YEAH, SHEAR THAT ASS.. er... SHEEP!

New year is almost here and what better way to get ready for it than with a little sheep shearing. Funny thing, I feel the same way the sheep in the video does, except it happens to me when I when I watch my car's oil being changed. So far I've been banned from 4 Jiffy Lubes, beaten up twice, and offered a free tire rotation. Man, there are some weird people out there.

LET'S HOOP IT UP!

Hey, happy post-Coitus.... er... Christmas everyone! There's nothing I like better following a raucous Christmas filled with huffing gasoline and playing 'hide the sausage' than hooping it up. So, tonight, I'm featuring a simple flash game where you're shooting baskets against about 1000 other people on-line and in real time. You're probably thinking, Pfft... big deal. Hm. Ok, wiseguy. I'll bet you all your Christmas fruitcake that if you play this game twice you'll wind up sucked to your computer screen for the next hour... at least. I think the developer somehow figured out how to embed a cocaine derivative in the code. I mean, so far I've played the stupid thing about 8 days straight and have woken up more than a few times after a black out and with my belt cinched down around my arm. That'll raise a flash game's rating from 'good' to 'super-nifty' in my book. For real Holmes.

click here for Basketball

JUMPING TO YOUR DEATH... IN HD

I'm kinda intrigued by people who skydive, base-jump, bungee jump, or otherwise look death in the face and say, 'Hey bud, let's party.' Even cooler than that is doing it in HD. So this is a video of some guy in Norway with a high-def camera strapped to his head jumping off a mountain. Well, I'm guessing it's a mountain. Judging from the sheer height and the terrain it looks like their jumping off the surface of the freaking moon for chrissakes! It's pretty spectacular to watch. I mean, when a video makes you ruin a perfectly good pair of underwear in the comfort of your own home... now that's saying something. I suggest clicking on the video and watching it in full screen to get the maxium... uhhh... stainage.

I'M TOO DRUNK TO TASTE THIS CHICKEN

It's a funny thing. I thought the movie "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" wasn't that great, as a whole; but when I watch individual scenes I think it rates right up there with "Citizen Kane" for best movie of all time. It's got this kind of reverse-synergy going on. I've featured some of the PSA's from the movie in previous posts (here) and... well... what can you say. Funny is funny man. I think I find it so humorous because there are so many parallels between the movie and my own life: heroic race car driver with loyal yet dumb-witted side-kick overcome adversity to uphold American greatness. ... Actually, that isn't anything like my life. ... Except for the side-kick. I had a side-kick once. Then it kind of lost it's novelty when he got a restraining order. Anyway, the clip below has one of the best lines of dialogue from a film since Casablanca. Yeah, I'm saying it.

THE EDGE OF TIME

Whoa. It's been awhile. I've been down in our 51st state, Puerto Rico, taking out a drug smuggling ring. It's kind of a tradition with me. Every Christmas I volunteer my time to the FBI to help them crack a tough case. Oh, I know it's thankless but they let me carry a gun; and I usually get to meet with the President afterwards... so it's all Cool and The Gang. Anyways, I thought I'd post this little flick that takes you an a trip from Planet Earth to the edge of the known Universe, and back again. I don't know how anyone could watch something like this and insist we're the only life out there. I mean, I'm not gonna try and talk anyone into believing other life exists in the Universe. But let's just say that a flash of bright light and one anal probe later has made me a believer.

PS - I suggest clicking on the video and watching it in full screen.

FIVE *ADDITIONAL* RANDOM PHOTOS

Mr. ET. I ain't got no time fo' no jibba-jabba when I'm phonin' home... fool!

If you have a lack of infrastructure say 'hooo'

Well, that's one way to look at it.

He put that truck up there... using only his chest hair.

I'll give you 3 guesses... you awesome bitch.

DON'T JERK OFF TO THIS

A recent study done by some Canadian researchers found that all men look at porn. Not 99% of men. ALL men. 100% of them. So, it's pretty obvious why men watch porn. I mean, that's not a mystery. What's funny is that, faced with an absence of porn, men will turn just about anything into rub out material. It's biological or something. Seriously. One time in boy scouts, after 2 weeks in the woods, I went after my junk like a bare knuckle boxer goes after a bartender because I liked the sexy curve of the handle on my stew pot. To this day I'll get a little butterfly in my stomach when I see a nice piece of cookware. Ahhh, memories. ... Uhhh... you'll have to excuse me a moment ::tear::

BLACK SUPREMACISTS?

