THE GREATIST FOOTBALL SPEECH IN THE HISTORY OF YOUR MOTHER!

Around this same time every year, when a bunch of monstrous dudes start chasing an oblong ball made from dead animal skin around 100 yards of turf like a bunch of fucking maniacs; I'll watch the greatest football speech ever made.  No, not Vince Lombardi.  It's a speech by Al Pacino in the movie Any Given Sunday, just before the big game.  It's just about the most goddam inspiring thing I've ever seen in the history of my awesome life - and that's counting the time I watched an armless stripper pick up $48 in $1's at the end of her set.  She, like Pacino, knew that life is a game of inches.  Watch.  Watch and grow awesome you fantastic bastards.

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PS - If this clip doesn't motivate you to do something - anything! - email me so I can find you and slap the shit out of you.

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WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK! ... WONDER WOMAN AND MAGNUM PI

I've never had the pleasure of being attacked by an animal.  I don't count the time my cousin Nippy threw the raw chicken breast at me, even though it did poke me in the eye.  And from the looks of these videos, if you don't have Amazon strength or a black friend with a helicopter, you're pretty much shit out of luck.  Stay squirrley.

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DOUCHEBAGS.

Douchebags.  They're everywhere.  So tonight I thought I'd do a small pictorial tribute to them.  Now, I favor the Jersey douchebag - so those are who's being featured tonight.  But there are A LOT of varieties: plain, educated, nice.  I suppose the Jersey douchebag is a subset of the plain douchebag.  I'm not sure about that though.  I'll have to consult my local douchebag guy.  Anyway, here dey go... in no particular order:

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A whole flock of them.  Here they confront their observers and display their bright plumage.

A little "how to" for all the kids out there aspiring to douchebaggery.

Douchebag defined.

The douchebaggery is strong with this one.

Larry, Curly, Vinny VonTanalot.

Yup.  All these dudes are voting... and procreating.  Sleep tight.  

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Happy Friday you Fags.  All week I've been posting to help get us through this financial shit storm that's swirling all over us.  Tonight is no different.  It just happens to be a regular feature.  Tits ahoy!

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Jillian Beyor is the righteous babe for this week.  She's your standard bikini model who was born in the north east but moved to Florida.  She had a brief stint on tv on the Beauty and the Geek tv show.  I think she was one of the beauties.  Whoopdefriggindo.  Oh, and she's also the Playboy Model of the Year in 2008.  Now we're cookin' with Crisco!  More boob-a-liscious pics of her here.

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Bass Pale Ale is tonight's sudsy goodness.  I haven't had Bass in awhile so when I had it tonight I was pleasantly surprised.  It had a nice mild flavor and a smooth finish.  Big thumbs up for me.  Or maybe it was the exotic dancers that were rumping it up in front of me that made it so delicious.  I really can't remember.  But if you do try Bass I recommend having it with strippers... somehow strippers make everything better.  Beer Advocate rates Bass a B- ... "worthy."

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Righteous tunage for tonight is "Enemy" by Madside.  They are a straight-up rock band from Redding, CA.  Another band with a disaffected album photo.  Everyone should tell these rock bands that trying to look tough has the exact opposite effect.  These guys looks tough.  BUT... Madside kicked out a nifty little ditty so... 

Ok Shitheels... this week of financial awfulness is over.  If you haven't already, crack a brew and brace for the next 7 days.  My bung is already at maximum pucker.  Stay strong.

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ZACH GALIFIANAKIS SMOKES KANYE WEST.

Tonight we try to assuage our searing anal rape-age by Wall Street and this pesky little 'buy out' with the healing power of music.  

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Zach Galiflankilisis is a modern-day Andy Kaufman - so ahead of his time that a lot of people don't "get" what he's doing.  On the flip side, Kanye West is an idiot.  He's one of these guys who raps and thinks that because he can steal hooks from other musicians and rhyme words like "stuipdly" and "jewelery" he's some kind of goddamed prophet.  So, without further adieu, "Can't Tell me Nothin'."

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GEORGE BRETT SHIT HIS PANTS.

All this week I'm focusing on strategies to help us deal with the cratering economic disaster.  Monday was cleavage.  Yesterday was tips on how to stay calm.  Tonight's strategy is this: count your blessings.  Instead of thinking about how you'll now have to work until age 78 before you can retire, try and concentrate on the things you're blessed with.  Take, for example... oh... I don't know... um... well, like not having a huge "double tapered" shit nesting in your grape smuggler (ie., underwear), like George Brett.  Honestly, I don't even know what the hell a "double tapered shit" is but it sounds like good old George has some major league fecal issues on his hands - literally.  Stay strong... and continent.

