TAXES HURT MY SPHINCTER - PART 2.

About a month ago I posted the first part in a eleven part video series called "America: Freedom To Fascism."  You can check it out here.  Well Buckos, with tax time just around the corner, I'm posting part two of the series.  So, if you're not motivated to give Uncle Sam some of your sweet sweet coinage, this should make it worse.  But you maniacs should look at the bright side: at least you don't have to release your return to the national media and explain why you and your husband have invested your $$ in tax shelters in the Cayman Islands since he left office as the President of a pretty kick-ass country... hypothetically speaking... ahem.

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AMERICA: FREEDOM TO FASCISM (2 of 11)

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Congratulations Buckos.  Here's your lusty reward for making through the last five days of servitude and pandering... if that sounds weird then you haven't lived in the "real world" yet where your pride is stripped from you like a garter belt at a red neck county fair.

G'day mate!  This is Krystal Forscutt.  She's an Austrailian model.  From a quick glance at her stats I saw she was born in 1987, which kind of ruins the fantasy for me a little.  I mean by 1987 I'd already discovered erectile dysfunction and found out you could get fired for drinking at work.  And both in the same day for cripes sake!  Seriously, how the hell are you supposed to know about the drinking at work thing?!?  My old guidance counselor recieved a very terse letter that year.  You betcha.

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Smithwick's (pronounced Smith-icks) is a muscular red ale from Ireland.  It took extensive testing and two trips to the corner store to really provide a accurate review.  *hic*  I go the extra mile for you bastards.  Anyway, it's a little malty, a little sweet; and made me go put on my "I'm so irish I shit leprechauns" tshirt.  So, that's a good review in my book.  BeerAdvocate gave it a "B" rating based on 247 reviews.

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The tune this week is a moist little ditty by Presence called "Down the Road."  Because we're all heading down that proverbial road...  may it be lined with raunchy whores with luscious boobs, frothy beers in silver buckets, and raucous melodies that give us wood.  March on Buckos!

"Down the Road"

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ROCK. PAPER, SCISSORS. FISTS.

Sounds like someone had a bad RPS experience.  I kind of had a similar thing happen, but with hop scotch.  Tired of that little rock mocking me and telling me where I could and couldn't step, I kicked that mother f-er right off and had that toe go tippety tappin' on the square where it had been.  Yup, back then a day without danger was like a day without sunshine.

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DITA VON TEESE LESBIAN SEX TAPE. UH. WHOA.

Sometimes God does things that shows us that he loves us.  Like today, when Marlyn Manson's ex-wife and famous burlesque model, Dita Von Teese, had her lesbian sex tape released.  So the official score is: Lesbians = 1, all guys who aren't Marlyn Manson = 1, Marlyn Manson = - 345,234,235.  I can't post the video but you can link to it here.  Thankyoujesusthankyoujesus.

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DO WHAT HE SAYS OR THE PISS WEASLE GET'S IT!!

So I'm cruising around the internet getting Rick Roll'd and reading about how the oil companies are asking for more tax subsidies... basically minding my own business; and I run across this picture:

(click picture for larger version... if you're f*ing nuts)

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It didn't have any comments or context with it.  Of course, uncontrollable vomiting ensued and I had to contact my old psychiatrist from like 10 years ago when I was having that issue with violent and uncontrollable bed-wetting... but that's a whole other story.  Er... right... so, anyway, in my struggle to come up with some justification for this picture, I had two ideas: 1) This is certainly one dandy fellow, like an aristocrat from olden times and 2) From the way he's pointing that pistol he must be holding his wang for ransom.  I'm figuring all the other ammo is to show he means business.  And the guitars... well, you gotta be ready to rock.  No matter what.  I mean, I pinched a gonad when I sat down too fast on a hardwood chair once but I was still able to get out a few choruses of "Back In Black."  

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If anyone else has any theories about this hairy individual please leave them in the comments section.  Remember to be careful out there Buckos - any of us makes a false move and this dude is going to fill his pecker full of lead!  Criminey!

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THE 48 LAWS OF POWER - PART 4

I don't know about you guys but the need to crush those around me seems to tug at my heart like an Atlantic City whore.  In this exciting episode of "The 48 Laws of Power" our leader, Robert Green, touches on the art of timing, the beauty of revenge, and the dangers of the free lunch.  If you're like me you'll try to use these nifty little tips together.  Like last week when I showed up at an ex-girlfriends' at 4:oo am, pee'd on her windshield, and raided her fridge.  Funny thing though - she'd moved since we were dating.  Apologies to Mr. Bing Shoefelt and his lovely wife Joan.

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TELEMARKETER PRANK CALL.

Question: ever try to have someone sell you life insurance while you're on the crapper?  Me either.  But I did once try to fill out a DMV form while taking a dump.  Oh... it was a high-risk maneuver alright but, when you got a wang like mine, you're used to living with danger Buckos.  Now, let's get our poopin' on! 

PS - The guy in the call is comedian Tom Mabe.  He's got whole cd's full of this stuff.

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