LAST MINUTES WITH ODEN

CHRIST, WHAT DOES A RUBBER FIST HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING...?!?

Hey, happy summertime Bitches! I don't know about you, but this is the time of year I try to keep the secret missions protecting National security to a minimum; and just enjoy a delicious martini on the beaches of Monte Carlo while I soak my balls in cocoa butter. You guys are probably doing some similar stuff. If not, you should. I mean, now is the time of year to be adventurous. Seriously. Just try random, crazy stuff to make the most of this beautiful weather. For example, last week I just crapped my pants. On purpose. I was walking out of the grocery store and thought, 'I'm gonna shit myself and see what happens.' Know what? It did lead to a fun adventure... but I'm gonna have to clear some stuff with my lawyers before I'm able to tell the story. Stay tuned...

More shit that makes me wanna strangle George Lucas

If you click here you'll never get the next 30 minutes back.

Pffft... I already knew about 20-30% of this stuff anyway...

The phone number is (310) 358-1703.

In my Ninja Army, this dude would be a General.

Where was all this good advice when I was thirtyse.... uh.... fourteen?

These are standard issue when you join Awesome.

Ninja Army. General #2.

I wish I had known about this a week before Father's Day.

Dinner with the President.

HI FIVES, LIGHT SABERS, AND REALLY REALLY WHITE PEOPLE

Whew! The last two weeks have been nuts man. I mean literally nuts: I had a vasectomy; and went on a tour of the Blue Diamond Almond plant in Sacramento, California. Same day too... so what now? Everyone has their own idea of what constitutes a vacation. Anyway, lots of coolness floating through the ether since I posted last: the utter destruction of the Gulf of Mexico, Star Wars, bacon, white people, alternative energy, and hi-fives. Jesus Christ... I can barely wrap my mind around all this shit.

Welcome to real life everybody.

Remember the horror of Star Wars I, II, and III? Here's four minutes that make me silently weep at what could have been....

Oh yeah, it's happening.

A fun little graphic to contemplate (while BP dumps 1 trillion gallons of oil into the Gulf daily)

I haven't been this speechless since I mistook that string of pearls for anal beads...

As advertised.

THAT'S JUST F-ING GREAT

WHOA, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE...???

Two weeks. That's how long it's been since my last entry. Now, I'm sure most of you have been worried sick as to my whereabouts and well-being; but, as usual, I can't get into specifics. I can report that the oil leak in the Gulf will soon be completely under control; and that China's recent support of European currency will continue to have a soothing effect on world markets. Now, on to more important issues. The last few weeks on these here intertubes have yielded a wealth of information ranging from the smoking habits of toddlers to fun new sex positions. I'm sure those two things are related somehow but I'm so high right now I can't figure it out.... little help.... little help..

Weekend's here - freak her shit out with the Pterodactyl

I'm sure this will have zero negative effect on cognitive development

I'm white and this sounds 1000% right to me

Discount drugs. Yes.

A little tip for BP

Awesome animation

Someone clone this dude because we need him in every elected position ever invented

Expand your motherf*cking mind Craphead

POTPOURRI FROM HELL

In the last few days I've collected a bunch of random crap that could all be their own post; but instead of stringing you bitches along I thought I'd just say 'f*ck it' and put them all up at once. Just to make it frigging fun, I'm going to be a little vague with labeling them. My clever innuendo and deft wit-ittude should make it way more fun and enjoyable. I'm so excited I'm in the process of crapping my pants.

Lady Gaga can suck it.

This is so fucked up it's cool.

Something for the ladies.

The next candidate to be drafted into my ninja army.

I fancy myself a "leg up" man. And you?

Pure awesomeness.

PS - Meat Loaf has a new album out this week called "Hang Cool Teddy Bear." Long live the Loaf.

FIRST SANTA CLAUS, NOW THIS...

Remember how it was to find out that Santa Claus isn't real. Well, get ready for deja-vu Bitches...

