TOP 3 SCENES FROM THE MOVIE "OLD SCHOOL"

There are some movies you see and know they are instant classics the minute you walk out of the theater.  "Old School" is one of those movies.  Will Farrell and Vince Vaughn can deliver a comedic line better than anyone, and this flick was full of great lines.  Plus the sight gags were pretty boner-riffic.  It was a gargantuan task trying to pick out the top 3 scenes from the movie but I spent almost 1/4 of an hour coming up with this list... because I love you fantastic bastards like a $2 whore loves a good steak dinner.  Ok, pencils down Bitches.

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Vince Vaughn says what every Best Man would say standing up there if any of them had a hair on their ass.  Still, the wedding singer is the real star in this clip.

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Apologies for the German subtitles.  I have this same reaction every time I crack a fresh beer.  So good.

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If you don't know what the word "sublime" means, look it up.  Because this scene is that.

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Sweet Mother Mary and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - it's Friday!  Start your boners!

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This is Melissa Marie.  I tried to find a bio on this chick and came up with zip.  Judging from the picture I'd say she's an intellectual of Scottish descent.  And good for her... the Scots are a proud people and education is important.  I mean, this picture says to me, 'Hey kids, stay in school.'  And then I think, I wonder if that rumor about not wearing anything under the kilt-thing is true?  Ohpleasegodyes.  Ohpleasegodyes.  More pics of her here.

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I'm going sentimental on your ass tonight.  Schaefer beer is what my Grandfather used to drink when we were doing yard work.  I can't quite remember but it might actually be the first beer I ever had.  So maybe the sentimentality taints my taste buds but this $3/six-pack brew is goddam delicious.  It's light, flavorful, and has a lot of carbonation; and it all works well together.  Even Beer Advocate (BA) says it's a "great beer for quenching thirst on a hot day."  So my grandpa had it right.  I always knew he was the OG.  BA's official rating is a C- ... "not worthy."  But BA is run by a bunch of buck-toothed BOCES anyways.  Good luck finding Schaefer though.  I think the only ones still around are waaaayyy past their "born on" dates.

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Tonight's tune is "Flawless" by Twin Method.  They're a metal band from Liverpool, England.  And, unlike the featured bands from the past 4 weeks, they're not a Christian rock band!  I mean, look at these bastards.  Nothing Christian about these guys.  In fact, they look like they'd beat up your local Christian and record it as a lead-in for their next single.  So suck on that Jesus!

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I KNEW IT!!

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THE PRESIDENT WITH NO EXPERIENCE.

The Democratic National Convention is going on this week.  Even though I've been trying to avoid it, it's hard not to see highlights on the news.  I try to avoid both conventions for the same reason I avoid commercials for regular, everyday products: I hate people trying to sell me shit.  I don't want to own a donkey or an elephant.  Still, I might try and catch some of Ron Paul's "convention" being held on the Tuesday, September 2nd.  Wait... what am I saying...? Paul advocates abolishing the federal income tax and the IRS - I'd follow that glorious bastard into the center of the Sun!

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There's been a lot of talk this week about "experience."  Who has it.  Who doesn't.  How much.  What kind. It seems funny to me that this is even an issue since the Founders of our country never intended for politics to be a career.  Politics was supposed to be a temp job for a chosen few who, after serving, were expected to return to farming, or blacksmithing, or wig-powdering, or tea-bagging... or whateverthehell kind of mundane job they were trained to do.  Their thinking was that if you're a politician for too long you lose touch with the people you're trying to represent.  Of course, this was the idea back when politics had a hint of common sense.  So, when some talking head on tv starts questioning a politician's "experience" I tend to think of this ex-President - who didn't have an experience-pot to piss in when he showed up for work at The White House.  He still managed to do a pretty good job though.

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PS- For those of you who think I'm comparing Obama to Lincoln it's also important to note that - like Bush - Lincoln was the architect and driving force behind a war that was incredibly unpopular at the time (but worked out pretty good for everyone, looking back).  And Lincoln's approval ratings when he was in office make Georgie W. seem like the most popular dude in the history of your mother.  

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TITS, FLAMING SHOTS, AND ONE FUNKY MIDGET.

Howdy Ho Bitches.  It's Tuesday.  The second most depressing day of the week.  So in the spirit of trying to liven it up a little I thought I'd throw some nifty shit at you... stuff that usually puts a little smile on my face and a stiffy in my pantalones.  All the items featured tonight are in my top 5 most awesome-est things ever in the history of my awesome life.  Ok, let's roll.

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I had the privilege of rocking a bronsky once.  It was the best seven minutes of my life.  It wouldn't have been nearly that long but my freshman roommate was a sound sleeper.  Pete, if you're reading this, you're still the man, you fat bastard.

