LET'S LIVE TO 100?

Life is pretty awesome. Working, paying bills, dealing with f-holes who get sadistic pleasure out of jerking off your day, the random hemorrhoid... pfft... why wouldn't you want to live as long as possible? That's why I'm featuring an info-graphic tonight on how to live to be 100. Pretty motivating stuff though I question the veracity of some of the "tips" they give. Like eating nuts and flossing. That sounds a little witch-doctor-ey to me. I mean, you just gotta use some common sense too. I guess I'm not too trusting of the medical profession ever since I had that optometrist who made me take my pants off when he was fitting me for eye glasses. Though I have to admit: those bastards fit like a charm.

(Click the image if you want to actually read it)

NAKED YOGA

Sometimes it's hard figuring out what topic I'm going to go with for these posts. Like tonight, it was a toss up between some funny random photos I'd found (dull) or a personal jet pack that's going to be available to the public later this year (cool but still kinda 'meh'). Then I found this funny little video that was like a hug from baby Jesus while having my nipples worked over by an unemployed fry cook; and my decision was made. ... See that chick on the left there? If you don't already know who she is, she's Sara Jean Underwood - Playboy Playmate of the Year in 2007. I don't know about you, but I've never even thought about doing naked yoga before. But Ms. Underwood has definitely inspired me. Mountain pose to forward bend and gorilla pose here I come! I'm betting that this naked yoga is way harder with a raging erection. I'm just saying.

YOU ARE BEING WATCHED

File this under "fun facts." In last week's Science magazine researchers reported on a study they did which found that your movement and location are predictable 93% of the time based on cell phone data. So that's pretty relaxing. The article went on to say how this data would be used to predict traffic patterns or help improve cell phone service. ... Yeah right! That's a giant load of crapola! Know where all that data is going? A giant, central government computer so that a bunch of elite military personnel wearing black jumpsuits and packing nitrous-filled, black-hole-energy tasering guns can pounce all over you the minute you forget to report $9000 of income for three consecutive years. Don't even get me started on what'll happen when they get SkyNet up and running. It's 'game over' then man. Luckily, I have the solution: walkie-talkies. Yup. Totally can't be tracked. Plus, you get to say things like 'roger' and '10-4,' combined with 'good buddy.' ... Cripes, all this conspiracy theorizing has my pucker factor dialed up to a nine. Let's chill things back out with a prank call from the Jerky Boys. Yeah, monitor this SkyNet.

TOM GREEN DROPS BOMBS

Tom Green, for those of you who remember him; saw his career peak in the early 2000's. Since then he's kinda dropped off the face of the Earth. And let's face it, some of his work at the end there was pretty goddam awful (e.g., Freddy Got Fingered). But he had some high points along the way. For me, I think his best bit was done early on in his Mtv show....

Nowadays Tom films his show out of his living room, does some live tours, and maintains a web page (here). He still has flashes of brilliance though, which is why I still follow him. I mean, I don't want to miss another crap-on-the-microphone moment. My monk-like patience paid off recently when he had the rapper Xzibit on. What basically happened was that the white guy from Ontario, Canada made the black rapper from Detroit look stupid. Those of us from the street call it "dropping bombs." Tonight I'll be extending some of my street cred to all the loyal readers out there and give permission to use that term in your everyday lives. That's how we livin' here at WTCCTR. We be rollin'. They be hatin'. The end.

SUNDAY SKANKS

Between the Sunday morning news programs, the Olympics, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition re-runs I caught some brief but insightful analysis about a neglected topic in today's fast-paced, 24 hour news cycle society - skanks. I mean, they're so ubiquitous we often don't think about them that much. But skanks are undergoing a media assault right now by reality shows like 'Jersey Shore' and 'Flava of Love.' Are these shows creating an unrealistic standard for them or are they really giving strength to skanks? That's the debate. Let's go to the panel...