THE COOLEST GUYS IN THE WORLD

At any given time, I'm usually considered one of the coolest people in the immediate - if not extended - area. A few years ago there was a rare occasion where my karate wasn't the strongest around. It happened when... well... let's just say burritos and hot tubs don't mix. But that was like 15 years ago. Anyway, I ran across this video a few days ago which has some dudes being way cooler than I've been recently. And since it's captured on tape I guess I'm permanently #2 cool. These guys are now the official "coolest guys in the world." That's only until someone else does something even cooler and puts it on video. I'm not a big fan of being videotaped myself (I'm like the Indians and am pretty sure that shit steals your soul). BUT, I don't think these characters are going to hold the 'cool guy' title for very long. Why? Well, four words: Larry. King. Is. Single. ... Now what Bitches?

THE RAVEN

Man, is it me or do Sunday's have a tint of melancholy at the end of them; with the big, ugly work week looming just a few hours away. Fortunately, I've come up with a fool-proof formula that helps ease the transition from the sweet, sweet chillaxing that is the weekend to grinding it out for the man for the next five days. First, strip down to your underwear. Then throw on some Eminem. Next, dig into a bag of gummy bears until you're so disgusted that you want to punch yourself in the mouth. ... What does all this have to do with tonight's post? Absolutely nothing. But since I'm the Captain of this little ship I can pretty much do whatever I want. It's kinda like being Jesus except without all the annoying hippies following you around waiting for a hand out or a miracle or some crap like that. Anyway, tonight's feature is a little, independent sci-fi film. I think some studio already picked it up and has paid this random dude like $40 million to stretch it out to ninety minutes... probably in 3D too. It's so exciting it's all I can do to keep from squealing like a 14 year old cheerleader... or something.

THE ONE I LOVE IS GONE

R.E.M. was an annoying band. Self-righteous and sanctimonious come to mind when I think of their front man Michael Stipe. Rage Against The Machine, on the other hand, was ahead-of-it's-time awesome. If these two bands got in a fight RATM would've absolutely beat down R.E.M. like the sissies that they were. So it only makes sense that if you mix the two bands together the result is Rage's total awesomeness overwhelming R.E.M.'s pansy beats. It's nice that things in life sometimes work out the way they should, for the love of the sweet baby Jesus...

TIME TO OPEN YOUR HEARTS YOU MANIACS

The Bug has been elusive this week. He'd mentioned something about a mission involving tossing salads but was otherwise woefully short on details. But that's ok because it's not important how he gets his insight onto these enigmatic affairs of the heart; it's only important that he shares them with us - his lambs of love, if you will. So put up yer nickels kids, here's some springtime birds-and-bees advice from Uncle Junebug.

When is it cool to blow smoke in a woman's face?

and

Sometimes I spritz my balls with cologne before a big date. Cool? Premature? Creepy?

What kind of pubic hair-cut do men prefer?

Anal beads: friend or foe?

I'm thinking about sticking my nuts up some chick's ass. Good idea?

I THINK I HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE

I'm not really a dog person. They're great animals, don't get me wrong. I'm just a selfish bastard and couldn't be bothered to go for walks, scoop poops, or any of the other indignities that come with caring for them. But if you are one of those people then great. You're a better person than I am. I can see how some people get attached to their dogs though. Especially the ones that carry the barrel filled with whiskey around their neck. Or any of those dogs in the painting playing poker. They seem cooler than shit. Or Lassie. ... Or Scooby Doo. ... Or Rin Tin Tin. I guess I'm a big fan of dogs who get shit done. Anyway, dog lover or not, this little movie should tear your heart out of your ass. Enjoy!

Last Minutes with ODEN from phos pictures on Vimeo.

JUNEBUG'S BACK... and more retards

No, that's not a picture of the Junebug. That's Abby from "Dear Abby" fame. The Junebug does look a little like her though... the shifty eyes. Anyway, it's time for another installment of Junebug answering your love questions. It's been a few weeks since we've done this so I imagine all you lovelorn fuckers out there have a ton of romantic issues that need attention, like hemorrhoids in polyester pants on a hot summer day. Get the picture? SO, post your hunka hunka burnin' love quandaries in the comments section of this post and we'll be back in a few days with Junebug's sage advice. ... In other news, I had a reader make an offhand comment about mashing-up my last two posts (the National Anthem and retards). Since I'm in the business of making dreams come true, here ya go - a retard singing the National Anthem. Enjoy! Or, if you speak fluent retard-ese: Enjdootdootdootdaoy! (PS - I don't feel so bad about my going to hell for all the retard humor lately because I know each and every one of you will watch this video).

