THE OLDEST JOKE IN THE WORLD.

So in my wanderings around this wacky place called the world wide web - on a quest to prove that viewing massive amounts of porn will give me super strength - I'll sometimes stumble across odd stuff: stock quotes, news, and now ... the world's oldest recorded joke.  It's from 1900 BC and is a saying from the Sumerians.  Wanna hear it?  Here goes.

Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap.

Golly, that sure is nifty!  You gotta imagine that since someone took the time to carve that in a slab of petrified dung (OR WHATEVER THE HELL THEY USED FOR PAPER IN ANCIENT SUMARIA), it had to be one of the funniest goddam things they'd ever thought of.  I'm going to go out on a limb and say the Sumerians invented "humor" before they invented beer and weed.  Just a hunch.  Now smile wide Bitches.

PS - If you don't believe me and want to check out the article, go here.

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GOLF BLOWS.

I was out golfing and betting on the ponies all day today, like a man.  The only problem was my goddam golf game... which sucks black ass.  Actually, I'm really getting a great value for my money if you divide the cost of the round by the number of shots I take.  I'm getting a waayyy better value per stroke than anyone I'm with.  But I guess I have to expect high scores given that I've spent twice as much on my golf cooler as I did on my golf clubs.  It's all about priorities baby.  So, in celebration of my hack job of a perfectly innocent golf course, I'm posting a little Jackass out on the links.  Fore Bitches!

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HOME WINDMILL WILL TAKE 20-60% OFF ELECTRIC BILL.

Everyone is going green these days.  I mean, when you have a guy like T. Boone Pickens throwing up windmills all over Texas, it's time to take this renewable energy stuff seriously.  Not to mention that it gives Al Gore a serious stiffy.

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I ran across this residential wind turbine that is affordable ($600) and can be mounted on your home to help reduce your power bills.  It's set to be released in September; which will give us plenty of time to save up and figure out how the hell we're going to hook the damn thing up.  I'm considering getting bolts installed in my neck and having the juice pump directly into my heroic physique.  That way, I could probably shoot electricity from my nipples and fight crime like a wild bitch.  What now M-F'er?

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PS - If your ass hurts it's probably because of the record $482 BILLION budget deficit that was announced today.  To put that in perspective: if I gave you $1 every second it would take over 100 years to reach $482 billion.  Thanks George.

babe, beer, tune, boobs, bitches, humor, cash, save money, wind turbine, windmill, democratic ecology, al gore, tree huggers, nipples, crime fighter with electric nippalage.

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TAXES HURT MY SPHINCTER - PART 5.

It's been a while since I've posted on this topic, but I was reminded of it recently when a friend got a nice letter from the IRS telling him he was being audited.  He explained it as kind of like having your heart pulled out of your ass... except it's money.

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Anyway, in the clip tonight (part 5 of the 11 part series) one of the jurors for a man on trial for not paying his taxes explains how they reached their verdict.  That's some interesting shit right there Bitches.  Don't try this at home.  

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PS - you can catch the rest of my postings in this series here.

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Thank Christ it's Friday!!

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Tonight's babe is Susie Feldman.  Hmmm... name sounds familiar right?  Yeah, well, Susie Feldman is the wife of the dipshit Cory Feldman.  That prick who was in the movies "Stand By Me" and "The Lost Boys."  I only call him that because I'm jealous... I suppose.  But it does go along with my theory that there is no justice in the world.  I mean, seriously.  The dude hasn't put in a hard day's work in his entire life.  And this is the tail he gets.  Oh, and just as a 'by the way' kind of tid-bit, she was the one who came on to him.  She was the one who approached him in a bar and was all up in his business... now ain't that some shit?!?  Yeah, thanks God.  Anyway, more titty-liscious pics of her here. (GOD, WHAT A MASSIVE PIECE OF ASS).

