THE 48 LAWS OF POWER - PART 4

I don't know about you guys but the need to crush those around me seems to tug at my heart like an Atlantic City whore.  In this exciting episode of "The 48 Laws of Power" our leader, Robert Green, touches on the art of timing, the beauty of revenge, and the dangers of the free lunch.  If you're like me you'll try to use these nifty little tips together.  Like last week when I showed up at an ex-girlfriends' at 4:oo am, pee'd on her windshield, and raided her fridge.  Funny thing though - she'd moved since we were dating.  Apologies to Mr. Bing Shoefelt and his lovely wife Joan.

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TELEMARKETER PRANK CALL.

Question: ever try to have someone sell you life insurance while you're on the crapper?  Me either.  But I did once try to fill out a DMV form while taking a dump.  Oh... it was a high-risk maneuver alright but, when you got a wang like mine, you're used to living with danger Buckos.  Now, let's get our poopin' on! 

PS - The guy in the call is comedian Tom Mabe.  He's got whole cd's full of this stuff.

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AFRO NINJA.

Combining all the awesomeness of karate with the best hairstyle of all time (rivaled only by the mullet), I give you... the Afro Ninja.  Hii-yaah Buckos!

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Greetings and salutations Buckos!  Today's babe is kind of like a bonus because I could only find video's of her... so that's what I'm posting.  Her name is Keyra Augustina.  She's some Argentinean chick who was given the title of "world's most perfect ass" by... who-knows.  After careful review I'm gonna have to vote "yes".  The mind boggling part of all her videos is that you don't ever see her face.  Her managers are either geniuses or idiots.  I'm leaning towards geniuses because I ended up watching about 47 of her videos trying to catch a glimpse of her face, but I came up snake eyes.  Yeah, it was rough but I'm ok.  Thanks.  I suppose she's not used to people looking at her face so she decided, 'Why bother?'  Anyway, the bonus is the nifty little AC/DC tune playing in the background.  Say hello to my little friend... Keyra.

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Today's beer is Mighty Weizenbock by some dork named Rodney Kibzey.  He was the 2007 winner of Sam Adams "Long Shot" contest; a joint where home brewers submit their frankensteins' to Sam Adams and the best of the bunch gets produced by Mr. Adams himself.  It's a little hoppy but is still like having Christmas in my mouth.  Yeah, you heard me.  BeerAdvocate.com rates it as B+ based on 130 reviews.  Normally I'm kind of against this kind of beer bigotry but who gives half a turd... you're going to try it anyway.

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Rounding out the fun is a little ditty called "Fiction" by Kids In The Way.  This song gives me the bass face.  So crack your weizenbock, grab an ass, and enjoy Buckos!  Weekend on!

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"Fiction"

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GODDAMMIT! HERB PETERSON IS DEAD!

It's a dark day in WTCCTR land today Buckos.  Herb Peterson - the inventor of the egg mcmuffin - died yesterday in Southern California at the age of 89.  Goddammit!  So what now?  Huh?  I mean, I don't think he came up with any other innovative breakfast sandwiches in the 36 years since he developed the egg mcmuffin, but he might have.  I mean, old "chicken tits" (as he was known to his friends) could have had a flash of inspiration and belted out another delicious-ey breakfast treat.  Shit, he could have come up with some square looking thing made with pork butt and relish or something.  The potential boggles the mind.  And now his bright light has faded into the blackness.  I've been mourning in front of my mcmuffin/laxative altar all day.  I'm submitting his name to the Bud Light Real Men of Genius campaign.  Godspeed Herb Peterson.  May your time in the afterlife be supersized.

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To leave things on a somewhat "up" note I included a McDonalds drive thru prank call.

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BEST MOVIE EVER? YUP. BEST MOVIE EVER.

