BOOBS AND A BOWL OF STAGNANT WATER

Happy Saturday Maniacs.  I'm kinda freewheelin' it tonight because I've been huffing paint fumes all day, which has made me a little cock-eyed.  To be honest, I've even had an erection that's lasted more than four hours.  And you know what?  I ain't gonna do shit about it.  That's right Bucko.  I'm not calling my doctor or anyone.  If you know me you're not surprised at all because you know danger is my business.  Uhhh... ok, where was I?  Oh, boobs...

This is a pic of Playmate of the Year 2008 Sara Jean Underwood.  It's from a new set of pictures of her, which you can see in their entirety here.  Maybe this has something to do with the four hour erection... hmmmm... I dunno.

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Next up is a random picture I ran across today that made me chuckle so much I skidded my underwear.  I'm telling you... there are some funny fuckers out there.  Whacked out on drugs and STD medications but still funny.

Technorati Tags: sara jean underwood, skynet, frank, STD, budget, crapulosity, van halen, giant tits

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THIS IS *EXACTLY* WHERE YOUR TAX DOLLARS ARE GOING.

It's that wonderful time of year again where Uncle Sam puts one hand in your pocket and the other in a clenched fist squarely around your nuts... and still manages to stick a thumb up your ass just for fun.  So when I found this dollar-by-dollar breakdown of where your tax dollars are going I knew you and your funky nuts would be fucking into it.  So take a deep breath, cough, and prepare for the ass-raping enjoyment that is your federal income tax, you incredible maniacs.  Stay strong.

Technorati Tags: taxes, income tax, federal, state, nancy grace, wwtdd, american idol, simon cowell

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QUITE POSSIBLY THE GREATEST THING EVER SAID.

Yeah, that's right.  This guy to the left.  Sure, he was in the Blade movies with Wesley Snipes, which moved his cool factor from a -7 to about a 1 - which still puts him solidly pansy in my book.  But there's a new article in Rolling Stone this month about good old Kris, and a run-in he had with Toby Keith.  

Kris Kristofferson was backstage at Willie Nelson's 70th birthday party several years ago.  While everyone waited in the wings to go on, Toby Keith walks by and says, "Hey Kris, none of that left shit out there tonight."

At that moment in time, Keith had a monster radio hit about bombing America's enemies back into the Stone Age.

Kristofferson said "What did you just say to me?" and stepped to Keith; Willie muttered something about not getting Kris riled up.  Then Kris, an Army vet during the 60's, got in Keith's face and asked, "Have you ever killed another man?  Huh?  Have you ever taken another man's life and then cashed the check your country gave you for doing it?  No, you have not, so shut the fuck up."

Mr. Keith replied, "What?" and Kristofferson said, "Don't 'what' me, boy!  You heard the question.  You just don't like the answer.  I asked, 'Have you ever served your country?'  The answer is, 'No, you have not.'"  And then, right there in front of Ray Charles, Norah Jones, and Willie Nelson, Kristofferson told Toby Keith... "You don't know what the fuck you are talking about!"

Willie, of course, was trying not to laugh.  At the end he said, "Waylon Jennings always used to say, 'Those kind of people did for country music what pantyhose did for finger-fucking.'"

Take a moment to drink in the absolute sublime perfection of that last line.  Who knew Waylon Jennings was such a goddam brilliant orator.

Technorati Tags: willie nelson, waylon jennings, toby keith, rolling stone, kris kristoferson, iraq, iran, withdraw, stimulus, boob rockets

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THIS ISN'T HOW I REMEMBER HIM

I know it's been awhile since I've watched Seasame Street, but I don't remember Bert being this pissed-off looking.  Seriously.  Looks like he's on big-time steroids too.  Ernie is probably lying in a puddle of his own piss and shit in the corner.

Technorati Tags: sesame street, bert, humor, finance, buffet, north korea, missles, bidet, crapulation

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IT'S A LONG WAY TO THE TOP BITCHES.

Howdy ho people.  It's been awhile since I last posted.  But that doesn't mean I'm not out there scanning the internets for you maniacs.  It's just that I haven't found anything worth posting lately.  I almost posted a bit about how AIG is like the Titanic (i.e., "too big to fail") but then I thought, 'Cripes, I'm turning into David Brinkley for the love of sweet little Jesus' baby nuts.'  So, when I came across this old AC/DC video, the little man in my loins went all David Carruso on my ass.  By the way, the guitar riff at the beginning of this song is so fucking great it made my nipples smoke.  True story.  Anyway, the video is about 5 minutes long so you'll have to watch the whole thing be absorb the full awesomeness of it.  Stay strong.

Technorati Tags: ac/dc, it's a long way, humor, finance, tits, obama, stimulus, aig, rihanna, chris brown, jesus christ, angioplasty, domestic violence rocks

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MR BERGIS DOESN'T WANT TO INTEGRATE NASCAR

I don't watch NASCAR.  But I do love prank phone calls... and anytime someone hops on the phone for and starts jerkin' someone's chain - I'm in.  This prank call has been around for years, but's it's still goddam precious.  ... Yeah, that's right... I'm saying it.  It's fantastical too.  And sublime.  I'm just trying to relate to all the NASCAR fans out there... sheesh.

Technorati Tags: nascar, snoop dog, queen latifah, lesbian love scene, mccain, stimulus, rush limbaugh, steele, butter the love muffin

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CASH FOR SPERM

I've been seriously training to become a professional sperm donor since I was 13 years old.  Every day, with the dedication of an Olympic swimmer, I'd go to my room and practice for hours on efficiently delivering mass quantities of sperm to meet the crushing demands of the market.  And now... pfft, get this... I'm not friggin' eligible.  I'm probably the most prolific sperm donor in the Northern hemisphere and I'm being shut out just because I'm too old and short, have bad genetics, not enough education, and have ingested some questionable substances over the years.  Can you believe that?!? What the hell man?!?  Well, I'm going to show them.  I've just turned my finished basement into my very own mastubatorium.  That's right.  I'm starting my own sperm bank!  Take that Quivering Nads Sperm Dispensary!  ... Anyway, if you're interested in trying to earn $30-$50 every time you bust out some knuckle babies, check this out.

Technorati Tags: ass crackers, jerking off, masturbate, masturbation, rush limbaugh, sperm donor

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