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Now that's how you do a flaming shot - sip the fucker.

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And for the grand finale I got my favoritest thing of all: one funky-assed midget.  Seriously, this dude turns it out!  Everyone else in the room gets SERVED just by being in this dudes presence.  Strut little brown dude!  Strut on!

The Pashtoon Midget Dance - Watch more free videos

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MAKE YOUR OWN SMOKE-ASSIN' ENERGY DRINK.

Shazam!  Tonight we're talking energy.  I've done extensive "research" on how to super-power your mind and energy levels on little to no sleep.  I've sampled a million energy drinks, popped some funky looking pills, paid chemists to strong-arm some industry insiders, and even once had chicken feathers rubbed all up in my crotch-al region (that didn't give me a lot of energy but some other weird stuff happened).  Anyway, I've boiled mental and physical energy down to a few ingredients that you can buy and mix yourselves - they'll work better than any energy drink on the market and save you a ton of money.  I'll even tell you how to best mix the s*it for the best taste.  Goddam I must love you maniacs.

**NOTE** All dosages below (mg) are to be used in 1 drink.  And DO NOT drink more than 1x/day MAXIMUM... unless you like emergency rooms.

1.  Start with CAFFEINE.  The MAIN ingredient.  No matter what the beverage companies tell you, caffeine is the main ingredient that gives you a physical energy kick.  A lot of the other ingredients are just marketing.  Maximum amount of caffeine per beverage is 400mg.  Any more than that and you're heading for a nice cardiac arrhythmia.

2.  The supporting cast:

TAURINE - improves your mental processing - 800mg max.

B-COMPLEX VITAMINS - you can buy this in a powdered form.  Take the recommended dosage for each drink mix.  Supports a gazillion brain functions.

GINSENG - an oldie but a goodie.  Buy the high quality powdered with 80% ginsenosides.  Shit reduces fatigue and improves abstract thinking - 200mg

VINPOCETINE - viagara for the brain... do I need to say more? - 10mg

CREATINE - yeah, creatine.  Increases blood flow to your muscles AND your noggin.  - 500mg max.

3.  Mix any of the following juices together in a large plastic cup: acai, pomegranate, blueberries, bananas.  All support brain function and/or have a TON of antioxidants.  Then put in about 1/2 cup of ice.  Throw in the caffeine and other ingredients.  Mix with one of these nifty hand mixers.

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Viola!  There you have it - the most smoke-assin' energy drink you'll ever have.  I'd start with lower amounts of all the ingredients above to get your body used to them; and play around with the amounts to see what works best.  You can get almost all the ingredients pretty cheaply online at Bulk Nutrition.  And if you really want to go over the top, buy some fish oil supplements to take along with it.  Fish oil jacks up blood flow to the brain and brain function overall - but can't be mixed.  Disclaimer: don't expect this whole concoction to taste like Red Bull.  It's going to taste ok at best but it'll be the most effective energy drink you've ever had.

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So that's it kids.  Remember to be careful with this stuff.  I mean, it is your brain you're messing around with for chrissakes.  Ok, stay strong.

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ANDY MCKEE HAS SKILLS.

I tried to play a kazoo once when I was a kid.  It was a show-and-tell.  I played a few notes and felt pretty good until I realized I'd hit the brown note... and my entire 2nd grade class had just shit their pants.  So, standing in the hallway for every show-and-tell for the rest of the year, I had a lot of time to think.  I came to the simple conclusion that I didn't have any musical talent.  But the good thing that came out of it was that I now am able to tell when people have a lot of musical talent.  It's when I watch them play and think to myself, 'That doesn't look that hard... I think I could do that;' knowing damn well what happens when I get around instruments.  Andy McKee makes me feel that way.  I featured him once before in my Guitar Solo's post.  Here's another shot at him.  Poop strong Bitches.

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Howdy Ho my beautiful Bitches.  It's f*cking Friday... and we all know what that means.

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Say 'hello' to my little friend.... ahem... er... Jamie Ford.  She's 23 years old and a personal trainer.  The pictures I'm featuring are from her Playboy spread "Sexy Wives."  Ok, so she's 23 and married.  I don't know about you but in my book that equals idiot. Ah... just how I like 'em.  She's probably dazzled by shiny objects.  Sounds like it's time for the old wrap-my-nuts-in-tinfoil-and-shine-a-LED light-on-them trick.  Yupper.  Works every time.  More pics of her here.