Citizen Kane?  No.  It's a Wonderful Life?  Nah.  From Justin To Kelly?  Wrong again.  The best movie in the history of our squidgey little asses is The Big Lebowski by Joel and Ethan Cohn.  It's a warm-hearted tale of The Dude - a fairly lazy guy who really enjoys his days smoking spliffs and bowling.  That is, until some guys break into his apartment and piss on his carpet.  The rest of the film has him and his buddies (John Goodman as Walter and Steve Buscemi as Donny) tracking down a new rug.  I mean, shit, "it really tied the room together."  But instead of posting the trailer or some crappy clip... I posted the entire freaking thing!  Ha HA!  I mean, am I better than a roofie on prom night or what?!?  Seriously!  seriously.  **golf claps**

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If you want to watch a few scenes that give you an idea of the insane awesomeness that is The Big Lebowski just forward to: 3:50m, 7:40m, 12:15m.  Otherwise, let it play... because every minute is like hug from Jesus.  Ok Buckos, silence those cell phones and strap in!

PS - If you want to see the larger version go here

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PETER NGUYEN IS MY HERO

Short post today since I spent most of the day tromping around in the woods flinging buckets of water and pushing logs around.  It's a long story but let me just recommend that you not get involved in a game of craps with a guy named "Pinky" who has a tear-drop tattoo on his face.

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The picture on the left is of an essay a Mr. Peter Nguyen wrote for Mr. Farlow's honors english class.  Click on it to get the bigger picture.  I have to assume that the teacher's comment on the bottom, "Peter, please see me," is so he can properly thank Peter for an eloquent and informative contribution to the Walt Whitman discourse.

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Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go call my mother and tell her I love her.  And remember Buckos: craps - bad.  "Pinky" - really bad.  

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THE 48 LAWS OF POWER - PART 3

Today's entry is the third part of my series summarizing Robert Greene's book, "The 48 Laws of Power." In the previous two videos, found here and here, I explained how I used his ideas to combat bullies trying to light my face on fire, and how it's enabled me to completely rule over my wang. Well, in this part there are some whiz-bang tips that include creating a cult! I dabbled in this a few years ago when I got some folks to believe that the end of the world was coming and us true believers would be rescued by giant space aliens shaped like nipples. The whole thing didn't go very far because the whole "cult" was just a few of my friends who smoked a lot of pot. And I was on a bad acid trip at the time. ... Now that I think about it, it only lasted a few hours until we sobered up... but those few hours were intense as shit. And I was definitely the leader. Mostly because it was my mom's house and I knew where she kept the Hot Pockets. Rule on Buckos!

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ROMANCE TIP #1

It's Sunday... and that means romance.  My romantical abilities are fairly legendary so it takes some restraint to save them all for one day.  But Sunday always comes; and I wake up bursting odes to angels on clouds and candy hearts covered in chocolate cream.  More than once it's brought a tear to the eye of others.  And that's today's secret of romance I'll let you fantastic bastards in on - tenderness.  It's all about the tenderness.  The video below is a short, simple example of what I'm talking about.  Watch and grow awesome Buckos.

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THE EASTER BUNNY IS A POT-SMOKING PAGAN

I suppose another Easter is upon us.  Whoopdie-freakin-doo as far as I'm concerned Buckos.  The Easter Bunny is in my Tooth Fairy category - a D-list holiday icon.  And whoever came up with a bunny handing out eggs as a representative for the resurrection of Jesus is high.  Or a pagan.  Or both.  Which is worse... way worse.  So for those of you who, like me, are sucked into some holiday family function tomorrow that involves egg hunts and that crazy bunny - I have a plan for us: bong hits and body paint.  Yup.  you got it.  If you can't beat 'em, join 'em I say.  I'm going to be the wildest, most pagan-est Easter-loving bastard you're ever going to see.  Those 2 year-olds are going to have their hands full when I roll into this egg hunt baked and painted and ready to party.   So who's with me?  

ps - don't forget to bring six pack to mellow out your buzz.  You don't want to get caught sobering up with an egg roll race staring you in the face.  *Hey, that's rhyme-y.*

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FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE

Rally around gang.  I know why you're here and you know why you're here, so let's get to it. 