We've all seen those white supremacists on cable tv, carrying their swastika flags and chanting "white power." They'd be entertaining if they weren't so stupid... and armed. As it is, they're just annoying. But I figured that was pretty much the end of it. Ok, some dumb white people with no cable tv decided black people done did them wrong; so they're going to go walk around yelling at everyone. Fine. End of story. Right? Nope. Just like matter has it's anti-matter; or 'up' has 'down' - now there are some black people, just as dumb and bored as the white supremacists, who decided to be black supremacists. What's a black supremacist, you ask? I've got the answer for you right here. You can thank me later.

AN INTERVIEW WITH SASHA GREY

Sasha Grey is a porn actress who seems to be breaking into the mainstream. She recently did an interview to promote her new, non-porn film called "The Girlfriend Experience," directed by Steven Soderberg (the guy who directed "Ocean's Eleven"). Anyway, it's always interesting to hear porn stars give normal interviews about stuff; they always seem to come across as pretty well adjusted and normal. I guess I'm expecting them to rip their clothes off midway through the interview and start jamming stuff into their orifices. So when that doesn't happen I'm a little bit surprised. The reality is that they're probably so whacked out on prozac, cocaine, and muscle relaxers they don't know which friggin' end is up. I mean, who the hell are we kidding. You have to have some kind of major screw loose to be cramming some stranger's filthy genitals into your mouth and anus on camera. Watching porn is a different story however. You can watch thousands upon thousands of hours of porn and still be completely normal. Trust me on this one.

I'M GLAD WE HAVE TIME FOR THIS BULLSHIT

Once in a while I'll see a news story that highlights why things are so f-ed in the "a" in America, and the world in general. This week, I found two articles like that. The first one is here. It's about Goldman Sach's. One of those pinky in the air Wall Street banks that got TEN BILLION DOLLARS in bailout money... YOUR money. Yeah, well, the interest rate for that cash has been dropped to 1%. I don't know about you, but none of my loans have a 1% interest rate. Oh, yeah, did I mention that Goldman Sachs paid out $10.9 billion in employee compensation and benefits last year. Funny how they couldn't pay off more of that loan huh?

The second article, link here, goes into detail about how the United States is handing out millions of dollars - again, YOUR money - to farmers in Afghanistan not to grow poppies for heroin. Yup. Unfuckingbelievalbe. I know. If the government was half as creative in trying to balance the budget as they are in figuring out ways to completely piss away taxpayer money I'm sure there wouldn't be any goddam government debt. ... Criminey.

In other news, the plumber who unclogged my sewer pipe took a few extra minutes to explain the difference between regular solid waste and "shit paper." Thanks Mr. Rooter! ... See, a happy ending! Was that so hard?

HE SHOOTS, HE SCORES!

With Thanksgiving just around the corner I thought it'd be a good time to post some hockey footage because, you know, they go together like... ummm... parachutes and toilet brushes. Anyway, this goalie in the video is kicking ass in warm-ups, when one of his teammates has enough of his awesomeness; and reminds him that he's just the goalie. I mean, the defensive guys on any team always take the backseat to the offensive guys. It's like that in life too kiddies. So as soon as my pinky toe hits the floor in the morning I'm hitting slap shots, throwing touchdowns and swinging for the fences... and that's before I even leave the bathroom. Stay strong.

PROGRAMMING NOTE AND BOSTON VS. HOUSE OF PAIN

A minor programming note tonight, and then we'll test out the toys. Ok, so the programming note is that WTCCTR will now be broadcast to you in crisp, clear, THX sound-quality. Yup. So now all those awesome fart videos and shotgun pranks will be even more ass-blasting. Then, to celebrate the introduction of THX to the site, I'm posting a mash-up tune of Boston and House of Pain. You're on your own after that. Stay strong.

And now....

Boston vs. House of Pain

PISSING AWAY MONEY

Health care. It's a big debate lately. I can't speak for anyone but I think a lot of the anxiety comes in with the cost. Spending money we don't have. To illustrate the point: I don't think there would be much of an issue if we could wave a magic wand and have a Medicare type plan that covered 100% of the US population for free - $0.oo. BUT, The current Senate plan will cost $848 BILLION over 10 years (or $84 BILLION each year). That's a lot of ice packs and gauze pads. At least, I thought that was a lot until I read **this** article on CNN.com the other day. It basically says that last year alone there was $98 BILLION in improper or fraudulent payments made by the US government for health care costs. Ok, so, I'm not a mathologist but wouldn't cutting out the waste, fraud, and abuse in the current system basically pay for every one's health care? We wouldn't even have to cut out all the fraud, just about 85% of it would cover the bill. Wouldn't it be worthwhile/cost-effective to have about 1% of the bailout money go to hiring people who police this type of thing? How about moving some IRS agents to Medicare fraud enforcement? Those bastards will destroy your grandmother for a $20 capital gains tax. For those of you still hanging in there, here's a hot nurse. Stay healthy.