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A ha!  I'm throwing you a curve ball this week with the old beer-skis.  This is a re-review of Arrogant Bastard Ale.  I posted Beer Advocate's review last week but didn't have any to sample myself.  But I found a sixer.  So here we go.  Now, BA gave it an "A" grade.  I was anxious to try it and when I found it in my local beverage center I fell to the floor and wept.  I was already intoxicated - by joy.  Malt-ey, hop-ey joy.  When I went to check out I got to cry all over again, but for a different reason.  F*cker was $20 for a 6 pack.  Now I'm thinking this stuff has to be incredible.  It's gotta taste like poon and $100 bills.  I'll cut to the chase: it was good - not great.  It is a solid, strong (7.9% alcohol) brew but it tastes very similar to Sam Adams Imperial Lager.. that is to say, it's very hop-pey tasting.  The bottom line: I give it a "B-".  If it wasn't $3/bottle I might have given it a "B" or "B+", but it did so "B-".  Arrogant bastard.

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Tune tonight is "Endless Struggle" by Throw The Fight.  They're an alt-rock band out of Minneapolis.  There isn't much more about them as a band.  So.  Yeah.  Whatever.  They have a dumb name anyway.

"Endless Struggle"

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So that's all for today.  Thanks for playing WTCCTR.  Join us next time when we ask the question, 'Colostomy bags: friend or foe?'

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SIX WICKED PHOTO BOMBS.

Taking pictures is kind of dumb.  I mean, how often do you pull out the old photo albums and flip through memory lane?  If you do it at all - ever - it's usually with someone who hasn't seen the pictures; and who could probably give two fantastic turds about your first communion or you and your ex-wife's trip to Barbados.  Or f*king whatever.  My point is: pictures are a mind-numbing waste of time.  So I get a warm tingle from my lower back that stretches into my nuts when I see photo bombers.  If you don't know what that is, a photo bomber is someone who jumps in the picture at the last minute or otherwise does something retarded in the background that "ruins" the picture.  I put that in quotes because I think it only makes them 1000% better but, hey, that's from a dude who doesn't own one piece of clothing without a stain on it... usually in the front and back. ... What?  I can't help it if I have control issues.  Stay strong and say 'cheese' you logy Bitches.

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I'll bet a $1000 that white kid is holding a pimp cup.

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Yeah, he's thinking what you're thinking.

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Jerry never did figure out why his nickname was "The Dildo."

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Wait...shhh... it looks like he's trying to communicate.

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Taken just before Jewey McBoner had to go to the car to change.

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The Rembrandt of photo bombing.  Well played Sir.

PS- For a lot more photo bombs go here.

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THE MAN WHO *SHOULD* BE OUR NEXT PRESIDENT.

Although I try to stay out of politics I do find it interesting.  Kind of like the way I'm interested in the person who shoves bamboo shards underneath my fingernails or shoots righteous amounts of electricity into my ball bag.  And I can't remember ever having seen any candidate - past or present - where I say to myself 'Oh shit.  That's the guy for the job!'  But that all changed today.  In this political season I've found the guy who should be our next president - Bob.  He operates a web site - Drinking With Bob - where he posts rants about different topics; some political, some not.  But, shit-dang, I love his take on things.  So I don't know what you Bitches are doing for the election, but I'm writing in "Bob."  Suck on that Ohio!

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PS- Keep an eye on his t-shirts in the different videos.  Brilliant sonofabitch.

PSS- After watching about 5 of his "rants" you'll be doing his cool down at the end with him.  

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5 RANDOM PICTURES THAT MADE ME SHIT BRICKS.

I come across some crazy shit while I'm groping my way across the world wide web.  But it's how I got my Vietnamese bride - Chow Chow Chick A Pee - and how I was able to make my penis three inches longer (in that order).  So it's not all sour grapes and pancake tits.  For one reason or another I shit bricks when I saw these pictures.  

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Bitch really let herself go.  Dayum.

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Old pic but Jersey fags are the white equivalent of ghetto prom.

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Cookie Monster is a prick after he's been hittin' the pipe.

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Says it all really.

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Another fucking reason to fucking hate fucking clowns.

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TAXES HURT MY SPHINCTER - PART 6

Sweet salutations WTCCTR faithful.  I'm back with the next installment of the movie "Freedom To Fascism," a little ditty about the governments legal authority (or lack thereof) to tax our income.  The clip below shows what happens when the IRS decides they want to audit your records; and has a scene with a Congressman years before he became well known for trying out a run for the presidency - Ron Paul.  It also goes on to give a different view on debt and credit than you're used to: the money you owe (for your house and car and to American Express) - and those "good credit scores" you chase - make you Uncle Sam's salad tosser. That's why I will only borrow money from family and friends. The 0% interest rate is pretty sweet; except with my Uncle Irving who charged me a pack of Lucky Strikes and made me shave off half his moustache (long story) for $50 I borrowed once.  Well... I didn't really "borrow" it... he gave it to me in a card for my 13th birthday.  But I guess I always knew he marched to a different drummer.  Like when he had me help him bury a dead goat in a field at 4:30am one morning and tell me if I ever mentioned it to anyone I'd "dance the two step like a virgin with a hateful cooter."  So, since I'm mentioning it now, if I don't update here for more than two days; have the authorities check all the dance clubs for a manly looking broad with a dirty crotch.  Stay strong.