The babe this week is Christini Hall.  Cute as a button.  I'm taking up a collection to get her some furniture.  I mean, seeing a hot chick without any furniture is like seeing... well... a hot chick.  Nevermind.

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Today's beer isn't really a review but more like a wish to the little baby Jesus.  This is Trappist Westvleteren 12 and many people argue is the best beer in the world.  It's made by some crazy-assed Belgian monks who only make a limited amount every year, so it's very rare.  This means it sells for $40 - $80 per bottle.  For that amount of cash it better taste like someone playing with my wang. By the way, if anyone would like to send me a bottle, I will do my duty to the public and review it for you.  Cripes.

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The musical interlude I've prepared for you today is "To Peace" by Sumbersed.  I'm not posting with any particular meaning.  I'm not all into peace this week or anything.  It's just a rocking tune that pumps my nads.  May it pump your nads as well Buckos.

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"To Peace"

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YOU SHOULDN'T FART ON CORNED BEEF

My buddy was making a corned beef dinner for us a few days ago in celebration of St. Patrick's Day.  So that's nice, right?  Well, I was watching him prepare it and while he was basting the luscious brisket with some mustard and brown sugar; he stopped, turned, and laid a fart right on it.  And it smelled like his ass was retarded or something.  Just awful.  But I was brave and ate it anyway.  Not brave enough to tell the other people eating it though.  Hey, what they don't know ... Anyway, I don't know if you've ever tasted a fart but I'm gonna let you in on an unexplored avenue of the culinary ghetto - farts taste like they smell.  Pff... yeah... I know.  So, Buckos, time for the moral of this story: DO NOT fart on corned beef, or any other processed meat for that matter.  In fact, I am now officially against farting on livestock in general, living or dead.  It doesn't seal in the flavor.  It doesn't "add spice."  And it doesn't make you look cool.  Carry on you filthy bastards.

FIVE WAYS TO GET THE MOST OUT OF MR. GASPUMP

Gas prices suck.  I'm not that affected because about six months ago I invested in a syphon.  It's amazing how much free gas you can get out of one trip to a full mall parking lot.  Yup, the gasoline flows like wine in the WTCCTR household.  But if you don't have a syphon or a friend in OPEC then here are five tips on how to get the most out of that pump every time you refill.  These tips are from a squirrely employee who works for a petroleum company in California.

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1. Only buy/pump your gas in the early morning when the ground temperature is cold.  Colder gasoline is more dense.  When you buy when it's warmer the gas has expanded - and your gallon is not exactly a gallon.

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2. When you're filling up, do not squeeze the trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode.  Pumping gas slowly minimizes the vapors that are produced.  If you pump at a fast rate some of the gas vaporizes and gets sucked back into the underground storage tank.

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3.  Fill up when your tank is half full/half empty.  The more gas you have in your tank the less air it contains.  Gasoline evaporates quickly, and will evaporate at a quicker rate the more empty your tank is.

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4.  Do not fill your tank when the gasoline truck is refilling the storage tanks.  The refill process stirs up sediment and dirt from the tank that is normally settled on the bottom.  

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And a final suggestion... DO NOT buy gas from companies that import Middle Eastern oil.  These are the countries who have parts of their populations that think Osama binDickHead is a swell guy.  I don't know about you but they can kiss my red-white-and blue sphincter while I eat apple pie and hum "God Bless America."  The following companies DO NOT USE ANY Middle Eastern Oil: Sunoco, Conoco, Sinclair, BP Phillips, Hess, and Arco.  

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Ok Buckos!  Now go out and pump some gas like you got a set!