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EVERYONE STAY CALM!

In light of the impending economic doom I'm using this week's posts to calm the rising tensions and remind people of what's really important.  Yesterday was cleavage.  Today it's tips on how to stay calm.  Serenity now you Bitches!  The end is extremely fucking nigh!  Uh... er... I mean, everything is going to be just fine.  For fuck's sake.  

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CLEAVAGE IS OUR FRIEND.

I'm tired of watching my retirement account piss it's way to zero and hear politicians blast each other about how ass-tastic the other guy is.  So tonight I'm going back to basics, and one of those basics is cleavage.  Yup.  Cleavage proves God loves us and wants us to be happy.  So here are five pretty nifty cleavages-es (I'm not sure what the plural of cleavage is so blow me).

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Taken on a trip to Wildwood, NJ.  In this photo she's asking me for the sand shovel and a cigarette.  What a scamp!

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This was the woman who sold me my spoon warmers.  I still don't know what the Christ I'm supposed to do with them but I have masturbated in front of them a few times.

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Another one of my old girlfriends.  Megan started to get a little clingy so I had to give her the It's-not-me-it's-you speech.  She was pretty upset.  Poor kid.

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Taken just before she and I met "the family."  Let me just say I was caught a little off guard by the insanity.

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I'm not 100% sure who this woman was but I bought her a new car.

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That's all for now you nut jobs.  May the rest of your week be filled with tits and fortune!

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ECONOMIC PROBLEMS SOLVED.

The economy is rapidly heading down the shitter.  One reason is that other countries no longer need to use US dollars to buy oil (up until 2000 countries needed our money to buy oil, but that's changing).  The other is that letting the market (i.e., Wall Street) regulate itself without any oversight whatsoever is like telling a fat kid to watch your box of fudge sickles until you get back.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  So, this Friday, I'm air-dropping my man Bob here into the Presidential debates.  The Democrats, Republicans, and prick-ey Wall Street CEO's are on notice: Bob is up your ass now Bitches.

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FRIDAY'S ... uh... SATURDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Ahoy there Bitches!  Heh... sorry about missing the post yesterday.  My CIA informant contacted me about a mission to the embassy in Green Island... and... well... uh... let's just say it was called "Operation Dildo."  Enough said on that.  But a babe, beer, and tune one day late is better than no babe, beer, or tune at all.  So let's get on with it.

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Katia Corriveau.  She's an ex-playmate who is originally from Canada, which means she probably has a sexy accent... and better health care than you.  She likes middle aged guys with hair growing out of their ears who have mediocre senses of humor... well, maybe not.  But why do we have to ruin the fantasy?  Oh, and she's all natural.  No silicone or botox for this kanook.  If you don't believe me, take a closer look here.

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In keeping with the Canadian theme, tonight's beer is Labatt Blue.  I didn't really go looking for this malty wench but she kind of forced herself on me.  After extensive sampling I feel confident I have an accurate review: mediocre.  It tastes like a plain old beer.  No great surprises but no great disappointments either.  It's a fucking beer.  Beer Advocate rates it a C- ... "not worthy."  Yeah, not when there are a million other homeless beers who just want someone to take them home and love them.

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DoubleDrive is a band from Atlanta.  They won some dumb local awards and went on to play with some nifty bigger bands like Queensryche and Sevendust.  As you can see from the picture they have their disaffected rock look down pat.  Too bad they've already broken up.  Their song, "Imprint", didn't really blow my nads completely back.  But it's catchy.  And I like catchy shit so...

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Ok you silly fucks... time for bed.  I know you'll be up early for mass tomorrow.  Remember, you can go up for seconds in the wine line.  Trust me.  It's a proven theory. 

Technorati Tags: katia corriveau, labatt blue, doubledrive, imprint, humor, finance, babe, beer, tune, tits, canada, craptious enigma

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JIMI HENDRIX IS DEAD.