WILL EVERYONE PLEASE RISE...

I'll admit it. I'm a sucker for a good singing of our National Anthem. I've posted renditions before (here and here) but here's another awesome version, sung by a seven year old girl. I'm kinda hoping this partially redeems me for the retard post from yesterday, even though I still think it's highly goddam hilarious.

ANGRY RETARDS ON A SATURDAY NIGHT

Hey. It's Saturday. I'm tired. And I don't really care who I might offend. I mean, I'm usually sensitive as hell... charming too. Just ask my mother. This being said, I'm posting a funny picture of an angry retard and a crazy mash-up song of Lady Gaga and Metallica. Why? Because irate retards are funny and some mash-ups are cool. There. I said it. Yeah, I'm going to hell - especially if God is a big, fat, googley-eyed retard. Never thought of that, did ya?

***

PS - If you're into the whole mash-up thing, follow "Mixes & Mashups" on Facebook. Some dude cranks out about four a day, all of which you can download. No, no thanks are necessary. Your undying devotion is more than enough.

A CALL TO ARMS

It's time to mobilize the WTCCTR Army (that's you) for a mission of trivial proportions. The local paper here is hosting an on-line "Best Of..." poll for local goods and services; and, you guessed it, one of the categories is "Favorite Local Website." Well, I wanna pull off the upset. Right now the front runner is probably fridaypuppy.com, which features dogs, people taking walks, recipes, and other normal random bland crapola which makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I'd like to usurp the title from fridaypuppy and let people know that sometimes, just sometimes, monkey porn, nirvana covers and midget lesbianism win out over orzo recipes and free t-shirts. So lace up your jack boots - here's your assignment:

1. go to THIS page and scroll half-way down the page.

2. click the box that says "Vote for Capital Region's Best."

3. you DON'T have to answer every question... skip forward until the progress bar at the top is at 75% complete.

4. you should be on the section that asks for your favorite local website.

5. enter this web address: WWW.WTCCTR.COM

6. tell a friend to repeat steps 1-5. I want to kill this thing.

I'll let you know the results as they become available. Listen... we pull this off... well, let me just say... the beer will flow like wine while spunky little nymphs cup our balls and whisper where we can find buried treasure. In the meantime, here's your combat pay for today.

WTCCTR evidence of awesome exhibit #1

WTCCTR evidence of awesome exhibit #2

WTCCTR evidence of awesome exhibit #3

THE GIFT

So I stumbled across this gnarly little short film today that was pretty righteous. Most of the time these short films that litter the internet are beyond awful; and I rarely get past the first five seconds. The web site funnyordie.com is like this. Everything they do is so un-funny it actually has the opposite of it's intended effect; and I'll walk away so aggravated that I'll have to call a complete stranger and say, "Hey, the shit is in the bag," and hang up, just to relieve some tension ... Anyway, back to this flick. It has something to do with robots and unicorns and some little brat by the river but beyond that your guess is as good as mine. It's still pretty spiffy. Trust me. I'm a doctor.

FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.... remember these?

Heyde Ho chicken fans! So many of you are probably thinking, 'Well, it's about friggin' time. Your last post was a week ago!' Yup. It was. And the reason it was is due to the fact that the internet is becoming like cable tv - a billion channels and nothing on. There hasn't been one gosh golly dang interesting or unique thing on this series of tubes we call the internet all week. It's all been Tiger Woods and a bunch of geeky shit (e.g., iPad shit, why it's o.k. for vegans to eat oysters, etc.). I'm talking total bullshit. And, trust me, I looked. Anyways, a buddy of mine suggested I resurrect the "Beer, Babe, and a Tune" post that I used to do every Friday. All the international recognition and acclaim doesn't mean I'm not still in touch with the people. So here goes.