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MAKE $790 IN TWO EASY STEPS... LEGALLY... er... YEAH

I'm mostly a BOCE when it comes to financial matters.  That old 'give me two $10s for a $5' trick still gives me trouble.  My first girlfriend took me for $4870 and watched me have to hock my 1994-97 porn library just to keep up with the expenses on my rock-and-roll-yoga/drive-thru-proctology business... that never really got off the ground but it's a niche market and I'm a player baby... but... uh... where was I?  OH, ok, so from watching banks breaking down, the Fed freaking out, gas guzzling up to $4.oo/gallon, and little Georgie Bush giving me his "My Pet Goat" look; I stared doing some research online - and a few months ago I bought my first few ounces of gold.  Since then it's gone up a few hundred dollars an ounce.  And guess what?  It's only going to go higher.  So how can you make $790.oo in two easy steps??  

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1.  Buy 1 ounce of gold today.  A krugerrand (1 oz. of gold) is selling for about $1010.oo.

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2.  Sell that krugerrand in about twelve months, when the price is around $1800.oo.  

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If you do a little poking around about the historical prices of gold and where it's headed you'll see that it's a pretty safe bet.  In fact, I sold my 1997-2002 porn library - including my collection of double headed dongs (long story there) - and put all the cash into that sweet, buttery metal.  Here's an article that was in Forbes yesterday if you don't believe me --> here.

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So get to it Buckos!  There's gold in 'dem 'dar... hills... er... local coin shops.

CRAZY DRIVER

Like a lot of people, I enjoy a relaxing afternoon of chain-smoking combined with pots and pots of coffee.  The black-outs are like time travelling and the nose bleeds can be a fun break in the day. Throw in operating a motor vehicle on top of that and you've got a pretty sweet time for yourself.  I, personally, have a nifty backhoe I like driving when I'm all hopped up on stimulants... or, as I like to call it, "gleaming the cube."  But this guy has me beat by a mile.

THE 48 LAWS OF POWER - PART 2

Here's the next installment of Robert Greene's outstanding book "The 48 Laws of Power."  In this part he continues on his theme of how to use manipulation and deception to crush your opponent.  In this politically correct age it's hard to find someone who advocates and promotes complete annihilation of an enemy.  I've used his tools to gain mastery over my chicken (ie. my wang).  I completely choke that fucker to within an inch of his life every chance I get.  Oh, yeah, and I now also completely rule the six pack and all of it's hoppy goodness.  Thanks Robert Greene!  Stay strong Buckos.

ps - you can catch the first video in this series here: Power pt. 1

IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY BITCHES

Greetings and salutations Buckos!  To commerate today's righteous holiday I was going to give a little spiel about good old St. Patrick; and why the hell he's got a big green day of drunken frat guys and wenches in belly shirts dedicated to him.  But then I realized no one probably gives a fat turd- including me.  I mean, really... everyone knows it's about drinking black and tans, watching parades; and trying to figure out where you are when you wake up, and why you only have one sock on with a bunch of green confetti sandwiched between the old ass cheeks.  That happened to a friend of mine.. it was pretty funny.  The results of the blood tests were a little bit of a buzz kill though.  The up-side is that since then he's lost a ton of weight.  He was a little portly to begin with.  Uh.. yeah.. anyway... Happy St. Patrick's Day!

FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE

Howdy ho Buckos!  After a week drenched in sex scandal and Bono killin' kids it's time for another installment of babe, beer, and tune.  So let's get right to it.

Today's babe is Rachael Cordingley.  She's Miss Maxim 2008 Global Winner.  So according to Maxim she's the best looking woman in the world for 2008.  Ok, I'll go along with that.

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Alright.  I don't know why I picked up a sixer of Miller Chill.  But I did learn a lesson: don't huff gasoline before you go grocery shopping.  This beer is supposed to have a "natural hint of lime and salt."  I'm not sure when I got too lazy to add the lime and salt to my beers by hand, but it's happened - and now I'm stuck with five of these little monsters.  It kind of tastes like mediocre beer with a hint of dirt and piss. ... I'm sorry... I can't go on with this review... I can't stand to see malt beverages abused like this...