THE FRIDAY KICK ASS

Ok, enough of the boring financial data of the past few days. We're going to start the weekend right. Here's the deal: a few years ago a comic came out entitled 'Kick-Ass' about a high school kid, with no power or special abilities whatsoever, who tries to become a superhero in real life. Sounds dumb but funny thing... the comic mixes in enough gratuitous violence and humor to be pretty cool. Fast forward to now. Someone in Hollywood actually made a movie based on it that's set to be released in April. And what's awesome is that it looks like they kept all the gratuitous violence in there. So that's a win. Plus, as a bonus, McLovin plays the character Red Mist. Another win. But I saved the best for last... Yeah, the greatest actor of our generation - Mr. Nicholas Cage - guest shots as the character Big Daddy. Maximum win! ... I got my grubby little hands on the latest international red-band trailer for you and posted it below. Yeah, you're welcome. ... So now that the weekend is here I want everyone to tap into their inner Nicholas Cage and have a kick ass weekend. Stay strong - Nicholas Cage Strong.

ps - I'd watch the preview in full-screen mode, just to maximize the kick-ass-ed-ness-ess.

pss - minor programming note - you can now reach this fucking outstanding web page with the simpler site address: wtcctr.com

AMERICA'S DESTRUCTION... PART 2

Hey, remember a few days ago I put up a post outlining how the good old U. S. of A is circling the drain financially? Yeah. Well, today I saw how NBC copied me and did a story on it. Pfft... just reinforces my initial suspicions that I'm three days ahead of the curve. You're probably thinking, What's that supposed to mean? Two words: Pablo Escobar. Right out of high school I'd infiltrated his Medellin drug cartel on a dare. Anyway, long story short - if I had left just 3 days later than I did, I woulda been on a long car ride in the desert with his personal bodyguard Mr. Lemons... if you catch my drift. It's ironic though because we sure could use some of his drug money now. At the height of his power Escobar, or "Pabs" as I used to call him, was the seventh richest man in the world; with an estimated net worth of $25 billion. That's some serious cheese.

ROLLING THE DICE

Feel like playing a little Russian roulette with your computer? If you do, there's a new web site you should try called chatroulette.com. Once you sign on you're randomly connected to other people via web cam. It's an interesting ride. I mean, if you don't mind seeing the random penis or a vapid stare from some WOW nerd you'll get to view some overweight Asian guys wearing flowered bras or dudes with paper-mache horse heads. But that's not the best part. Nope. The best part is that you get to chat with them. Yeah. I know. I had to pinch myself too. So now the people you cross the street to avoid you can have a face-to-face conversation with in the comfort of your living room. The 17 year old kid who came up with the site has already probably made more money off it than I will in my entire lifetime of working like an organ grinder monkey. Thanks Jesus! Stay strong.

AMERICA'S DESTRUCTION... AND A FUN LITTLE TUNE.

I'm kinda tired of watching democrats and republicans snipe at each other on cable news programs about everything from health care to who's responsible for Bin Laden having skid marks in his underwear. I heard one guy describe it as two men swimming in the ocean and arguing about who is going to drown first. So I want to give some context, a backdrop if you will, to the rhetorical masturbation that has Washington in a death grip lately.

Current federal debt is $12 trillion dollars (and rising fast)

Total debt (personal, business, local governments, etc) is $54 trillion dollars ($679,000 for every US family)

The Federal budget for this year is $3.55 trillion... Of that...

Social Security is the largest single budget item at $695 billion

Medicare and Medicaid (health care) is at $793 billion

Defense counts for $663 billion

Interest on the debt is $164 billion (4% of 2010 budget)

"Earmarks" account for 1-2% of annual federal spending according to the GAO

If nothing changes, in 2020 the US debt will be $20 TRILLION dollars. The interest on this debt will consume 80% of the annual federal budget.

Numbers don't lie Bitches. And these numbers are telling us that by 2020 we're going to be working in factories for $0.12 per hour making Nike sneakers for some kids in China. So while we're waiting for our inevitable servitude to descend, let's listen to some free mash-up music. Stay strong.

THE JUNEBUG RESPONDS

Ok, so all you lonely hearts who posted questions a few days ago for my man the Junebug ... tonight is the payoff. However, like myself, Junebug finds most of his time monopolized with matters of national security or trying to unravel the mysteries of coral reefs - so he's only able to answer a few select questions. If yous wasn't one answered tonight, don't lose hope. He'll be back in a few weeks to take on more of your sorry-assed matters of the heart. Until then, stay strong.

