Ok, so you fuckers are gonna have to bear with me. I scorched the shit out of my taint in a testicle enhancement procedure gone wrong. I'll be back on Tuesday, December 9th. Until then.... be potent and stay strong.
Technorati Tags: humor, finance, money, cash, flip side, stand by, shut your face, testicle enhancement, crotch creams
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As a follow up to yesterday's post, tonight's entry is some practical tips to help you save money. Let's face it, when the dollar is worth 1/10 of what it's worth now - and a loaf of bread costs as much as a day's pay - we're all going to become some frugal sonsabitches. I mean, I've already cut back my Brazilian bikini waxes to twice a month. Pretty soon I'll have to give them up all together; and that's when the old pubes choke my groinal region like a gnarly patch of bramble. And no one is really in favor of that.
Here's another interview with Peter Schiff. He's the guy who predicted this whole housing bubble and financial collapse about two years ago; when other financial analysts were literally laughing at him. In this vid he's basically summing up how we ended up in this fiscal nightmare and the path out. It's about a six minute clip and I encourage you to watch the whole thing... so when you're sleeping in an old refrigerator box you'll understand why. OH, and I'll be the guy next to you wearing 4 layers of coats, asking you if you're going to eat that. Stay strong.
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Once upon a time, Steve Martin was the most hilarious motherfuc*er you'd ever heard. Here he is before he became incredibly pussified in movies like "Parenthood" and "The Pink Panther."
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Ok. Here's the deal. The 80's had some of the best music in the history of your mother. And the new millennium has some of the best bands ever. Yeah, that's right. Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin, U2, Jimmi Hendrix... they can all suck my donut holder. All you Zeppelin fans just stop your convulsing and accept the fact that they suck. They do. I hate to be the one to break it to you but it's true. Stairway to Heaven is for fags. The sooner you accept it the better off you'll be. Moving on.
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The news today was dominated by the prospective bailout of the auto industry. While Paulson and Bernanke didn't seem to set the bar too high to hand out $300 billion to a bunch of bankers (86% of which was spent on bonuses), the car guys need to submit a "plan" for the cash. I don't think anyone should be getting bailed out but if you're going to give billions to a bunch of white collar pricks who only use their hands to jerk you off; then why are the blue collar guys who actually make something with their hands getting a hard time? Once again, my buddy Bob sums it up perfectly. Stay strong.
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And this is why they call me Mr. Saturday Night. If you've never awoke to this scene... well... then... you're just not living! Stay strong.
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Hey, guess what? That pesky little "bail out" for $820 BILLION isn't really going as planned. It seems that right before the Fed handed over those big, sweaty wads of cash to the banks it eradicated a tax law that prevented them from buying other financial intuitions. So? Well, that means all that money that was supposed to be loaned to small businesses and Joe the Plumber to do business, pay employees, and buy goods is now going towards AIG getaways, executive bonuses, and consuming other banks. What does all this REALLY mean? Put on a pair of old underwear and check this shit out...
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I'll level with you: I'm not a religious dude. Except for that time in Tijuana when I ate some spunky peyote at a donkey show, I never really believed in some 2000 year old carpenter who wasn't good at dodging the law. Maybe if there was some kind of alternative Jesus I could better relate to. Hmmm...
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I don't know about you but I'm having a little patriotism hangover after all the recent clusterf*ck to the White House. And the only way I know how to handle a hangover is a little hair of the dog. So tonight I'm posting an inspiring rendition of Amazing Grace. It's not exactly a patriotic song but it sort of feels that way. So grab the tissues and buckle up for the most ghetto-liscious, cracked-out rendition of Amazing Grace you've ever heard. Hang with it until the end - there's a big fucking finish. Stay strong.
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I thank the baby Jesus I was born with talent and good looks because they facilitated my learning the devastating ninja skills I enjoy today. I mean, a ninja army won't follow some ugly, bumbling hack. Er.. what was I... oh yeah - talent. The kid featured tonight is Sungha Jung and he's an 11 year old guitar prodigy who's able to make his instrument sing, which I understand completely. I don't mean to brag but I've been known to play a pretty mean skin flute. Yeah, it's reduced grown men - and ninjas - to tears. So anyway, here's Sungha playing "Smells Like Teen Spirit." If you like it check out more of his video's here. He's got like 200 posted on YouTube. Stay strong and keep strokin'.
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Well, the day is finally here. After almost two long years we go to cast our vote on Tuesday. Everyone should vote. It's the only way our republic can work properly (America is a republic, NOT a democracy). In all of this mess of what amounted to a cluster fuck to the White House there was only one guy who made any sense to me. I don't want to be all dramatic about it but I think, like Abraham Lincoln, he was the only true Republican running for office this year.
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In addition to spending most of the day hungover sitting in a pile of my own waste I've been watching the Sunday news shows and reading a lot of the newspapers: CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, NBC, The New York Times, the AP, the Wall Street Journal, even Conde Nast Traveller (I guess they cover politics now). Of course, the big topic among all of them is the presidential campaign. The promises, the plans, who's going to cut taxes, who's going to raise taxes, who's tough on terror, Iran's nuclear program, pre-conditions, voter fraud, voter disenfranchisement, vice presidential picks, the national debt, withdrawal plans, Saturday Night Live, one world order, your mother, my mother, blah, blah, blah... It took me all day but I eventually found the one piece of video that sums it ALL up perfectly:
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Today is a re-post from February of a joke some guys played on their roommate. They set up a camera and played a recording of a shotgun being fired. I don't know what it is about watching some kid trying to avoid gunfire that tickles my funny bone but, goddam, this shit makes me giggle. Stay strong... and safe.
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