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In light of all the scandal recently, this week's tune is a tribute to Elliot Spitzer and his cheatin' wang.  It's "Live and Learn" by Nural.  Because, in my book, the only thing he's really guilty of is love. Love godammit. *tear*

http://www.youshare.com/view.php?file=LiveandLearn.mp3

BONO IS A BASTARD

I've never really had much of an opinion on Bono.  I kind of zone out when a guy flies in on a private jet and tells me to help end poverty.  Especially a guy who's a rock star, who should be banging broads and doing exotic drugs... like chewing on nicotine patches and shooting dog laxatives into his nipples or something.  But I saw this story on Bono today and now I see him for the sadistic sonofabitch he really is.

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, 

 is famous throughout the entertainment 

 industry for being more than just a 

 little self-righteous.  At a recent U2 

 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked 

 the audience for total quiet.  Then, 

 in the silence, he started to slowly 

 clap his hands, once every few second.  

 Holding the audience in total silence,

 he said into the microphone, 'Every 

 time I clap my hands, a child in Africa 

 dies.'  From the front of the crowd a 

 voice... pierced the quiet...

  'Well, fucking stop doing it then, ya

evil bastard!'

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When are these richies going to learn that you just can't go around killing kids like that.  Criminey!

SPITZER HOOKER - PART DEUX

Here she is in St. Tropez.  Well la-de-frigging-da.  I mean, five grand?!?  The last thing I paid $5000 for at least came with a stereo... so if she came with a boom box then, yeah, ok.

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The New York Times story on her:

Ashley Alexandra Dupre

GOVERNOR SPITZER'S HOOKER

(click picture for larger view)

"Kristen" will probably doing the Tyra Banks or Ellen Degeneris show next week at this time, but this is the first picture I could find of her.  This is her profile from the web page for the Emperor's Club.  So she looks fairly attractive even with her face and nipplage blurred out.  I don't know if she was worth $5000 and a job running one of the most powerful states in the union, but what do I know... my last job paid barely $20,000.oo and I was working with batshit insane people all day.  And the only perk I got was farting on them.  Sure I creamed up the old tightey-whities once in a while but it was totally worth it to see the effects of righteous bowel gasses mixing with mental illness.

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Governor, if you're reading this, you can keep the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants I sent you (*see Monday's post*).  Even though you were our governor for only a short time I want you to have them.  Wear them with pride.  And if you're ever back in Albany, look me up - we'll get together and I'll fart on you. 

THE FUTURE IS WEIRD

Ok Buckos, strap in.  Today I'm going to give you a glimpse of the future.

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First off: SkyNet.  Machines will rule human beings like we're little pucker assed chickens.  And we'll all run around grubbing for food and slinging turds at each other.

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Next in line will be someone who looks like this guy.  He'll be the one that SkyNet uses to keep all 

the computers lubed and running.  And he's gonna have some crazy James-Bond-villian-ey name the computers give him like Operator #1 or Fisheye... or some crazy shit like that. 

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Then will be the robots who carry out SkyNet's orders and keep us humans in line.  But they're not 

going to look like Arnold Schwarzeneggeerear in "Terminator."  They'll be more like Johnny 5 from "Short Circuit."  Except, they'll still  be able to vaporize our chicken asses.

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At the bottom of the heap will be us humans.  But it will be a case of the strong ruling the weak, which means giant monster-ey people all hopped up on steroids and with massive mental defects like narcissism will be calling the shots.  The videos of these two are a good example.... they'll be like a 'power couple' in the future.