Kind of a sad day today.  September 18th, 1970 is the day Jimi Hendrix died.  He was found dead in a London flat after having taken a bunch of sleeping pills with red wine; and proceeded to choke on his own vomit.  I guess the moral of the story is that sleeping on your side might be a good idea. I mean - Criminey!  Look at me!  I'm a world-class kazoo-ist but I can handle my high... except for that time I woke up on a strange house boat missing one sock, bacon grease slathered all over my nipples, and a bunch of confetti jammed between my ass cheeks.  But that was just one time.  And no more mixing Robitussin and Jim Beam for me.  No sir.  Lesson learned.

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Anyway, here's probably the best Jimi tune in the whole wide wide world of sports.  Stay strong.

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UHHH... GUESS WHAT?

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GREEN OIL VS. BLACK OIL

Happy Tuesday to everyone out there in the WTCCTR universe!  I hope everyone is enjoying watching our financial institutions collapse around us.  I mean, there's nothing quite like seeing your retirement account steadily decline like it was your gas gauge.  And speaking of fuel, I've been hearing a lot from both candidates lately about drilling.  We gotta tap into that domestic oil supply to reduce our dependency on foreign oil!  Yup... that's what we should be doing.  Drill, drill, drill.  Then I ran across this nifty little graphic:

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(click image for larger version)

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Yeah.  Crap.  So what's the answer?  Well, T. Boon Pickens wants us to use natural gas to power our cars as an intermediate solution that would drastically cut our consumption while we look at alternative fuels.  Great!  I'm in T. Boon. ... Just show me where to buy a fucking car that runs on natural gas and I'll buy it... you dope.  Detroit isn't going to pump hundreds of millions of dollars into retooling car factories to make natural gas cars when the technology is going to obsolete within 10-20 years.  Lucky for you crazy sonsabitches I have the answer - pond scum.  Yup.  That shit will work in our existing cars and it's carbon neutral .  All we have to do is make it.  Oh, yeah, we're able to do that right now... as we speak.  If either of these candidates knew shit from shinola they would propose taxing the oil companies RECORD profits for just one year** and give it to the guy in this video:

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There.  Problem solved.  You're welcome.  Stay strong.

** IF the Federal Government had taxed the "big 5" U.S. oil companies in 2008 they would have collected $54.25 BILLION (corporate income tax rate of 35% x 2008 industry profits of $155 billion).

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ALEC BALDWIN'S TUESDAY NIGHT.

I don't know about you bitches but, compared to Alec Baldwin, my Tuesday nights suck.  I mean, I usually make a righteous pot pie, have some peanuts and coke; and settle down with my water bong to watch some Golden Girls re-runs.  BUT, I have zero chance of getting the clap from Bea Arthur.  So suck on that Alec!

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http://view.break.com/570897 - Watch more free videos

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MORE RIGHTEOUS PHOTO BOMBS.

Last month I posted some pictures of people doing a little photo bombing.  I came across a few more for your viewing pleasure.  

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Nothing like a nice afternoon between mother and daughter... and deranged lunatic.

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I believe this guy is trying to do the old dick-in-mouth gesture... or he's having a poon-induced seizure.

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I can't figure out which one of these dudes is the bigger dick cheese.

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Isn't that the dude from the Dave Matthews video who was giving out all the hugs? ... Or it's the guy who is going to murder the kitty in pink.

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Ok... see... this is a good example of why I'll be going straight to hell: I think this is absolutely the best picture in the history of the world.  I have it as my computer wallpaper and screensaver.  True story.

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Looks like work dried up for the dude from Superbad.

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Say 'hello' to Mr. Saturday Night ladies.

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Ok guys, weekend is over.  Pull your pants up and stay strong.

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OOH... THAT'S A BAD INJURY.

If you're a dude, you can feel what this little dude is saying.   I know because it happened to me.  Some guy knocked me down, took my chicken McNuggets, and... well... then this happened.

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That's how these sonsabitches operate.  You gotta protect yourself... and your nuggets.

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Salutations Bitches.  Time again to toss one off, toss one back, and toss the nearest broad.  Game on.

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Ericka Underwood.  Yup.  Ms. Underwood is a 25 year old bikini model from Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.  I don't know about you but I really don't care to know more about her than that.  Seriously.  Who cares what her 'turn ons' are and what sign she is.  She's probably annoying as fuck once she opens her pie hole.  More pics of her here.  But - just in case I meet her someday - Ericka... just kidding about all that.  I know you have a whizz-bang personality on ya.  (Hey, you never know).