My girlfriend is too nice and it makes me uncomfortable. What should I do?

Vaginosis... here to stay?

Lately I've been having a lot of dreams about either Cookie Monster or Big Bird and waking up with an enormous erection. My girlfriend has started to notice. I don't want to freak her out. Should I tell her about my Sesame Street fetish?

I used to have funky spunk. Lately I've been eating more fruit. Now the shits delicious! No question. Just thought I'd share.

FURIOUS FUCHSIA

See that color there to the left? Yeah, in real life it's pink. And it basically sums up why American car companies are going down the tubes faster than shit through a goose. Dodge recently came out with a revamp of a classic muscle car called the Challenger; and some rocket surgeon decided that 400 of them are going to be pink. Oh, they're not calling it that. Officially it's a "furious fuchsia;" which is an oxymoron if you ask me. Seriously. What straight guy would buy a pink muscle car? But maybe that's the point. Some genius over there at Dodge figured there were at least 400 'fabulous' dudes out there - if you know what I mean - who would want to drive around a 425 horse powered pile of pink homosexuality. Good job guys. Why not throw some dildos onto the backs of the seats in the minivans so the kids have something to play with on those long road trips. ... Dopes.

Just to make sure we're all still playing for Team Hetero, here's my version of "furious fuchsia." For God's sake, someone had to do something...

ASK THE JUNEBUG

In keeping with the Valentine's Day theme we've got going here I'm trying a new feature tonight called "Ask The Junebug." While my own prowess with the females of the opposite sex is well documented (mostly by me), I'm really not really able to communicate the "IT" factor through which I make the magic happen. However, I got this friend. The Junebug is a swarthy bachelor who's had his share of ups and down in the romance department; and yet he's confidently striding into middle-age with the sureness of a man who knows where he's been but has absolutely no idea where he's headed. Plus, he has zero formal training whatsoever in couples counseling or giving sound relationship advice. So I though he'd be perfect to host the WTCCTR forum for those seeking guidance in matters of the heart. Here's how it will work: post your questions in the comment section of this post. Please keep them confined to relationships, sex, dating, sexuality, romance; or anything else surrounding to your wangage/trouser bagels. I'll then have the Junebug pick one or two of the best questions and record his responses. Then, in a week, I'll post his audio replies. Oh, and just to give you a little perspective on who you'll be dealing with.... I was in a strip club with the Junebug a few years back; and when the hottest young French Canadian stripper had just gotten finished stripping down to her birthday suit for his lap dance he deftly leaned in and asked, 'Aren't you cold?' True story. ... Anyway... I'm not sure why but it seems like I should finish this post with a video of a monkey playing the cymbals. So here you go. Stay strong.

THE DARK DAY OF VALENTINE DESCENDS UPON US

When I’m not out solving crimes or diffusing bombs for the Department of Agriculture, most of my time involves romancing righteous babes and bedding them when they least expect it (usually on some kind of porcelain surface). So I’d like to take this opportunity, now that Valentine’s Day is beginning to creep over the land like some horrid heart-shaped swamp gas; to offer a few guideposts that could help my Brothers navigate the dangers lying less than two weeks on the horizon. Buckle in. Here we go.

1. Anal. Don’t try it. Unless the sixth time is a charm, women do not appreciate you attempting any kind of buggery (i.e., fudge packing) on Valentine’s Day. Trust me on this. Of course, this supports my theory that women just don’t understand the deep and mysterious sensitivities of young mens’ hearts.

2. Foreigners. Get one. If at all possible, have a foreign woman as your Valentine. And I’m not talking Canada here. I mean a real foreigner. Like a chick from Guatemala or North Korea or something. This will simplify gift giving by a factor of ten. The entire day is going to be absolutely destroyed if you’re with an American woman and you try to give her a live chicken or swatch of random fabric you bought at Wal*Mart. But if you’re with a broad from... say... Belize and you break out a can of kidney beans with a big red bow slapped on it... well... get ready to be king for a day Mister.

3. Last, and most important: when it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

Stay strong you loquacious bastards.