Chips ahoy boys! This is Charlie Christine. There wasn't much information on her but here's her web page anyway. So if she doesn't care then I guess I don't care. And I really don't. Unless it has to do with her skills as a french maid; I really, really don't give two craps what her favorite flavor of ice cream in high school was.

Tonight I had a few Sam Adams Black Lager's. It's a little bit heavy but had a nice flavor that really goes down good while showering. Just trust me on this. Beer Advocate rates the suds as a B+ ... "very good." Yeah, ok. Very good. I love it when a plan comes together.

The Dropkick Murphys are a Celtic punk/hardcore band from Quincy, Massassachussets. I'm putting their tune up tonight because I felt like hearing some bagpipes again. I'm still in the St. Patrick's day mode I suppose; and bagpipes are my cowbell - more bagpipes bitches!

As usual, I'll go the extra mile for you maniacs and deliver a little bonus pic of tonight's babe. What now wiseguy?

THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE

Easter is almost here so I'm celebrating the resurrection of Jesus with a movie preview. But not just any movie. It's a preview for a horror flick called "The Human Centipede," which is about a gnarly doctor who surgically attaches people together in a chain - mouth to anus (or asshole, for those of you non-aristocrats out there). I've been telling people about this movie for a few months but everyone thinks I'm making it up; so here's video proof I haven't gone completely batshit insane. Fingers crossed they're going to release a 3D version.

SMELLS LIKE... FRIGGIN' AWESOME

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Kurt Cobain was a genius. I base this on the fact that he wrote the song "Smells Like Teen Spirit." And his genius isn't because it's a generation-defining song. He's a genius because you can mix that beat and guitar riff with anything and make it sound good. So, today, when I came across another mash-up of the song - this time with Timbaland - I decided to go through my music files just to check on something; and I found that I've become quite the collector of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" covers, mash-ups, and techno infusions. Seventeen different versions to be exact. That's a lot of Teen Spirit. I mean, the last time I had this much teen spirit I ruined a perfectly good pair of underwear and had three days after-school detention. But, hey, that's rock 'n roll.

7 Nation Teen Spirit - White Stripes vs. Nirvana.... so it's gay vs. cool.

Punk cover by Blanks77... kinda ass smokin.

Techno version by Mighty Mike. You heard me.

Another techno joint: Daft Punk vs. Nirvana... I'm up for a rave...

Mash-up with Leona Lewis' "Bleeding Love"... proves my theory.

Mash-up with Rick Ashley. Never gonna... be cooler than this.

Warp Brothers version. The one I listen to when I time travel.

A cover by .... uhh... I have no idea who.

"The Floor Version." .... ookay.

That hack Fatboy Slim takes a shot at it. Dope.

Cover by Flyleaf. Just ok.

The vagina house dub remix. Sooo... Smells Like Vagina?

Wild cherry mash-up. Cool.

More techno but with a Rob Halford flair. Thumbs up.

Cover version by Mig Ayesa. Short and sweet.

Smells like Timbaland!

Type O Negative live cover. This is nuts.

DRUNK HISTORY

Everyone likes history. Everyone likes being shit-assed drunk. So, mix the two together and you've got yourself a really fun learning experience. And because the awesomeness of WTCCTR is so intense that it eminates from my ball pouch, tonight's feature is exactly that - Drunk History! How it works is that some dude gets drunk and his buddies have him explain an historical event while the cameras roll. It's a whole series on YouTube; and they usually get some pretty high-calibur actors to do the dramatizations. For example, in the clip below about Nicola Tesla, Crispin Glover plays Thomas Edison and John C. Reilly is Tesla himself. Marty McFly's dad and Cal Naughton Jr. aren't bad 'get's' for some five minute film featuring a drunk dude. Oh, and trust me... the drunk guy is the main attraction. If you watch it all the way through good old Duncan seems to get more and more inebriated as the clip goes on - and then goes out with an awesome pineapple-flavored bang. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go smoke a spliff and do math. I love you.

WHAT'S UP DOC?

