Saturday, August 30, 2008

TOP 3 SCENES FROM THE MOVIE "OLD SCHOOL"

There are some movies you see and know they are instant classics the minute you walk out of the theater.  "Old School" is one of those movies.  Will Farrell and Vince Vaughn can deliver a comedic line better than anyone, and this flick was full of great lines.  Plus the sight gags were pretty boner-riffic.  It was a gargantuan task trying to pick out the top 3 scenes from the movie but I spent almost 1/4 of an hour coming up with this list... because I love you fantastic bastards like a $2 whore loves a good steak dinner.  Ok, pencils down Bitches.

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Vince Vaughn says what every Best Man would say standing up there if any of them had a hair on their ass.  Still, the wedding singer is the real star in this clip.


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Apologies for the German subtitles.  I have this same reaction every time I crack a fresh beer.  So good.

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If you don't know what the word "sublime" means, look it up.  Because this scene is that.




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Friday, August 29, 2008

FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Sweet Mother Mary and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - it's Friday!  Start your boners!
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This is Melissa Marie.  I tried to find a bio on this chick and came up with zip.  Judging from the picture I'd say she's an intellectual of Scottish descent.  And good for her... the Scots are a proud people and education is important.  I mean, this picture says to me, 'Hey kids, stay in school.'  And then I think, I wonder if that rumor about not wearing anything under the kilt-thing is true?  Ohpleasegodyes.  Ohpleasegodyes.  More pics of her here.
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I'm going sentimental on your ass tonight.  Schaefer beer is what my Grandfather used to drink when we were doing yard work.  I can't quite remember but it might actually be the first beer I ever had.  So maybe the sentimentality taints my taste buds but this $3/six-pack brew is goddam delicious.  It's light, flavorful, and has a lot of carbonation; and it all works well together.  Even Beer Advocate (BA) says it's a "great beer for quenching thirst on a hot day."  So my grandpa had it right.  I always knew he was the OG.  BA's official rating is a C- ... "not worthy."  But BA is run by a bunch of buck-toothed BOCES anyways.  Good luck finding Schaefer though.  I think the only ones still around are waaaayyy past their "born on" dates.
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Tonight's tune is "Flawless" by Twin Method.  They're a metal band from Liverpool, England.  And, unlike the featured bands from the past 4 weeks, they're not a Christian rock band!  I mean, look at these bastards.  Nothing Christian about these guys.  In fact, they look like they'd beat up your local Christian and record it as a lead-in for their next single.  So suck on that Jesus!
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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

THE PRESIDENT WITH NO EXPERIENCE.

The Democratic National Convention is going on this week.  Even though I've been trying to avoid it, it's hard not to see highlights on the news.  I try to avoid both conventions for the same reason I avoid commercials for regular, everyday products: I hate people trying to sell me shit.  I don't want to own a donkey or an elephant.  Still, I might try and catch some of Ron Paul's "convention" being held on the Tuesday, September 2nd.  Wait... what am I saying...? Paul advocates abolishing the federal income tax and the IRS - I'd follow that glorious bastard into the center of the Sun!

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There's been a lot of talk this week about "experience."  Who has it.  Who doesn't.  How much.  What kind. It seems funny to me that this is even an issue since the Founders of our country never intended for politics to be a career.  Politics was supposed to be a temp job for a chosen few who, after serving, were expected to return to farming, or blacksmithing, or wig-powdering, or tea-bagging... or whateverthehell kind of mundane job they were trained to do.  Their thinking was that if you're a politician for too long you lose touch with the people you're trying to represent.  Of course, this was the idea back when politics had a hint of common sense.  So, when some talking head on tv starts questioning a politician's "experience" I tend to think of this ex-President - who didn't have an experience-pot to piss in when he showed up for work at The White House.  He still managed to do a pretty good job though.
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PS- For those of you who think I'm comparing Obama to Lincoln it's also important to note that - like Bush - Lincoln was the architect and driving force behind a war that was incredibly unpopular at the time (but worked out pretty good for everyone, looking back).  And Lincoln's approval ratings when he was in office make Georgie W. seem like the most popular dude in the history of your mother.  


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Tuesday, August 26, 2008

TITS, FLAMING SHOTS, AND ONE FUNKY MIDGET.