FIVE *MORE* RANDOM PHOTOS

Here are some random photos I found while surfing this wonderful place called the world wide web. Oh, plus I'm playing around with a new font tonight, because I'm a borderline maniac; and that's how I roll on a Saturday night. In fact, right after I'm done with this I'm gonna try and kick myself in the nuts.

The Church of the Immaculate Dirty Harry

Prom photo. Someone is going to regret something in the morning.

Enlarge to enjoy the sarcasm in it's entirety.

Goddam Bill. Ever consider decaf?

Best. Advice. Ever.

DESTROYING THE DRUMS

Hey. Ever see anyone absolutely destroy the drums? If you haven't, you're going to now. Tonight I'm posting a video of Travis Barker setting down the drum track to a tune called "Forever" by a dude called Drake. ... I know, but it's a cool video. The catch is that the song was made about 1000% cooler when it was mashed up with Eminem. Despite the mix-up fanciness, it's still Mr. Barker attacking the drums on the track, and it's awesome. The last time I went at something like that it was all you can eat Swiss Colony Beef Log at Pepperidge Farm.

VETERANS DAY.

So I haven't been around in a while. It's been a crazy few weeks involving international intrigue, malicious espionage, nefarious subterfuge, pancakes made with breast milk, and a wicked case of the chafies. So, anyway, I thought I'd ease back into this with a tribute to all our veterans. Thank you. Without you, retards with a wise mouth like myself, would be one of the first slated for castration in the public square. And that would really f-up my sublime singing voice. **Ahem... Doe - a deer - a female deer...**

CRUSH THE CASTLE

I'm not a huge fan of those on-line flash games. They're kind of like electronic masturbation but without the happy ending... and genitals. But I started playing Crush The Castle a few days ago and haven't stopped since. I'm not going to get into explaining it here. It's pretty easy to figure out. Once you take out the first castle it'll be like time travelling: the next time you become self-aware it'll be two days later and you'll be wallowing in a puddle of your own excrement. Yeah, it's that good. Click below for the link. Pip pip cheerio!

CRUSH THE CASTLE

I THOUGHT WE WERE WAY COOLER THAN THIS

One of my biggest pet-peeves is when America looks stupid. But then I watched this video and realized that I'm swimming against the tide big time in wanting Americans to appear smart and sophisticated to the rest of the world. So I'm just gonna kick back with a pork rind and my blue jean cutoffs and breathe deep the sweet musty odor of mediocrity. Join me won't you? By the way, the music for this video is perfect.

SAMBOOOOOO DEE... OK...?

The Dow is over 10000 this week. Gas in Afghanistan is $400 a gallon. People are too f*cked up to buy their sixers. And there's another cool mash-up of "Smells Like Teen Spirit." But that's not what I'm writing about tonight. Nope. I'm writing about a prank call to a Chinese restaurant, because I have no sense of priority whatsoever; and politically incorrect humor is awesome. Oh, that reminds me... did you hear the one about the Muslim terrorist, the gay priest, and the aborted fetus who were protesting for a public health care option...? Nah, me either. But wouldn't it be awesome if there really was a joke that started like that?

AND YOU'RE NEXT KATO...!

Ok, so this video is all over the internet right now. I usually skip the low hanging fruit but it's mildly amusing. The video is a practical joke on a guy where they make it look like everyone in the room is being shot by a sniper. So that's funny right? I guess so... unless you're the guy who looks like he shits his pants about 1000 times. I don't know what all the anxiety is about. I mean, aren't all adult Japanese males ninjas anyway? Karate chop the bullet bro. Sheesh. By the way, I'm still in the process of building my ninja army. If you know any good ones send 'em my way. Hiya!

HOT ELECTRIC TOXICITY

Hot chicks make everything better. Now, combine that with electric instruments and some shredded tunage. That, my friends, is a recipe for awesome. It's not too often that you get all three mixed together. Oh, you might get one or two at a time; but all three at once is a big win. If you want to up the ante with a bare nipple or two, a few whammy bars, and a song about dragons... then I'm in. I'm in in a big big way Buster. Pfft... I just summarized the entire 1980's.