I don't know how many of you out there caught the news, but a tucked-away article on the internets today said that our Federal government passed some kind of health care legislation yesterday. Funny how these thinks kinda sneak up on you. .... Yeah. There seems to be a lot of people yelling and screaming at each other who don't have any idea what they're yelling and screaming about. But you can't blame them. I barely had time to read the ten questions on my census form never mind over two thousand pages of legal-e's explaining health care reform. The most useful thing I've found that even begins to explain where and how much my next prostate exam is going to be is from the New York Times. Click after the picture of the hot nurse to check it out.

How health care reform affects you .

Uhhh... just for the record, I don't think she's a real nurse... but it's fun to pretend sometimes. ... SO, now that the whole health care debate is over and done with; and we're not going to hear another news story or debate about it because the whole issue is pretty much settled - I thought I'd put an exclamation point on the past year's display of legislative efficiency, bipartisanship and mutual respect with a video of a guy getting punched in the face. I think everyone in government should take two of these and call me in the morning. Stay regular.

F*CKED IN THE FANDANGO

Fandango is a web site and iPhone application that lets you order movie tickets from wherever you are and then pick them up at the theater. Ok, great. So about a year ago I order tickets using their service only to find out later that they add on an additional charge of about $1 per ticket. So since that was like having a turd shoved in my face I resolved not to use them again. Fast forward to this week. A weird charge shows up on my credit card for "Reservation Rewards" in the amount of $12.00. I usually don't question these type of service fees because my credit card company bills my card fees under "Credit Rewards" or "Refund Rewards"... stuff like that... so I figured that's what it was. But I thought I'd call just to make sure. After a wicked journey through the phone tree from hell I got Habib; and he and I figured out that it wasn't a charge from them. But, it was a monthly charge coming from somewhere and it's been going on monthly for about a year. (You see where this is going right?) Hmmm... I thought that was odd. The nice Indian gave me the phone number of the company charging me for "Reservation Rewards." I call and, sure enough, it's Fandango. When I used them a year ago they tacked on a $12 monthly fee for ABSOLUTELY NOTHING and kept it going for a year! If I hadn't caught it by chance a few days ago they'd still be billing me for who knows how long. Oh, and they decided to cleverly disguise it as one of my regular credit card fees. ... The moral of the story? DON'T FUCKING USE FUCKING FANDANGO BECAUSE THEY'RE A BUNCH OF FUCKING ASSHOLE FUCKING FUCKS WHO WILL RIP YOU OFF ON EACH MOVIE TICKET PURCHASE AND THEN STICK THEIR CROOKED DILDO UP YOUR ASS FOR A YEAR AND SUCK OUT $136 WITHOUT YOU KNOWING IT!!! ... ahem... In conclusion, I'd like to bring a little closure to my relationship with Fandango with a sweet little tune from Lilly Allen. Enjoy. ... Unless you work for Fandango or are affiliated with them in any way, in which case I hope you die by fire. Shalom.

THE DAY OF ST. PATRICK

Dia duit you filthy maniacs. That's traditional Irish speak for "God to you you filthy maniacs." Because that's how we roll here at WTCCTR on this holy holy day honoring good old St. Patrick - who brought Christianity to Ireland and pretty much made beer drinking an international holiday. I mean, the Christianity thing is ok but any dude who gets your boss to give you the day off so you can swill black beers with enough calories to kill an elephant ... now that's a miracle worker. So grab a glass lads and tip your cup to the man of the hour. Meanwhile, I'll round out this holiday with some bagpipes and a hot Irish chick... a little combo I like to call 'pipes and poon'. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to stick a shamrock up my nose and slap myself silly with a wet cabbage leaf.

TIME FOR A DUB

We haven't done one of these in a while. This is a recent bit from Jabooody Dubs but here's my question: how is Billy Mays still doing info-mercials? I mean, the dude died almost a year ago. So what's the deal?? Is someone pulling a "Weekend At Bernies" with his corpse? If they are they're doing a spiffy job because he looks great for having croaked last June. I guess that when all your nourishment comes from OxyClean and cocaine some alchemical process takes over to keep your tissues from rotting. ... Ok, that settles it... I'm going to seal up all my holes with Mighty Putty and wrap myself in Zorbees just to see what the f*ck is up. Hey, you never know. I once had an uncle who swallowed a dime and, afterwards, was able to stick spoons to his chest. True story.