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PS- previous posts on this topic are here.

 

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YOU WON'T SEE THIS ON ANY OLYMPIC HIGHLIGHTS.

So there was this big uproar when the olympics began about all the human rights abuses in China; how China oppresses it's people, so we should boycott the games.  And I'll go on record as saying fascism pretty much sucks.  But there are some things about it that are pretty cool.  Like how it handles people who act like dicks and start demanding stuff...

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Chow mein for bitches.

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Tip o' the hat to all the fine gentlemen and fanciful ladies out there in the WTCCTR audience.  The week is over and it didn't suck.  A little work, a little beer, solved a few crimes, mastered the stop-a-fan-with-my-tongue trick - finally!  One more trip to the emergency room and I would have won a free sponge bath.  But that's not important now.  Frothy nipples wait in the wings!

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Ok, this is Hillary Fisher.  She's a 24 year old Playboy model and student from Georgia.  Aside from her obvious assets, she's pretty interesting: she's getting a degree in baking and pastry arts for the love of sweet pootietang... and her hero is Martha Stewart!  Ain't that some shit.  Hey Hillary, I'll have a muffin and two cupcakes!  F-yeah baby... that's how I roll.  More pics of her here.  

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The brew tonight is Arrogant Bastard Ale by Stone Brewery.  It's made in California so I'm doing a review without actually having drank the damn beer.  Like the entry I did for Westvleteren 12 , this is one musty maltey mother that's on my wish list.  I'm trying to track it down through a local distributor but for tonight I'm going with Beer Advocate's A rating - "outstanding."  Fucker.

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The tune I'm hoping will blow your rectum out is called "Savior" by the band Skillet.  Yet another Christian rock band for chrissakes.  They're from Memphis, Tennessee.  If I didn't know they were a rock band I'd say they played bluegrass or some kind of kumbaya crapola - they have that short-bus look in their eyes.  But, hey, they've been around for awhile and even have a few Grammy nominations.  Christian, recognized by the industry and yet, somehow, they manage not to suck balls.  Huh.  

"Savior"

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That's all for now.  Summer is winding down so enjoy the weekend - fart on the grill, cannon ball the public pool, and take hits off a bong carved out of your favorite fruit!  I'm a big fan of pineapple.  Stay strong Bitches.

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TOP 10 MOST CAFFINATED DRINKS IN THE HISTORY OF YOUR MOTHER.

Salutations Bitches.  Caffeine is proof that God exists and loves us as His chosen people.  So in that spirit I present the ten most caffinated beverages.  These are to be consumed in no particular order even though my personal preference is to rifle through from number ten down to one.  Just be sure to have a buddy around to peel you off the ceiling and call 911.

10. JOLT ENDURANCE SHOT - 254mg caffeine/100ml

Ahh... Jolt... you've come a long way baby.

 9. UPSHOT ENERGY SHOT - 270mg caffeine/100ml

Served at fine service stations everywhere.

 8. FUEL CELL - 305mg caffeine/100ml

Comes in berry, lemon, green tea, and orange ass.

 7. STOK - 308mg caffeine/100ml

My personal favorite.  Blast a few of these into your morning coffee and your pants will literally shoot off your body.

 6. POWERSHOT - 333mg caffeine/100ml

If New Jersey were an energy shot, it would be this.  The douche bag of energy drinks.

 5. CHARGE SUPER SHOT - 339mg caffeine/100ml

You don't have a hair on your ass if you don't fire back a six pack o' these little beauties in one sitting.

 4. EXTREME ENERGY 6 HOUR SHOT - 373mg caffeine /100ml

It's not really 6 hours of energy, more like 60 minutes after having done an 8-ball.

 3. MANA ENERGY POTION - 400mg caffeine/100ml

For those little Harry Potter fans who want to get a head start on stunting their growth.

 2. REDLINE POWER RUSH - 473mg caffeine/100ml

A good quality, reliable energy shot.  It'll get you there and back... and there again... and back again... and there again... you get the idea.

 1. AMMO - 570mg caffeine/100ml

It's not actually a liquid you drink but caffeine in a .22 caliber bullet that you fire into your skull.

So there they are.  If none of these pump your nads you can just go to BulkNurtition.com and order a big old tub of powdered caffeine (100 grams for $4) that you can mix with anything you want.  Just try to stay under taking 400mg in one sitting to avoid sending your heart into a fatal arrhythmia that could kill you.  Cheers!

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