LETS START THE WEEKEND!

Sometimes, the best way to start a weekend is with a popsicle.... a motherfu*king popsicle.

LIGHTSABER VS. SUPERMAN

I fancy myself as being pretty spiffy with this whole Internet thing. I got my finger on it's digital pulse so to speak. So, I can say unequivocally that there hasn't been dick of interest going on in cyberspace lately. I mean, there's the usual fart video, a some free mashed-up tunes, and people being outraged by [insert controversial political issue here]; but nothing unique. Still, I wanted to throw a post against the wall to let you - the WTCCTR Army - know that we still march on. Lack of content will not hold us back. But I gotta post something and all I could find was this crappy article about what would happen if you hit Superman with a light saber. Check out the piece of crap here. Yeah... I know... I got nothin.

HELL'S COMIN' WITH ME!

I was channel surfing tonight when I came across an old flick that probably has the best pwnage scene in modern movie history. The movie is "Tombstone;" and the scene shows Wyatt Earp declaring war on the Cowboy gang - who have just killed his youngest brother. If I live to be a million years old I'll never say anything half as cool as this. I mean, there was that one time I got pissed off at the post office and, while I was yelling at Mr. I-Want-Extra-Postage, I broke out into a mini scat/beatbox interlude - and then went right back into my tirade. That was pretty cool. I think I was channeling Biggie Smalls or some other dead rapper... or I have early onset tourettes syndrome. One of the two... umm... now that I'm thinking COCKHEAD about it, it's probably SHITHEEL the second FISTUALA one. Stay strong ASSHAT brothers.

YOUR FAVORITE CELEBRITY SEX TAPE?

You know, Webster was a great show. It was on from 1983 to 1987 and was just a nice, wholesome sitcom starring Emmanuel Lewis. But it's been over 20 years since the show left the air and some people might wonder, Hmmm... I wonder if Emmanuel Lewis ever ended up doing a sex tape? Well, now you can find out. A site called Dazereader has a page that lists out all the celebrities who may have put out some celluloid of themselves banging their genitals against someone... or something. Unfortunately, it won't link you to the video if they did leak a tape. But that's ok because who really wants to see Mini Me (Verne Troyer) humping on someone? Christ on a cracker... it's like playing Russian Roulette with your libido. No thanks man. But just in case you're feeling lucky, you can check out the site here. And if you want to get that Mini Me image out of your head, here's a short clip of Jessica Simpson in a bikini. OH, but before I forget, we have a winner for the best news headline of 2009: Ted Willaims frozen head was placed on an empty tuna can and beaten with a monkey wrench at a cryogenics lab. Yeah. Really. ... And now, on to the bikini!

PLEASE HELP US FIND THE CRIMINAL RODNEY STENGER.

There's a special place in hell for people who abuse children and animals. So, when we have a chance to catch one of these depraved bastards, I think everyone should do a little extra to try and bring the person to justice. Tonight is one of those times. Please watch the brief video below. Get a good look at the accused child abductor Rodney Stenger. If you see him skulking around your neighborhood call someone with a uniform and have this SOB brought to justice. I want hard time. That means no running wheel... er... exercise yard either. Just 24 hour lock down. Food pellets... er.. bread and water. And that's it.

THE HEALING OF AMERICA

This guy to the left here is T.R. Reid. He's a reporter who traveled all over the world looking at their health care systems, and then wrote a nifty little book. But since reading sucks he gave a seminar summarizing his findings. The link to the video is here. Heads up to everyone: it's over 1 hour long. The first half hour is very worth watching because he objectively compares our system to almost every other industrialized country - and puts the current debate playing out on tv everyday into some kind of context. The second half hour is his basically advocating for a public system followed by a question/answer period. The question/answer part is pretty interesting too. Agree or disagree, this dude knows his health care; and he does a good job of summarizing the whole issue in plain English. But, if all that sounds like a needle in the eye, you have my blessing to skip it all and just check out this hot nurse. Can I get an amen?

REDNECK NINJA

Well, I'm still trying to build a ninja army. With the economy the way it is you'd think there'd be a lot of them looking for work, but I'll take a Chinese star to the eye if I can find any. I mean, how am I supposed to implement Operation Finger Bang without some stealthy Asians? ... What's Operation Finger Bang? you ask... Well, if you're not female and between the ages of 24 and 77 you really don't have to worry about it. If you are, just know that it takes ninjas. Lots of ninjas. And not the ass-clown kind like the guy below.

