IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY BITCHES

Greetings and salutations Buckos!  To commerate today's righteous holiday I was going to give a little spiel about good old St. Patrick; and why the hell he's got a big green day of drunken frat guys and wenches in belly shirts dedicated to him.  But then I realized no one probably gives a fat turd- including me.  I mean, really... everyone knows it's about drinking black and tans, watching parades; and trying to figure out where you are when you wake up, and why you only have one sock on with a bunch of green confetti sandwiched between the old ass cheeks.  That happened to a friend of mine.. it was pretty funny.  The results of the blood tests were a little bit of a buzz kill though.  The up-side is that since then he's lost a ton of weight.  He was a little portly to begin with.  Uh.. yeah.. anyway... Happy St. Patrick's Day!

FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE

Howdy ho Buckos!  After a week drenched in sex scandal and Bono killin' kids it's time for another installment of babe, beer, and tune.  So let's get right to it.

Today's babe is Rachael Cordingley.  She's Miss Maxim 2008 Global Winner.  So according to Maxim she's the best looking woman in the world for 2008.  Ok, I'll go along with that.

-

Alright.  I don't know why I picked up a sixer of Miller Chill.  But I did learn a lesson: don't huff gasoline before you go grocery shopping.  This beer is supposed to have a "natural hint of lime and salt."  I'm not sure when I got too lazy to add the lime and salt to my beers by hand, but it's happened - and now I'm stuck with five of these little monsters.  It kind of tastes like mediocre beer with a hint of dirt and piss. ... I'm sorry... I can't go on with this review... I can't stand to see malt beverages abused like this...

-

In light of all the scandal recently, this week's tune is a tribute to Elliot Spitzer and his cheatin' wang.  It's "Live and Learn" by Nural.  Because, in my book, the only thing he's really guilty of is love. Love godammit. *tear*

http://www.youshare.com/view.php?file=LiveandLearn.mp3

BONO IS A BASTARD

I've never really had much of an opinion on Bono.  I kind of zone out when a guy flies in on a private jet and tells me to help end poverty.  Especially a guy who's a rock star, who should be banging broads and doing exotic drugs... like chewing on nicotine patches and shooting dog laxatives into his nipples or something.  But I saw this story on Bono today and now I see him for the sadistic sonofabitch he really is.

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, 

 is famous throughout the entertainment 

 industry for being more than just a 

 little self-righteous.  At a recent U2 

 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked 

 the audience for total quiet.  Then, 

 in the silence, he started to slowly 

 clap his hands, once every few second.  

 Holding the audience in total silence,

 he said into the microphone, 'Every 

 time I clap my hands, a child in Africa 

 dies.'  From the front of the crowd a 

 voice... pierced the quiet...

  'Well, fucking stop doing it then, ya

evil bastard!'

-

When are these richies going to learn that you just can't go around killing kids like that.  Criminey!

SPITZER HOOKER - PART DEUX

Here she is in St. Tropez.  Well la-de-frigging-da.  I mean, five grand?!?  The last thing I paid $5000 for at least came with a stereo... so if she came with a boom box then, yeah, ok.

-

The New York Times story on her:

Ashley Alexandra Dupre

GOVERNOR SPITZER'S HOOKER

(click picture for larger view)

"Kristen" will probably doing the Tyra Banks or Ellen Degeneris show next week at this time, but this is the first picture I could find of her.  This is her profile from the web page for the Emperor's Club.  So she looks fairly attractive even with her face and nipplage blurred out.  I don't know if she was worth $5000 and a job running one of the most powerful states in the union, but what do I know... my last job paid barely $20,000.oo and I was working with batshit insane people all day.  And the only perk I got was farting on them.  Sure I creamed up the old tightey-whities once in a while but it was totally worth it to see the effects of righteous bowel gasses mixing with mental illness.

-

Governor, if you're reading this, you can keep the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants I sent you (*see Monday's post*).  Even though you were our governor for only a short time I want you to have them.  Wear them with pride.  And if you're ever back in Albany, look me up - we'll get together and I'll fart on you. 

THE FUTURE IS WEIRD

Ok Buckos, strap in.  Today I'm going to give you a glimpse of the future.

-

First off: SkyNet.  Machines will rule human beings like we're little pucker assed chickens.  And we'll all run around grubbing for food and slinging turds at each other.

-

Next in line will be someone who looks like this guy.  He'll be the one that SkyNet uses to keep all 

the computers lubed and running.  And he's gonna have some crazy James-Bond-villian-ey name the computers give him like Operator #1 or Fisheye... or some crazy shit like that. 

-

Then will be the robots who carry out SkyNet's orders and keep us humans in line.  But they're not 

going to look like Arnold Schwarzeneggeerear in "Terminator."  They'll be more like Johnny 5 from "Short Circuit."  Except, they'll still  be able to vaporize our chicken asses.

-

At the bottom of the heap will be us humans.  But it will be a case of the strong ruling the weak, which means giant monster-ey people all hopped up on steroids and with massive mental defects like narcissism will be calling the shots.  The videos of these two are a good example.... they'll be like a 'power couple' in the future.

So that's what it's gonna look like Buckos.  I know.  It's ugly.  But I still can't wait to see it in person.  How?  Well, let me just say that I'll be hanging out with all the other cryogenically frozen heads that got defrosted and sewn onto goat bodies or something.  *Hey, Ted Williams!  Can I get an autograph... oh... never mind.* 

THE SPITZER SOLUTION

Wow.  Kind of a rough day for NY Governor Elliot Spitzer.  And I imagine his wife gave him a hard time about this whole high-priced prostitute thing over the entire weekend.  I bet he didn't even get some down-time on Sunday to watch any spring training games.  Then there's the kids.  Can you imagine having to listen to them blattin' their little heads off about being embarrassed at school.  Little jerks.  Just thinking about the whole thing gets my chubby little choad all knotted up with stress and fuss.  So, being the patriotic New Yorker that I am, I took matters into my own hands and sent the Spitzer's a little "care package" to get them through this difficult time.

That's right Buckos - Wonder Sauna Hot Pants are what's needed here.  Before we all go rushing to judgement or making any premature decisions I think everyone needs to just slip into a pair of these little beauties.  I'm wearing a pair right now and, I gotta tell you, I can feel the stress being sucked right out of my sphincterous and penile regioins.  It's like magic for chrissakes.  So to Elliot, his wife Silda (that's kind of a bullshit name), and his three daughters: here's hoping the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants get you over this sexy, raunchy, lacy, c-cupped bump in your lives.  PS - I included some personal notes about how to position the fill nozzle on these mother f*ers to keep from sodomizing yourselves.  Just trust me on this one.