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Special entry tonight Bitches.  It's called "Midas Touch" by Dogfish Head Brewery. This recipe is the actual oldest-known fermented beverage in the world. The recipe showcases the known ingredients of barley, white Muscat grapes, honey & saffron found in the drinking vessels in King Midas' tomb!  And with 9% alcohol... it's fucking delicious!  Of all the beers so far rated I'd give this top billing.  Excellent beer.  Nice grape-ey taste and awesome buzz.  Beer Advocate rates it a B - "good."  But I'd say go out and get some, if you can find it.  Also, it's only sold in 4-packs... and will cost you about $9.oo.  Why they wouldn't sell it in 6-packs is insane to me.  It's like spitting in the face of the little baby Jesus - breaking up a 6 pack like that.  Anyway, go out and get some.  You won't be sorry.

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Tonight's band is The Color Red and their song is "Sore Throat."  It's tough to get much of a history on this band.  They're from Southern California (oh great) and released an album in 2002 called "Clear;" which was mediocre except for the song featured tonight, which rocks in a slow, ponderous way.  So enjoy Bitches.  Rest up.  Another week of awesome awaits!

"Sore Throat"

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PS - Here is a link for 30 days of delicious summer drinks.  Yeah... you're welcome you fucks.

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THE BATTLE CRY OF LEROY JENKINS... AND THE IRS.

Howdy Ho WTCCTR Army!  A few days ago I was reading an article about the 10 best battle cries; and mixed in with King Leonidas and Charlton Heston was a guy named Leeroy Jenkins(pictured).  After a little research I found out he's just some average, everyday dude who became famous when he got his entire pack of buddies killed while playing the online game World of Warcraft.  Ok, so I won't go into everything that's screwy with that; but I'll leave it at me just not understanding the whole WoW thing.  I mean, why someone would waste time playing Dungeons and Dragons with a bunch of strangers when you could be looking at righteous porn or some groovy scat video really confuses me.  But what do I know... I mean, I'm not a therapist for chrissakes.  Anyway, I found the clip of this Leeroy Jenkins guy and his battle cry on YouTube and I gotta admit - it was pretty goddam funny.  I think it's a good example that there's a very thin line between being brave and dumb.  You could argue that sometimes there isn't a line between the two.  Sometimes they almost go hand in hand like dates to the Darwin Awards.  So here's to Leeroy, you nutty maniac.

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In completely unrelated news - the IRS.  Congress passed "the housing bill" a few days ago to keep Fannie Farmer and Bernie Mac mortgage companies from going belly up.  BUT the nifty little thing you won't hear on the news is that the nearly 600 page bill wasn't really reviewed by the congressmen voting on it, and so some other neat stuff got snuck through.  Like that in 2009 the IRS will start monitoring ALL of YOUR credit card transactions.  Cool huh?!?  Guess I'm going to have to start buying my bulk fertilizer with money orders from now on.  See a video summary of the bill here by my man Ron Paul.

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All for now you saucy Bitches.  Check in tomorrow for.... WAIT FOR IT... ... Babe, Beer, and a Tune.  Leeerrroooyyy Jeeeennnkins!

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LYNWOOD, ILL. - THE BEST PLACE ON EARTH

Maybe I'm just old but there are some things that seem colossally retarded to me: rap music; Bed, Bath, and Beyond; Barry Manilow.  But one thing that is at the top of the retarded list is the baggy pants look that this fine gentleman in the picture is modeling.  I am really really hard pressed to seeing what's "cool" or "phat" or friggin' whatever you want to call it.  Well, finally somewhere people are putting a cash money fine on stupid.  And that place is Lynwood, Illinois.  Article here.  Now if someone would only declare rap music the Devil's lubricant we'd be cookin' with Crisco.  Stay strong Lynwood!

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PS - check out the new link to the Funtastics web page.  Lots of lusty broads without any pants!

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HOW TO HAVE A HAPPY LIFE... LIKE PATRICK SWAYZE.

Hi Bitches.  I'm feeling good today.  I've got a little spring in my step and a twinkle in my eye.  Usually I'm a nervous, twitchy - yet incredibly handsome - little prick.  But today I have a new outlook.  Over the years I've read almost 4 books on Eastern philosophy, gone on pilgrimages and MacGuyver-ish adventures... I even played a game called "nipple showdown" (LOOSE TRANSLATION) with an isolated tribe in New Guinea - just to try and figure out what this crazy life is all about and gain some peace of mind.  And up until this morning it was all for nothing.  Then I saw the video below... and it was like the sun shining on my face for the first time.  It was like my nuts were released from the vice-grip of reality.  It was like my swollen cock.... er... well... you get the idea.  

