SHAMWOW IS BEING A BITCH

Billy Mays Hayes sells this knife sharpener called the Samurai Shark.  It takes dull shit and makes it fucking sharp as hell.  It's so fucking sharp it can cut through a Sham-Wow like a bitch.  Don't believe me?  Check this shit out motherf*cker.  Stay strong... and sharp as fuck.

BAILOUTS AND BOOBAGES

Salutations to my fellow chimpanzee lovers out there.  Of course we're all aware by now that the country is going to hell in a hand basket... tied to an anvil... that's welded to a pot bellied stove.  And, I don't know about you, but I'm not exactly sure what the christ is going on.  I don't understand what caused the housing market to "collapse."  Nor do I get how a trillion dollar bailout is going to make everything better.  So tonight I'm posting this informative joint about how this whole douchebag of a financial crisis got started.  It's a little long - 10 minutes - but does a great job of explaining how the ass raping that is our current economic situation got started.

And now I'm going to post a fresh pic of some righteous boobs... just to mellow shit out a little.  You know... kind of like having a beer after doing a line of coke... or something like that.  Stay liquid you maniacs.

Technorati Tags: bailout, financial crisis, angela, sommers, boobages, bank failures, aig, economic, crisis, obama, hannity, octomom, retail rectums

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator

THE OCULAR PENETRATION ACT OF 2007.

I'm coming out of hiding to raise awareness for an issue which is sure to become worse in this tough economy.  It's something I've tried to turn a blind eye to (no pun intended) but when I walk out my door and see retirees and indigents being victimized, I gotta speak out.  So watch this short video of the proposed legislation aimed at stopping this brewing epidemic.  Then call your Congressman.  Get involved.  Stop ocular penetration goddammit.  Stay strong.

 

Technorati Tags: ocular penetration, skull fuck, babe, beer, tune, bailout, gm, stimulus, obama, crabcake fistula

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator

THE E*TRADE KID IS AWESOME.

I love this kid.  

Technorati Tags: etrade baby, humor, finance, superbowl commercial, bailout, tarp, funding stimulus

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator

FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Wha... where am I??  Whoa.  Sorry about not being around for the last few days.  I'm sure you maniacs managed without me.  After all, Al Gore's internet is a rich, interactive environment which puts the world's libraries and knowledge at your fingertips.  Oh, and a crazy amount of tits.  And just FYI - if you're gonna drop acid and do whippets, pre-plan your way home.  

-

Yeah.  I'm not messing around this week.  Michelle Panzarella was a Cybergirl of the Week for Playboy and recently appeared as Playmate of the Month in the current (55th Anniversary) edition of Playboy.  Other than that, the only thing I could find out about her was that... ready?... she has two kids.  Yup.  So here's to you Michelle.  And to breastfeeding until you're 43.  More pics of her here.  (You're welcome Jbird).

-

Rolling Rock Extra Pale Ale is on tap tonight.  I hadn't had it in awhile and so I went into this weeks "tasting" with a clean palliate, so to speak.  I've always liked RR's packaging and unique green bottle which makes me want to like this beer.  Then I drank it.  It's a flat, bitter beer with an aftertaste of a car trunk.  After three sips I smashed it over my genitals just so I would enjoy it more.  Beer Advocate rates this bitch a C- ... "not worthy."  I agree Mr. Beer Advocate.  Ptoowy!

-

This is intheclear.  They're a straight-up heavy rock band out of Louisville, Kentucky.  And they're awesome.  They've toured with Staind, Chevelle, Sevendust, and Days of the New.  You've probably never heard of them but you should get some of their tunage.  It'll smoke your balls off.  The tune featured is entitled "Dead Roses."  Now, if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go stand outside for a bit.  My balls are making it look like a Texas barbecue basement cookout in the old home office here.  Stay strong.

"Dead Roses"

Technorati Tags: babe, beer, tune, humor, finance, michelle panzarella, rollling rock pale ale, intheclear, dead roses, armpits, balls, smoking balls, obama, bailout, bush, bucktoothed penis, flying spaghetti monster, fsm

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator

WANT TO SHIT YOUR PANTS?

Hey, guess what?  That pesky little "bail out" for $820 BILLION isn't really going as planned.  It seems that right before the Fed handed over those big, sweaty wads of cash to the banks it eradicated a tax law that prevented them from buying other financial intuitions.  So?  Well, that means all that money that was supposed to be loaned to small businesses and Joe the Plumber to do business, pay employees, and buy goods is now going towards AIG getaways, executive bonuses, and consuming other banks.  What does all this REALLY mean?  Put on a pair of old underwear and check this shit out...

The German sub-titles are there to make sure you understand what you're hearing in case you can't fucking believe your ears with the English.  Stay strong.