Howdy Ho Bitches.  It's Tuesday.  The second most depressing day of the week.  So in the spirit of trying to liven it up a little I thought I'd throw some nifty shit at you... stuff that usually puts a little smile on my face and a stiffy in my pantalones.  All the items featured tonight are in my top 5 most awesome-est things ever in the history of my awesome life.  Ok, let's roll.
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I had the privilege of rocking a bronsky once.  It was the best seven minutes of my life.  It wouldn't have been nearly that long but my freshman roommate was a sound sleeper.  Pete, if you're reading this, you're still the man, you fat bastard.
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Now that's how you do a flaming shot - sip the fucker.
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And for the grand finale I got my favoritest thing of all: one funky-assed midget.  Seriously, this dude turns it out!  Everyone else in the room gets SERVED just by being in this dudes presence.  Strut little brown dude!  Strut on!


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Monday, August 25, 2008

MAKE YOUR OWN SMOKE-ASSIN' ENERGY DRINK.


Shazam!  Tonight we're talking energy.  I've done extensive "research" on how to super-power your mind and energy levels on little to no sleep.  I've sampled a million energy drinks, popped some funky looking pills, paid chemists to strong-arm some industry insiders, and even once had chicken feathers rubbed all up in my crotch-al region (that didn't give me a lot of energy but some other weird stuff happened).  Anyway, I've boiled mental and physical energy down to a few ingredients that you can buy and mix yourselves - they'll work better than any energy drink on the market and save you a ton of money.  I'll even tell you how to best mix the s*it for the best taste.  Goddam I must love you maniacs.

**NOTE** All dosages below (mg) are to be used in 1 drink.  And DO NOT drink more than 1x/day MAXIMUM... unless you like emergency rooms.

1.  Start with CAFFEINE.  The MAIN ingredient.  No matter what the beverage companies tell you, caffeine is the main ingredient that gives you a physical energy kick.  A lot of the other ingredients are just marketing.  Maximum amount of caffeine per beverage is 400mg.  Any more than that and you're heading for a nice cardiac arrhythmia.

2.  The supporting cast:
TAURINE - improves your mental processing - 800mg max.

B-COMPLEX VITAMINS - you can buy this in a powdered form.  Take the recommended dosage for each drink mix.  Supports a gazillion brain functions.

GINSENG - an oldie but a goodie.  Buy the high quality powdered with 80% ginsenosides.  Shit reduces fatigue and improves abstract thinking - 200mg

VINPOCETINE - viagara for the brain... do I need to say more? - 10mg

CREATINE - yeah, creatine.  Increases blood flow to your muscles AND your noggin.  - 500mg max.
3.  Mix any of the following juices together in a large plastic cup: acai, pomegranate, blueberries, bananas.  All support brain function and/or have a TON of antioxidants.  Then put in about 1/2 cup of ice.  Throw in the caffeine and other ingredients.  Mix with one of these nifty hand mixers.
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Viola!  There you have it - the most smoke-assin' energy drink you'll ever have.  I'd start with lower amounts of all the ingredients above to get your body used to them; and play around with the amounts to see what works best.  You can get almost all the ingredients pretty cheaply online at Bulk Nutrition.  And if you really want to go over the top, buy some fish oil supplements to take along with it.  Fish oil jacks up blood flow to the brain and brain function overall - but can't be mixed.  Disclaimer: don't expect this whole concoction to taste like Red Bull.  It's going to taste ok at best but it'll be the most effective energy drink you've ever had.
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So that's it kids.  Remember to be careful with this stuff.  I mean, it is your brain you're messing around with for chrissakes.  Ok, stay strong.
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Saturday, August 23, 2008

ANDY MCKEE HAS SKILLS.

I tried to play a kazoo once when I was a kid.  It was a show-and-tell.  I played a few notes and felt pretty good until I realized I'd hit the brown note... and my entire 2nd grade class had just shit their pants.  So, standing in the hallway for every show-and-tell for the rest of the year, I had a lot of time to think.  I came to the simple conclusion that I didn't have any musical talent.  But the good thing that came out of it was that I now am able to tell when people have a lot of musical talent.  It's when I watch them play and think to myself, 'That doesn't look that hard... I think I could do that;' knowing damn well what happens when I get around instruments.  Andy McKee makes me feel that way.  I featured him once before in my Guitar Solo's post.  Here's another shot at him.  Poop strong Bitches.

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