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So, because I love you crazy bitches, I'm presenting the video to you tonight.  Stay strong.

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CAKE FARTS.

Hey, Happy Sunday.  Today is traditionally a day of rest and worship.  So in that spirit, I present cake farts.  Soak it all in... or should I say, 'Smell it all in.'  Stay strong Bitches.

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Cake Farts

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

I saw the new Batman movie, The Dark Night, today.  It kind of blew me away so I'm starting tonight's post with one of the Joker's qirky, murderous little quotes -- "And here.  We.  Go."

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WTCCTR Readers - meet Sherri Gulley.  Sherri Gulley - meet the WTCCTR rockstars.  Sherri is a medical assistant in Florida and is open to doing nude modeling.  Yes and please and thank you.  Oh, and she's 36 years old and a single mother of 2... so we know she's open to taking a roll in the hay and has awesome genetics.  I mean, how do you have 2 kids and snap back with a body like that?!  I suppose her poon smells like strawberries too.  Cripes!  More pics of the ultimate MILF here.

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The brew tonight is called Maudite.  The picture above is the label and, I gotta admit, I chose this beer because it scared the shit out of me.  I mean, is it me, or do those fuckers look like they're rowing a boat to Hell?  But I wrestled my fear like an alligator with bull-tits and was able to carefully consider six of these little beauties.  All I can say is that if this really is the beer they serve in Hell - sign me up!  It was awesome!  Hard to describe the taste really except to say that it was a little sweet and spicy at the same time.  Totally delicious.  Plus it has an 8% alcohol content.  Yummy in the old tummy.  Beer Advocate agrees with me and awards this beer the grade of A- ... "excellent."  Nice brew Satan!

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Tunage tonight is "Follow You Down" by Blindside.  They are another Christian rock band (last week's band were Jesus freaks too).  But since this week's beer is actually from Hell I'm guessing it's good to balance things out a little bit... keep the whole yin and yang thing going.  I mean, who wants to piss off Jesus?  Not me.  I already have a dead hooker and a Cleveland steamer counting against me (separate incidents, by the way).

"Follow You Down"

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GIVING BIG OIL THE FINGER.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty sick of eating a shit sandwich every time I fill up my gas tank these days.  And I'm tired of hearing how much money the oil companies are making.  Oh yeah... and I'm tired of oil company executives going before Congress saying they don't make any money on the sale of gasoline.  I'm ready to give Big Oil the big finger.  How?  No mystery here Bitches... the answer is electric.  Between now and 2010 there are about 30 companies that are going to be releasing 100% electric vehicles.  Sure they look like clown cars but I'm willing to slap on a big red rubber nose and pair of balloon pants if it means I can tell these guys to go suck my nozzle.  One of those companies is called Think.  The information on their offering to the electric car market is here.

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So here's to me tea-bagging you Exxon-Mobil!  You're not going to have my supple rump to kick around after 2009.  Aaahhh  hahhhahhhhaaaa hahhaa.

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Oh, and here's a free cup of joe.  

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Peace Bitches.

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MY WORKOUT.

Hey there Bitches!  Wanna give me a spot?  Heh, for those of you not familiar with gym lingo that means 'keep an eye on me while I lift this hugemongous mass of weight and make sure I don't drop it on myself.'  I've been hearing a lot about how us Americans are all obese and have pretty rank stools.  Now, I can't do much about the second thing; but I might be able to help out with the first part of that equation - the fatness.  

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Tonight I'm posting a video of my daily workout.  Watch closely and take notes because, as you can see, it's pretty fucking effective.  The only real downside is that if I drop any coins I'm not able to adjust my muffularity in order to pick them up.  I just have to leave them there.  To date, I've had to abandon $47592.oo in loose change... I guess that's the price of being balls deep in awesome.

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I'M IN LOVE.