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I'm going to the dark side with the beer pick this week.  Milwaukee's Best Ice.  I know.  Hardcore.  But that's how I roll.  Now, I haven't had Milwaukee's Best since college; and I've never had the high-tech "ice" version.  So I knew I was jumping in the deep end on this.  I have to say it wasn't too bad.  It wasn't good but if Russians were parachuting in and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were riding down Main Street, I'd crack a few Mil's Best Ice open.  Beer Advocate wasn't as generous as I was.  They rated it a D+ ... "avoid."  By the way, you are able to wear the can over your head like the gentleman in the picture above.  I had to strap the 6 pack on the roof of my car just to get it home.  True story.

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Band this week is Anberlin and yeah, that's them.  I shit you not.  The lead singer (I'm assuming that's the dude standing front and center) looks like my 9th grade science teacher.  He was such a zero that a kid tossed a paper airplane at him once and it actually stuck in his wonky hair-do.  Anyway, they're an alt-rock band from Winter Haven, Florida.  I know, I was blown away too... THE Winter Haven, Florida.  What the fuck.  Why do they even include that information in their bio?  Why don't they say they're from Ballsack, USA and just get it over with.  Cool tune tho.  It's "Godspeed."  

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9/11 TRIBUTE.

For all the guys who went in when everyone else was running out.  And the 343 who never left.

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LET'S FIGHT!

Ever have one of those days where you feel squirrely as hell and just want to get in a fight?  Well, I'm having one today.  For some reason I woke up and just wanted to kick the living fuck out of someone.  Or have someone bash my balls in.  Either way would have done the trick.  So I go all day gritting my teeth just looking for trouble.  Then I get home and start watching videos about fighting and reading General Patton quotes.  Before I know it I'm throwing myself down the stairs and using my ball sack like a speed bag.  And that's no joke when you're sporting fists of fury like mine.  So here is a picture, video, and a few words of wisdom on how to absolutely kick ass.  Stay strong.

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"...we as attackers have the initiative, we know exactly what we are going to do, while the enemy is ignorant of our intentions and can only parry our blows. We must retain this tremendous advantage by always attacking rapidly, ruthlessly, viciously, and without rest."

- General George S. Patton Jr.

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WTCCTR - THE SOUNDTRACK - PART DEUX!

The soundtrack is back Baby!  A few months ago I posted the first joint of compiled songs from my "Friday's Babe, Beer, and a Tune" posts.  You can see that post here.  Well, the righteous tunes have piled up and now I'm back with soundtrack #2.  Youbetcha!  I mean, all of the songs are so goddam good it fucks me up a little.  I'm listening to it now and I'm getting a wicked case of the jimmy legs and have a crazy urge to sear my nipples with my iron.  I know - a sure sign of good tunage.  There is a *bummer alert* however: iTunes didn't have three of the songs so they aren't listed on the official soundtrack.  They are:

"Rock The Casbah" by TRUST COMPANY

"Take This Breath" by DEAD POETIC

"Live And Learn" by NURAL

Not having them on there is like leaving for vacation and forgetting one of your kids at home.  Goddam travesty.  If you click the songs above they'll like to my post of them but that won't get them on the iTunes soundtrack.  Balls across the nose! 

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Anyway, here's soundtrack #2.  Just click one of the songs and it will open up the audio goodness in your iTunes player.  

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Technorati Tags: babe, beer, tune, humor, finance, soundtrack, trust company, dead poetic, nural, hurt, skillet, nonpoint, throw the fight, twin method, atomship, sarah palin nude, ape balls

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TAXES HURT MY SPHINCTER - PART 7

Whoa.  Apologies up front Bitches.  I was out of town for a few days helping to catch that nutty fucker who was breaking into people's homes, rubbing spices on them, and beating them with a sausage.  Sick bastard.  But I'm back!  And I wanted to return to the video series "Freedom To Fascism," which looks at the legality of the Federal Income Tax.  My past posts on it are here but the video links are no longer working so truck on over to YouTube for the rest of them.  

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In this segment the Producer/Narrator Aaron Russo interviews my man Ron Paul and explains why you can't buy shit any more without giving up half a testicle as collateral.  ... What?  I only actually did that one time and it was with a Jamaican voodoo doctor who said he'd make my pecker "long like river."  Pfft... shit... he can have one of my nuts.  They're HUGE anyway.  I'm all balls; with a pinch of choad thrown in for embarrassments sake.  Uh... yeah... anyway... taxes...

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