So that's what it's gonna look like Buckos.  I know.  It's ugly.  But I still can't wait to see it in person.  How?  Well, let me just say that I'll be hanging out with all the other cryogenically frozen heads that got defrosted and sewn onto goat bodies or something.  *Hey, Ted Williams!  Can I get an autograph... oh... never mind.* 

THE SPITZER SOLUTION

Wow.  Kind of a rough day for NY Governor Elliot Spitzer.  And I imagine his wife gave him a hard time about this whole high-priced prostitute thing over the entire weekend.  I bet he didn't even get some down-time on Sunday to watch any spring training games.  Then there's the kids.  Can you imagine having to listen to them blattin' their little heads off about being embarrassed at school.  Little jerks.  Just thinking about the whole thing gets my chubby little choad all knotted up with stress and fuss.  So, being the patriotic New Yorker that I am, I took matters into my own hands and sent the Spitzer's a little "care package" to get them through this difficult time.

That's right Buckos - Wonder Sauna Hot Pants are what's needed here.  Before we all go rushing to judgement or making any premature decisions I think everyone needs to just slip into a pair of these little beauties.  I'm wearing a pair right now and, I gotta tell you, I can feel the stress being sucked right out of my sphincterous and penile regioins.  It's like magic for chrissakes.  So to Elliot, his wife Silda (that's kind of a bullshit name), and his three daughters: here's hoping the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants get you over this sexy, raunchy, lacy, c-cupped bump in your lives.  PS - I included some personal notes about how to position the fill nozzle on these mother f*ers to keep from sodomizing yourselves.  Just trust me on this one.

GOOGLE HAS SOME SPLANIN' TO DO

Ok, cast yourself back to January 2006.  Imagine where you were, what you were doing, and who you were doing it with... got it?  For me, the start of a new year means resolutions.  A fresh start.  Time to try new things.  Like anal fisting.  

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(click on pic for larger view)

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This is an actual chart from Google that shows what people are searching for on the internet.  Now, the blue line shows that the search for "ass to mouth" has remained pretty constant over the years.  No surprise there really.  I mean, ass to mouth stuff doesn't change much from year to year.

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The red line shows the searches for "anal fisting."  So in January of 2006 everyone decided to start getting more information about the topic.  I remember there being some big advances in anal fisting in December 2005 too.  I think it had something to do with the introduction of the Rough Rubber Dream artificial rubber fist and huge advances in corn oil technology... and that's no coincidence Buckos.

WEE MODELS = BIG CRAZY

(click picture for larger view)

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I found this picture today and enjoyed it for scoring high in both creep and crazy.  I mean, where do you start?  It has helter-skelter written all over it - from the orange face right down to the part about playing games with the "wee" models.  That's awesome.  And you know that the guy who put the notice up is actually the guy who's doing it.  When I see things like this I like to pause and take a deep breath.  Insanity is so common that most of us don't even notice it; but there are times when you hit a particularly heavy patch that you can really get a wiff of it.  For me, it's a mix of mothballs and shit... then again, it could just be me farting on myself... but you get the idea.

FRIDAY'S BABE, BEER, AND A TUNE.

Well, Buckos, we made it through another week.  One step closer to spring.  I'm looking forward to living like a human being again instead of like some mole-man.  The sun hit my face two days ago and I had to scurry into a corner; and shield my eyes with the tattered rags I use for clothes while I'm burrowed under a dung heap for the the 9 months of winter here.

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First up, the babe.  It's an artsy fartsy photo of Eva Mendez in a Campri ad.  Now, I really have no idea what Campri is, but I'll buy anything she's gonna slather all over her legs... which it looks like she's gonna do in this pic.  Plus, it's about a million times more arousing to see how she, the dog, and the fireplace are so awesome and hot that the rest of the house got totally wiped out - and they're the last things standing!  I know how it is though: having sex appeal stronger than a hurricane is both a blessing and a curse. 

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Next up, the beer.  That would be the delicious-ey malt beverage I'm sampling right now: Sam Adams Boston Lager.  Nothing fancy here Buckos... just a nice hoppy brew that'll get me to a nice warm place after about 4 more.  It's a place I like to call "shit-tard-ville".

