sign I found that gives a few handy tips on how to handle stress:

They are obviously ranked in no particular order because if they were ranked say, oh, in order of effectiveness - then masturbation would be ranked number one, with everything else a way distant second. And I'll sometimes combine a few of those suggestions to multiply the stress relieving effects. For example, asking for help to masturbate is a great way to blow off steam. Or, doing yoga while masturbating is also a huge help. Then there's masturbating while petting an animal. ... Well, you get the idea. Stay strong... and masturbate.