It's not often that I run into a female of the opposite sex that makes my loins swell with desire so much so that I forget how I'm really the man; and how I shouldn't be trailing any little chickie around holding my wenis in my hand like a beggars cup.  But then a rare skeezer comes along with the ideal mix of looks, personality, charm, and poise.  That's Little J - the sweet sweet creature featured in the video below.  Little J, if you're out there reading this, please email me with your contact information.  It's been too long since I've been in the presence of an angel... *sigh*

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TWO AWESOME-NESS-ES.

There's an old saying that 'like attracts like.'  So, being hugely awesome myself, I tend to attract awesomeness.  Today that took the shape of some hot wheels and fast fists.

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I'm a big motorcycle fan.  And when I ran into the 2008 Suzuki Hayabusa this weekend I pretty much saw God.  If you're not a motorcycle person or have not seen a Hayabusa then I'm gonna say you're a dick; because it's a perfect piece of engineering.  The best way to describe riding on one is 'orgasm on demand.'  Oh, yeah, and it's starting price is just over $10,000.oo  Ha ha... what?!  With a 0-60 time of 1.5 seconds (the video below says 2.5 seconds, but that's an older model) that makes it fastest vehicle per dollar on the face of the Earth.  Not to mention that it will blow the doors off anything on the road.  Check it out:

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I was wrapping up the day with some movies and caught "The Rundown" starring The Rock.  I'd seen it before but was reminded of how sublime the ass beating of the first 6 minutes was.  Best opening scene of an action movie starring The Rock released in the last 10 years ever.  Er... yeah.

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That's all for tonight.  Stay awesome Bitches.

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TOP 5 RANDOM PICTURES THAT SMOKE MY MEAT.

Greetings and salutations Troops.  My weekends are usually pretty packed with righting injustices; and bedding the lonely yet smoking hot women who I meet in the course of my adventures.  So you can understand how it can sometimes be tough duty finding time to make a post.  But you're in luck because I just saved the orphanage from foreclosure; and sent home the lusty banker with the heart of gold (pictured above) ... her pants full of memories.  Now, before I maow down a bowl of granola and hit the hay, I thought I'd throw some righteousness out to the WTCCTR army.  

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Here are 5 random pictures I snagged while surfing around this crazy little thing we call the Internet.  The only thing they have in common is that they all made me chuckle to the point of skidding up the old tightey-whiteys.  Got some on my wang too.  

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Stay strong my Bitches.  May your underwear always be free from pisses and shits.

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Howdy ho Bitches.  Last Friday's BB&T was preempted for the big 4th of July extravaganza... but it's back!

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This is Cody Bentsen.  She's a fitness model and competitor.  And when she's not prancing around in bikinis she's a physicians assistant.  Sure wish she'd check my temperature, right in the naughty hole.  More pics of her here.

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It's summer so that means that the beers fly fast and furious in the old WTCCTR household.  So I'll just pick one that's been near my mouth in the last 23 seconds: Corona Extra.  I give it a thumbs up... not an enthusiastic 'thumbs up' but a pretty solid one.  It's a good summertime BBQ kind of beer.  Unfortunately, Beer Advocate sees it differently.  They gave it a grade of D ... "avoid."  Ooohkaay.

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The band is Dead Poetic.  They're a Christian Rock band from Dayton, Ohio.  Yeah, that's right... Christian Rock.  While I'm not a huge fan of organized religion I think Jesus was a pretty rocking dude.  He probably would have listened to Dead Poetic.  Can you imagine how bad assed Jesus would be in a mosh pit.  Fuck... I mean... really... you know Jesus stage dives.  Anyway, the tune:

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"Take This Breath"

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So that's all for now you maniacs.  Remember to forward this site to any friends who you thing would enjoy humor, some Jesus rock, and righteous tits.  Stay strong!

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NO FREE LUNCH... OR BREAKFAST... OR DINNER.