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This week's joint is a relaxing little ditty which I think compliments the beautiful ladies above.  It's called "Coming Home" by Alter Bridge.  Cheers Buckos!

http://www.youshare.com/view.php?file=05ComingHome.mp3

THE 48 LAWS OF POWER - PART 1

There was this kid in high school who used to try and burn the tip of my nose with his cigarette lighter every day at the lunch table.  He was one of those dudes who had a full beard by the time he was in 10th grade; and would make out in the hallway with the cute girl who I had a crush on since kindergarden.  Yeah, it was a magical time.  

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Soon after high school I took up boxing.  And after a few years of getting my ass kicked over and over by a Puerto Rican who worked at a bakery down the street, I decided to try destroying others in a more gentlemanly way - through graft and deceit.  And that's what led me to "The 48 Laws of Power" by Robert Greene.  It's a fancy little read about how to grind people into dust both morally and emotionally.  So far it's worked like a shiney friggin' charm.  I summarized the major points of the book in a slide show.  Here's the first part.  

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By the way, the kid who used to try and smoke my nose in high school... I saw him a few years ago.  He's bald and works at Radio Shack.  It was like a hug from the little baby Jesus.

TAXES HURT MY SPHINCTER.

So some fantastic news today from my local IRS office in Holtsville, NY.  My tax accountant messed up on my returns from a few years ago and I now owe an extra $1500.  So that's relaxing.  Really is.  Just like the time my cat tried to crawl up my leg and ended up hooking one of his claws in my left nut.  Except, with that, I had money left over to buy groceries.

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Funny little thing about taxes though.  You know that 'old wives tale' that says, "there's no law that requires you to pay taxes."  Well, there's something to it.  Just beware: challenging the IRS is like having a million cat's claws hook into your junk.  I'm just saying.  

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A warning about this video: wear old clothes when you watch it... it made me piss and shit myself, and ruin a perfectly spiffy pair of corduroy pants.  True story.

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   AMERICA: FREEDOM TO FASCISM (part 1 of 12)

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ps - the rest of the series is posted on YouTube.

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENTS... BY RICKY BOBBY.

And that's "one to grow on" Buckos.

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PEOPLE I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH.

So it's Monday night and I'm just doing my usual browsing of gang photos.  I get a perverted sense of amusement thinking how uncomfortable I'd be if I were dropped right in the middle of these pictures.  I'd be forced to fall back on my wit and charm.  And while I'm the wittiest, charm-iest fellow you're ever gonna meet I have a bad feeling it would mostly be lost on these dudes - especially the maniac pointing the gun at the camera (wrapped in the purple bandana).  So that's why I carry a few tubes of glitter with me where ever I go.  The way I figure it, tossing all that sparkley goodness into the air will simulate some kind of "bling" storm that will create a shock-and-awe effect on the bandits.  And that, Buckos, will give me all the time I need to high step it right the f*ck out of there.  I'd probably cream the old drawers but it wouldn't be the first time and probably won't be the last, if you know what I mean.

CHRIST, I MISS THE 80s.

You know, I see pictures like this and I miss the 1980s.  And this picture pretty much sums it up.  I mean, these guys got up and got dressed for this picture, and were trying to look as bad-ass as possible.  It's ironic that almost 30 years later they look the absolute opposite.  The fake leather, the mullets, the skinny tie, the boce-ified looks.  Yeah, it's magic.  It's friggin' magic.

LET'S CUT SOME CHEESE.

A lot of people watched the Superbowl this year.  And, of course, a lot of expensive commercials got watched also.  I'd rate them on a scale from "ok" to "absolute crapola."  One of the "banned" commercials is this one below from Bud Light.  Now, with all the nipples and murder and abuses we see on tv every day, why is an ad about ripping farts considered offensive?  Anyone?  Bueller?