LET'S LIVE TO 100?

Life is pretty awesome. Working, paying bills, dealing with f-holes who get sadistic pleasure out of jerking off your day, the random hemorrhoid... pfft... why wouldn't you want to live as long as possible? That's why I'm featuring an info-graphic tonight on how to live to be 100. Pretty motivating stuff though I question the veracity of some of the "tips" they give. Like eating nuts and flossing. That sounds a little witch-doctor-ey to me. I mean, you just gotta use some common sense too. I guess I'm not too trusting of the medical profession ever since I had that optometrist who made me take my pants off when he was fitting me for eye glasses. Though I have to admit: those bastards fit like a charm.

(Click the image if you want to actually read it)

NAKED YOGA

Sometimes it's hard figuring out what topic I'm going to go with for these posts. Like tonight, it was a toss up between some funny random photos I'd found (dull) or a personal jet pack that's going to be available to the public later this year (cool but still kinda 'meh'). Then I found this funny little video that was like a hug from baby Jesus while having my nipples worked over by an unemployed fry cook; and my decision was made. ... See that chick on the left there? If you don't already know who she is, she's Sara Jean Underwood - Playboy Playmate of the Year in 2007. I don't know about you, but I've never even thought about doing naked yoga before. But Ms. Underwood has definitely inspired me. Mountain pose to forward bend and gorilla pose here I come! I'm betting that this naked yoga is way harder with a raging erection. I'm just saying.

YOU ARE BEING WATCHED

File this under "fun facts." In last week's Science magazine researchers reported on a study they did which found that your movement and location are predictable 93% of the time based on cell phone data. So that's pretty relaxing. The article went on to say how this data would be used to predict traffic patterns or help improve cell phone service. ... Yeah right! That's a giant load of crapola! Know where all that data is going? A giant, central government computer so that a bunch of elite military personnel wearing black jumpsuits and packing nitrous-filled, black-hole-energy tasering guns can pounce all over you the minute you forget to report $9000 of income for three consecutive years. Don't even get me started on what'll happen when they get SkyNet up and running. It's 'game over' then man. Luckily, I have the solution: walkie-talkies. Yup. Totally can't be tracked. Plus, you get to say things like 'roger' and '10-4,' combined with 'good buddy.' ... Cripes, all this conspiracy theorizing has my pucker factor dialed up to a nine. Let's chill things back out with a prank call from the Jerky Boys. Yeah, monitor this SkyNet.

TOM GREEN DROPS BOMBS

Tom Green, for those of you who remember him; saw his career peak in the early 2000's. Since then he's kinda dropped off the face of the Earth. And let's face it, some of his work at the end there was pretty goddam awful (e.g., Freddy Got Fingered). But he had some high points along the way. For me, I think his best bit was done early on in his Mtv show....

Nowadays Tom films his show out of his living room, does some live tours, and maintains a web page (here). He still has flashes of brilliance though, which is why I still follow him. I mean, I don't want to miss another crap-on-the-microphone moment. My monk-like patience paid off recently when he had the rapper Xzibit on. What basically happened was that the white guy from Ontario, Canada made the black rapper from Detroit look stupid. Those of us from the street call it "dropping bombs." Tonight I'll be extending some of my street cred to all the loyal readers out there and give permission to use that term in your everyday lives. That's how we livin' here at WTCCTR. We be rollin'. They be hatin'. The end.

SUNDAY SKANKS

Between the Sunday morning news programs, the Olympics, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition re-runs I caught some brief but insightful analysis about a neglected topic in today's fast-paced, 24 hour news cycle society - skanks. I mean, they're so ubiquitous we often don't think about them that much. But skanks are undergoing a media assault right now by reality shows like 'Jersey Shore' and 'Flava of Love.' Are these shows creating an unrealistic standard for them or are they really giving strength to skanks? That's the debate. Let's go to the panel...

THE FRIDAY KICK ASS

Ok, enough of the boring financial data of the past few days. We're going to start the weekend right. Here's the deal: a few years ago a comic came out entitled 'Kick-Ass' about a high school kid, with no power or special abilities whatsoever, who tries to become a superhero in real life. Sounds dumb but funny thing... the comic mixes in enough gratuitous violence and humor to be pretty cool. Fast forward to now. Someone in Hollywood actually made a movie based on it that's set to be released in April. And what's awesome is that it looks like they kept all the gratuitous violence in there. So that's a win. Plus, as a bonus, McLovin plays the character Red Mist. Another win. But I saved the best for last... Yeah, the greatest actor of our generation - Mr. Nicholas Cage - guest shots as the character Big Daddy. Maximum win! ... I got my grubby little hands on the latest international red-band trailer for you and posted it below. Yeah, you're welcome. ... So now that the weekend is here I want everyone to tap into their inner Nicholas Cage and have a kick ass weekend. Stay strong - Nicholas Cage Strong.

ps - I'd watch the preview in full-screen mode, just to maximize the kick-ass-ed-ness-ess.

pss - minor programming note - you can now reach this fucking outstanding web page with the simpler site address: wtcctr.com

AMERICA'S DESTRUCTION... PART 2

Hey, remember a few days ago I put up a post outlining how the good old U. S. of A is circling the drain financially? Yeah. Well, today I saw how NBC copied me and did a story on it. Pfft... just reinforces my initial suspicions that I'm three days ahead of the curve. You're probably thinking, What's that supposed to mean? Two words: Pablo Escobar. Right out of high school I'd infiltrated his Medellin drug cartel on a dare. Anyway, long story short - if I had left just 3 days later than I did, I woulda been on a long car ride in the desert with his personal bodyguard Mr. Lemons... if you catch my drift. It's ironic though because we sure could use some of his drug money now. At the height of his power Escobar, or "Pabs" as I used to call him, was the seventh richest man in the world; with an estimated net worth of $25 billion. That's some serious cheese.