So I'm at the grocery store today buying cold cuts.  I'm standing there, waiting patiently behind the biggest line of BOCES in the history of cold cuts when the woman two people ahead of me insists on trying a "sample" of each fucking thing she was getting.  I swear to God I was committing mental murder.  Seriously... if you don't know what the fuck salami tastes like by now give it up.  Stop wasting every one's time by pretending to try the meat out - like you might not buy it.  It's not a fine wine for chrissakes.  And then there was the wigger just in front of me who decided to get in a conversation about rival supermarkets' deli departments with the cold cut guy who was working behind the counter.  I.  Shit.  You.  Not.  So picture two deli-dipshits trying to out tough each other while talking (in ebonics) about the bologna slicing techniques at the place across the street.  For those of you playing along at home, that's the maxium amount of douchbaggery you can exude at any one time.  Trust me.

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So I get home and immediately try to find out how I can avoid and/or save money at the grocery store.  Unfortunately all that came up were coupon web sites that asked you for your email, phone number, address, and whether or not you've done anal with a prostitue; before linking you up to coupons for Energizer hearing aid batteries and extra-absorbent tampons made out of mow hair or some shit.  If you want to experience the insanity for yourself click here.

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Then I click a link on what the world leaders (including good old Georgie W.) are dining on this week while discussing the world's food shortage problem:

Any more irony and my nipples would bleed ketchup.

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So, where does that leave us?  What's the moral of the story?  I have no friggin' clue except to say that my deli department can kiss my roast-beefy bung hole; I hope each and every world leader at that conference gets a case of the "goby fish" Hershey squirts; and that masturbation is an awesome stress reliever.  Stay strong Bitches.

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CELEBRITY BOOBAGES

If you're American and have a pulse, you enjoy a nice pair of knockers.  And if those knockers happen to be attached to a famous person... well... that's special.  It brings a tear to my eye to think about how I'd stay up past midnight just to catch a glimpse of Heather Thomas' body double's breasteses in the movie "Zapped" on HBO.  Keep in mind Buckos - this was way before internet porn.  I had to sit through 90 minutes of watching Scott Baio butcher the art of acting just to see 2 seconds of naked boobs.  Now I can't swing a dead cat without hitting a tit.  I suppose it has something to do with my devilish wit and spectacular wang that attracts mammaries like flies.

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Anyway, tonight I'm posting a video that's an oldie but a goodie.  It shows dozens of famous peoples boobs set against the song "Show Them To Me" by Rodney Carrington.  This is my National Anthem.  All rise.

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Show Them To Me - Watch more free videos
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SCARE TACTICS.

I've got this wacky little divot in my funny bone that makes me giggle like a school girl when I see people shit their pants from fear.  There was a show on a few years back called "Scare Tactics" hosted by Shannon Dougherty.  Aside from the fact that she is one scary bitch I'm not sure how she got the gig.  Anyway, YouTube is full of clips from the show.  You can find them here.  Posted below is one of those clips that I find particularly hilarious.  Some random dude is lured into a fake bio-hazzard room and jocularity ensues when he starts to think he's staring into the abyss.  Ah, good times.

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scare tactics, shannon, dougherty, babes, beers, tunes, boobs, red turds

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SATURDAY NIGHT STROKE!

Happy Saturday Bitches.  Saturday is a day for kicking back, having a few beers, hanging out with friends, and enjoying a good stroke.  So that's what I'm dialing up for tonight's post - a good, old-fashoned, barn-burnin', speech-slurrin' stroke!  The video is from a whole series of different talks called TED talks.  The particular video I'm featuring is from a woman - Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor - who had a massive stroke.  She happened to survive and is giving a talk where she walks you through her ordeal.  Plus she uses a real human brain as a prop...  which is pretty goddam gnarly in my book.  So mix a cocktail, get comfy in your favorite chair, kick back, and enjoy the stroke!  I AM SO GOING TO HELL.

Check out the video here.

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HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!

Happy 4th of July!  Today is the day most people celebrate with cookouts and fireworks.  I'm going with girls in American Flag bikinis.  Yeah, you're welcome.

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On a more serous note, the following video is a little on the long side (15 minutes) but I would seriously take the time to watch it today.  It's our Declaration of Independence.  It's the reason why we all get the day off to grill hot dogs and shoot bottle rockets.  It's also the document that told King George, 'You're a dick.  We're going to make our own country and it's going to be the greatest in human history.'  Stay strong Buckos!

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