2001 - A SPACE SUCKOLOGY

I'm not very musical. In fact, I once pulled my groin trying to hit a high note on a kazoo. The point being - I know I suck at music, so I don't attempt it. I leave it to people who have some kind of a musical talent. Just like I wouldn't expect some fruity oboe player to muscle in on my territory and all of a sudden be able to use a deft and charming wit to completely beguile all the women in a fifty foot radius so much that they can't help but start pawing at his pants. I mean, we all have our own little talents is what I'm basically getting at. So when I heard this band doing a rendition of 2001: A Space Odyssey I realized that their abilities also lie somewhere other than music. Like laying flat on their backs in an empty room and remaining completely still for as long as they can. Just a thought.

AHOY, YE SCURVY NUB RUBBERS!

Avast yer drubbery and take up dem patches o'eyes and pegs o' legs, and be quickly about it, ye sons of biscuit eaters! Yup, that's right... today is International Talk Like A Pirate day. Bet you didn't have that on your Hanna Montana calendar, did you? It's all about priorities you sqiffy bastards. The best part of Talk Like A Pirate day is that most other people don't know about it; so when you jump out of bed at the crack o' dawn and scream at your wife, "Shiver me timbers Lass! Ye best be gettin' to swabbin' the deck before I keelhaul ye like a scurvy sprog!" she'll be too confused and scared shitless to really be upset at you. Trust me... it's a funny joke. Here are the tools you're gonna need for the day. First, get your pirate name here. For the record, my pirate name is Bloody Tom Flint (which is funny because my real name isn't even close to that). Your pirate vocabulary is here. And you're pirate-y pep talk is here. And, best for last, a hot pirate babe to wet yer whistle on (a TON more HOT pirate babes here):

WAKING UP TO MACHINE GUNS

Waking up is never a pleasant experience. I have my alarm sound set on bamboo whistle or some ridiculous soothing crap like that, and it's still pretty aggravating when it goes off at 6am. So I can't even imagine the terrible headache you must get when awoken by machine gun fire. I mean, it's gotta be 100% worse than opening your eyes and seeing a Cleveland steamer hatched on your chest... I'm just saying...

ASK PROPECIA

The wise sage Whitney Houston once said, "Crack is wack." That kind of sweeping indictment - especially of something that has some obvious social benefits - has never set well with me. First, crack provides cocaine at an affordable price to working-class people. I mean, pure cut cocaine is insanely expensive. Even in our current recession the price is through the roof... uh... from what my friend tells me. Also, it helps curb appetite and promotes better eating habits in the form of smaller portions. Seriously. Who's got time to grocery shop when you're cruising street corners trying to track down a rock. And, lastly, it's a mind expanding drug that helps people see the bigger picture. Take tonight's featured person - Propecia. I'm sure before she started smoking crack that she wasn't very insightful into relationships or giving life advice. But, as you can see from this video, she's obviously been gifted with an amazing insight that's rare in our fast-paced, electronic age. Unfortunately, Proceia is dead now. A sensitive soul too delicate to cope with the cold day-to-day goings on in this topsy-turvy world. RIP crack ho. And stay strong.

NYPD officers killed: 23

Port Authority Police killed: 37

Firefighters killed: 343

Total number of people killed: 2819

Don't forget.

CLOSER TO... er... BY DICK CHEESE

Tonight, in honor of all the lounging around that goes on on Labor Day, I'm featuring a little musical interlude: Dick Cheese and his band, Lounge Against The Machine. They'll be doing a sublime cover of NIN's Closer. And it is glorious. In fact, I'm going out tomorrow at around... oh... 7am with my new Richard Cheese album and driving through all the terrible parts of town with the bass on '10' playing every. Single. Track. Two can play this game ghetto people!

FUNNY, THAT'S MY FAVORITE TOO

THE ULTIMATE PB&J

I thought peanut butter and jelly sandwiches was something I had down pat. I mean, we've firmly established that I'm no rocket scientist but making a pb&j sandwich is right above breathing and heart rate on the old brainstem, right? Well, I guess not. Tonight I'm posting a diagram/guide to make the most ultimate, nut-stuffin' pb&j this side of your mother. All I have to say is: who knew? Who f*cking knew...? Goddam peanut butter and jelly...

(click image for larger view)