THE WRAITH

My inbox is constantly filled with emails from people asking what they can do for me, how they can send money to me, the random person offering up their body; or things to otherwise ingratiate themselves to me and further the WTCCTR cause. Normally my magnanimous nature prohibits me from accepting such offers but I just saw a video for the new limited edition Confederate Wraith and... well... SOMEONE GET ME THIS F*CKING BIKE!!! Now, don't let the price tag deter you. I promise that seeing the joy it brings to my heart will be worth every penny. In fact, I pledge to whisper 95,000 'thank you's for every dollar spent on this sweet little mama cita... as I'm riding around looking f*cking awesome.

I GOT NOTHIN

Unfortunately, Sunday nights are a low energy period in the Universe when the weight of the work week sucks at your nuts and you really can't feel the joy that would usually cup your sack like a warm washcloth. So, basically, what I'm trying to say is that I got nothin' for you tonight. A few lame photos I've collected that scored about a 4 out of 10 on my amusing scale. Yeah, hopefully things pick up this week. St. Patrick's Day is coming up quick so maybe that will turn things around. I think I'm going to go have a bowl of Lucky Charms right now... just to get the positive vibe going. Serious man. I'm the real deal.

BUG'S BACK

Ok, I know you've been waiting with bated breath all week to hear Junebug's responses to your questions of love; so today is your money shot. I would have had them posted yesterday but I ended up getting into it with a bottle of triple distilled Smirnoff vodka, and the Smirnoff won. Boy did it win. Anyway, let's get ready for love.

I scream my head off when I'm having an orgasm. My girlfriend hates it and doesn't want me to do it anymore, but it intensifies my orgasm a lot and I don't want to stop. What about that?

My girlfriend doesn't enjoy "The Shocker." How can I convince her that taking the a-train is fun and enjoyable for all riders?

What do you do if your woman be steppin' out on you?

FIRE

Tonight's post really isn't relevant to anything except I've been watching a lot of these videos lately and thought I'd share, because I'm a goddam swell dude. There's some cool video mixed in with the slide show. Typically what I do - and my suggestion - is to watch this video three or four times then go driving around your neighborhood screaming out the window and punching the roof with both fists while steering with your knees. It feels good and your neighbors will thank you. Maybe not right away but they will when they realize your naked from the waist down. Stay strong.

PS - remember to keep posting your love questions to the Junebug this week.

MORE LOVE ADVICE... JUNEBUG STYLE

The Junebug post from a few weeks ago was mildly successful so we're back baby! The slightly dystonic, middle-aged, born again virgin with a WoW account plays the Mav to your Goose in affairs of the heart. I thought I'd lead in to the question portion of our show with a recent poll done by the highly reputable onepoll.com; which asked women what qualities their perfect man would have. I'll spare you the polling methodology and go right to the results. Here's the perfect man according to women:

- a guy with stubble or some kind of facial hair

- a slightly geeky personality

- has a hairy chest

- someone who reads and who cries at chick flicks

- grey hair, glasses, and is a big fan of a sports team

- "soft and cuddly" versus "toned and muscly"

- someone with flaws over a dude who is "perfect"

Ok all you Lonley Hearts, the time has come pony up to the bar of broken love with your questions, submit them in the comment section, and Junebug will be back later this week with his audio replies. ... Hey, know what? I just realized that Junebug pretty much has every one of those qualities in that list up there. ... Huh... I might have just out-sarcastic-ed myself.

LET'S LIVE TO 100?

Life is pretty awesome. Working, paying bills, dealing with f-holes who get sadistic pleasure out of jerking off your day, the random hemorrhoid... pfft... why wouldn't you want to live as long as possible? That's why I'm featuring an info-graphic tonight on how to live to be 100. Pretty motivating stuff though I question the veracity of some of the "tips" they give. Like eating nuts and flossing. That sounds a little witch-doctor-ey to me. I mean, you just gotta use some common sense too. I guess I'm not too trusting of the medical profession ever since I had that optometrist who made me take my pants off when he was fitting me for eye glasses. Though I have to admit: those bastards fit like a charm.

(Click the image if you want to actually read it)