Technorati Tags: humor, finance, dollar, us dollar, collapse, bailout, AIG, the Fed, Joe the Plumber, underwear, German, genital wartation

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator

THE BAILOUT SCAM, MCCAIN'S PIMP HAND, AND EPIC PORN

Kind of a mixed bag of topics tonight because I'm in a weird mood. Let's just say my day started with me jerking off in front of a window like a goddam monkey.  It was downhill from there.  So let's get on with the random-ness.

-

Hey, remember that pesky little $820 BILLION "bail out" we had awhile back?  Yeah?  Well, turns out the banks that are getting the money - and who are supposed to be using it to give loans to people - are using it to acquire other banks instead.  NYT article here.  Sounds like this bail out was the same as giving $20 to your 16 year old daughter on Friday night and telling her to save it for college.  These kind of stories make me glad I never went to prison - I hate getting f-ed in the A.

-

McCain is having some Palin problems.  Bitch flipped the script! 

-

And just to chill shit out after some finance and politics I thought we'd go to the porn.  In this film, "My Sister's Hot Friend," I don't think the "hot friend" is using the 'hard to get' approach - a mating strategy I've had a lot of experience with.  I'm not going to go into all the subtleties of getting past it; but lets just say you can avoid a lot of the flirty little kicks to the groin and screams of Bug off you fucking creep! with a gentlemanly tip o' the cap and the introduction of yourself as Lord Throbbington IV. Ta for now Chaps.  

Technorati Tags: bailout, new york times, chocolate news, comedy central, redtube, my sister's hot friend, porn, pimps, bitches, hos, lord throbbington IV

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator

RON PAUL'S REVOLUTION ISN'T POLITICAL IT'S...

Schiff-er-riffic!  As in Peter Schiff.  As in financial.  Schiff is Ron Paul's financial guru and they've been screaming for us to watch out for this mess we're now in for years.  Schiff even wrote a book entitled, "Crash Proof: How To Profit From The Coming Economic Collapse"  back in February 2007.  And in the following clip he's forecasting our current shit storm... oh yeah, this interview was done TWO YEARS AGO!

-

-

And here's the Schiffer from just a few days ago basically telling everyone to take their money and run like hell.

-

Ok, so that was about as relaxing as a prostate exam.  But don't worry you nutty bastards because coming up tomorrow: Babe, Beer, and a Tune.  Get ready for some additional inflation... in your pants!

Technorati Tags: peter schiff, ron paul, revolution, bailout, wall street, babe, beer, tune, humor, finance, gold, silver, austrian economics, financial, mongrel piss

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator

WALL STREET'S GREED HAS A FACE... AND IT'S EATING KNUCKLE SANDWICHES.

This whole financial crisis continues to spiral out of control and now it's extending to Europe as some of their banks are getting dragged under our wave of shit.  But, today, Wall Street's greed was given a face when Dick Fuld, the ex-CEO of Lehman Brothers, testified in front of Congress.  Chairman Waxman was pressing on Dick to justify his $480 million in compensation over the last 5 years while his company went down the toilet.  Now, I'm not a bright dude.  Handsome?  Yes.  Charming?  Yeah.  Ninja warrior when it comes to affairs of the heart?  Uh... yes.  But I'm not too bright.  Still, even I know this schmuck is being arrogant and condescending.  That's right... I'm calling bullshit.  I mean, really.  Talking slower and repeating what the Congressman just asked you isn't a fucking answer.  Does he think that "Joe Sixpack" is too dumb to not know the difference?  Or is he just trying to buy time because he's been caught with his hand in the cookie jar?  Here's the video:

America is a capitalistic society.  People are motivated by money.  If I was in this guy's position I would have taken the money just like he did.  I don't have a problem with that.  What I do have a problem with is good old Dick Fuld and all Lehman Brother's shareholders taking responsibility for their actions.  We didn't get any of this dude's $480 million salary when the company was doing good so why should we have to pay $700 billion when his company shits the bed?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?  Corporate welfare is just as bad as regular welfare.  Except, instead of giving some unemployed, single mother a check for $800/month we're basically letting Dick Fuld walk away with $480 million and zero responsibility - legally or financially.  And I'm not the only one who is super-pissed about this whole thing.  Seems like Dick didn't make any friends with his testimony, and he ended up getting a big fat punch in the nose.  

-

Still, Dick Fuld's fat lip doesn't make me feel a whole heck of a lot better.  In fact, I'm still mad as hell - and you should be too.  Get mad and stay strong.

Technorati Tags: bailout, finance, cash, humor, fuld, waxman, testimony, mad as hell, network, personal responsibility, corporate welfare, jesus christ, sno-cones

Tags created with Ukion Tag Generator